


Through Shadowed Eyes

by Paravellex



Category: Homestuck
Genre: "Canon" Compliant, Alternative Perspective, Angst with a Happy Ending, Candy Timeline, Divorce, F/F, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Musing, Grief, Marriage Troubles, Most of the Epilogues' Warnings, Multi, Non-graphic suicide, Other, Pregnancy, Sadstuck, The Homestuck Epilogues, Vomit, internalized heteronormativity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2020-07-19 10:43:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 63,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19972756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paravellex/pseuds/Paravellex
Summary: "John can’t tell what Roxy is thinking. She’s so warm and open and inviting, but when John looks into her eyes... it’s almost like staring into a voi—"Who is the person behind those eyes? And does she even know herself?This story explores Roxy's character, provides more context for her actions, and shows the wonders and horrors of the Candy Timeline from her perspective.





	1. Prologue, Part One

CALLIOPE: while trUth seems fairly straightforward, i mUst confess i’m still a bit confUsed on the difference between relevance and essentiality. coUld yoU go over it one more time, please?  
ROSE: Of course.  
ROSE: It helps to return to the conception of the cosmos we inhabit as a story, or as an amalgamation of stories. Which, by the way, relates to the idea I discussed earlier of reality as a conscious framework.  
ROSE: The relevance of an event is how important it is to the functionality of the story itself. How much it affects, and is affected by, other central events in the story.   
ROSE: Essentiality is more difficult to internally measure. You might think of it as how important an event is from an external perspective.  
ROSE: As if some observer, reading the story, _needed_ to read about some specific event or sequence of events.  
ROSE: Perhaps to continue thinking the narrative holds together under scrutiny; perhaps to come to terms with some aspect of themself or the world they inhabit; perhaps to achieve some personal emotional catharsis.  
ROSE: Phrased simply, relevance is internal significance, whereas essentiality is external significance.  
CALLIOPE: oh, that makes perfect sense!  
ROXY: uuuugh my head hurts

The sun hangs low in the sky. The shadow cast by the bell tower now reaches about halfway from the window to the wall. Roxy’s eye has wandered over to it whenever the discussion gets too confusing.

Normally around this time of day, Roxy and her beautiful green-skulled companion would be strolling around a park, or grabbing dinner at a cafe, or just dorking around playing video games. But instead, Rose has been lying on their couch monologuing about “canon” for the past hour and a half.

Roxy has always been mystified and somewhat amused by the prospect of everyone’s lives having “narrative importance,” especially in such a rigorously analyzable sense; they’re just people, for crying out loud! Calliope, on the other hand, is eating this stuff right up like it’s a freshly slaughtered meatbeast.

ROSE: And as I gather you’ve already surmised, the truth of an event relates to whether it factually occurs in the story proper.  
ROSE: In most well-crafted stories without branching paths, each event is unassailably true.  
ROSE: However, in most cases when alternate timelines are introduced, some are considered to have greater validity than others. And if a plot hole arises, the events surrounding it are thrown into uncertainty, and perhaps may only be regarded as true in a broad-strokes sense.  
CALLIOPE: mm hmm!  
ROSE: The conceptual framework we inhabit is absolutely lousy with branching timelines, and much of John’s retcon adventure might leave an observer scratching their head as to how some events happened. That’s why truth is a useful metric for analyzing our story.  
ROSE: Those aren’t the only factors which may diminish truth values, of course. For example, if a story has multiple authors who have fundamentally different interpretations of it, their respective contributions might throw the “real” interpretation into question. Or a story arc might be so goddamned stupid that everyone just pretends it never happened.  
CALLIOPE: i see!

The tower’s shadow continues its agonizingly slow forward march. This isn’t how Roxy expected her first meeting with Rose in months to go, and she’s getting impatient and kind of hungry.

ROSE: Returning to my broader point: Essentiality, as the most subjective of the three pillars, is consequently the most prone to varied and niche interpretations.  
ROSE: Derivative works - “fanon,” if you will - are frequently motivated by a perceived gap in essentiality, which a reader might take it upon themself to fill.  
ROSE: Such a work might have negligible essentiality to the original story’s audience at large, who might not even be aware of the derivative work’s existence. But it might have great essentiality for a small subset of that audience. In rare cases, the essentiality might be on par with that of the original story, or, even more rarely, actually surpass it.  
CALLIOPE: interesting!  
ROSE: The truth value of fanon is ambiguous at best, however, even when retroactively endowed with authorial validation. This can serve to weaken the authenticity of any relevant and essential events contained therein, though not always, and never from all perspectives. For example--  
ROXY: omg  
ROXY: rose ilu and this is erm cool and all but can u plz just get 2 the point?  
ROXY: cause callie and i had a nice picnic date set up tonight and my tummys gettin rumbly yo

Calliope shoots Roxy a disappointed glance. Roxy shrugs apologetically.

ROSE: Certainly.  
ROSE: I’m sorry for prattling on about the finer details of canonical classification. I’ve just been thinking about this model of reality a lot lately, as a side effect of my growing awareness of my Ultimate Self.  
ROSE: Remind me, did I already explain that concept?  
ROXY: abt 45 mins ago ya  
ROSE: Ah. Well, anyway.  
ROSE: My central thesis, as it relates to our immediate situation, is that canonical gaps precipitated by the absence of specific essential events can, if left unattended, cause the strands of consciousness to unravel and the cosmos within to be “forgotten,” as it were.  
ROSE: In our case, the most essential event missing is easy to pinpoint.  
ROSE: John has yet to defeat Lord English.

The room goes quiet at the mention of Calliope’s brother, whom they haven’t talked about in years. Calliope shifts uncomfortably in her chair and looks down at the floor. About ten seconds pass before she finally speaks.

CALLIOPE: when he does... will oUr reality finally be safe? is this the only remaining gap in canon left to fill?  
ROSE: We will largely be protected from dissipation, but English’s defeat isn’t the only canonical gap. It’s simply the most significant one.  
ROSE: There are other, smaller gaps which can be safely ignored without risking dissipation.  
ROSE: Events firmly grounded in truth, with nonzero or even significant relevance values, but nearly divorced from essentiality.  
ROSE: Who flipped the frog switch? The world may never know.  
ROXY: frog switch  
ROXY: wut  
ROXY: wait nvm doesnt matter just get back to the point  
ROSE: Exactly! I’m glad to see you understand.  
ROXY: um  
ROSE: Once John decides whether or not to fight English, it will set in motion a chain of events which will authenticate canon and prevent dissipation.  
ROSE: To further cement the essentiality of his decision, I believe it should be presented on the most canonically significant date: April 13th.  
ROSE: That gives us about six weeks to prepare.  
CALLIOPE: rose, if i may...  
CALLIOPE: what do yoU mean when yoU say john will decide “whether or not” to fight my brother?  
CALLIOPE: is there a possibility that he might not?  
CALLIOPE: and if so, will that trigger dissipation?  
ROSE: Yes and no, respectively. Even if he decides to stay, canon will be safe as long as he is given the choice, no matter the outcome of that choice.  
ROSE: I know that this may seem to contradict what I said earlier about English’s defeat needing to happen. But I can’t tell you why it’s the offering of the choice which matters, or the outcome might be jeopardized.  
ROSE: You’ll just have to trust me.

Roxy scratches her head. She only half-cared about all this canon gibberish while Rose was lecturing without a clear purpose, but now that it’s sounding like John might risk his life for it, she’s trying to wrap her mind around it as fast as she can.

ROXY: wait so like is this a setup for a timeline split kinda deal  
ROXY: and if so it sounds like john staying will make a doomed timeline that’s gonna kill us all??  
ROSE: You don’t need to worry about that.  
ROSE: Doomed timelines are a construct of Sburb and only apply to those limited by canonical relevance.  
ROSE: We’re in post-canon now, so we don’t need to worry about such things.  
ROXY: well in THAT case  
ROXY: i still dont get what “dissipation” is or why its so important that callies bro dies  
ROXY: i mean besides the fact that hes the actual worst  
ROXY: but tbh if none of us are in physical danger and john not going won’t hurt anybody then  
ROXY: why the hell should he risk his life for some abstract concept?  
ROXY: ik you just spent the evening talking abt it but imo canon kinda just sounds like a particularly meta flavor of bullshit  
ROXY: no offense  
CALLIOPE: roxy, please be polite! rose is a gUest!  
ROSE: No, it’s okay.  
ROSE: I thought you might feel that way, Roxy. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I’m talking to you about all of this.

Rose sits up, leans forward, clasps her hands, and looks Roxy dead in the eyes.

ROSE: Before I answer your question, let me posit one of my own.  
ROSE: What are your feelings toward John?

Roxy blinks in surprise. Did this conversation about supposed meta-existential threats just take a swerve into relationship drama?

ROXY: why xactly do u ask?  
ROSE: Please, just think it over for a while.

Roxy’s a bit miffed at not being given an answer, but she leans back and does as Rose asks.

Normally, Roxy doesn’t mind ambiguous relationships. She doesn’t know or care how her relationship with the gorgeous green alien sitting across the coffee table from her should be labeled. For some reason, however, something about John has always frustrated her in this regard.

She thought they built a real connection in the Sburb session. They were the only survivors of the original timeline, the only ones who knew what it meant to see all their friends die horribly. They had cried together, laughed together, and shared any number of important moments. He put himself on the line to save everyone. He stubbornly refused to give up on her or let her fade into nonexistence. He helped her bring Callie back from the dead.

After they built the new world, though, he just... drifted away. They hung out a few times at first, but she’d usually be the one to initiate it. He’d seem so funny and heartfelt whenever they got together, and then they’d part ways for the evening and he’d go right back to being awkward and unreachable.

She thinks of him more than she ought to, and her heart still does a little flutter whenever John texts her. But sometimes he’ll forget to text for weeks at a time. Sometimes even in the middle of a conversation.

Roxy always thought that if John liked her in that way, he would tell her eventually. She eventually concluded that their shared experiences simply didn’t mean as much to him as they did to her. He was just drifting on the breeze.

To complicate things further, John is on record as being heterosexual, and Roxy... She's never felt particularly feminine, at least not when compared with Jane and Rose, but lately she's begun to suspect that she might not even be a woman at all? It's an idea that so far has only emerged through occasional dysphoric thoughts and fragments of conversation. If it’s true, though, she might be someone whom John _can't_ be attracted to, so there would be no point trying to start something.

She’s put John behind her now, though. She’s happy being with Callie. She doesn’t need to worry about what John thinks of her or about what she thinks of him.

At least, that’s what she believed. Rose’s question implies that she and John might not be quite done just yet.

ROSE: You don’t have to answer now. Just keep the question in mind.  
ROSE: Whatever your feelings are, however, I can guess that you’re frustrated that he’s drawn away from you recently.  
ROSE: How he’s seemed uncharacteristically distant and reserved for the past several years.  
ROXY: yeah p much  
ROSE: Most of our friends feel the same way.  
ROSE: Much of John’s withdrawal is because he’s still tied to canonicity while the rest of us aren’t. He’s always felt like he doesn’t belong, and on some level, he’s right.  
ROSE: If he chooses to stay, John will be permanently freed from canonicity. His retcon powers will quickly fade, but he’ll be able to live a full life on Earth C with the rest of us.

Rose takes a deep breath and sits up straight.

ROSE: There are two reasons I came here today. Beyond wanting to see you, I mean.  
ROSE: The first is to ask the two of you to offer John his choice.  
ROSE: It has to be you.  
CALLIOPE: why Us?  
ROSE: Because Roxy is the perfect messenger to present John with an unbiased choice.  
ROSE: She’s untroubled by worries about canonicity or lack thereof.  
ROSE: She’s the best at hiding her feelings of any of us, and John has a unique connection with her.  
ROSE: And you, Calliope, should be present to help contextualize Roxy’s current life for John. To remind him of the social dynamics which he’ll either be reentering into, or fighting to save.  
ROSE: Right now, it’s ambiguous how John feels the same way about canon as you do, Roxy. But making this choice will make it clear to everyone. Including him.  
ROSE: If he chooses to go, it will be because he’ll have fully embraced his role as the guardian of what is true, relevant, and essential.  
ROSE: If he chooses to stay, it will be because of his love for his friends.  
ROSE: Specifically, his love for you.

Roxy’s eyes slowly widen. Across the table, Calliope starts looking down awkwardly again and fists her hands in the fabric of the chair.

ROXY: you think  
ROXY: john loves me?  
ROSE: I know it for sure.  
ROSE: He’s just pretty awful at expressing these things directly. Even without the disconnect due to divergent strengths of canonical ties.  
ROSE: It just depends on whether he decides that his feelings are more important than his cosmic duty.  
ROSE: If he chooses you, and if you feel the same way about him...  
ROSE: Well. Barring any unforeseen chaos, I know the two of you will be very happy together.  
ROSE: I think you’ll find you'll even be the second pair to get married!

Roxy's head is spinning. Jegus _christmas_ , this detour into romance-land escalated quickly. Not even five minutes ago, Roxy thought she was capital-O Over this boy, and now they’re supposed to get married?

She’s kind of stunned that Rose would lay all this on her at once. At the same time, though... it doesn’t sound entirely unappealing? If John really does love her, and if he’s still anything like the boy she had all those adventures with, then... Ergh, there’s a lot to sort through here. She’s going to need time.

Roxy quickly glances over at Calliope, who looks distinctly uncomfortable. Did Rose not even consider Callie’s feelings when she dropped this heterosexual prediction-bomb on them? For a lesbian, Rose must have a pretty busted gaydar.

While Roxy’s trying to think of a way to defuse the situation without anyone’s feelings getting hurt, Calliope clears her throat.

CALLIOPE: excUse me, rose.  
CALLIOPE: i believe yoU mentioned there were two reasons yoU came here today.  
CALLIOPE: may i ask what the second one is?  
ROXY: yeah uh  
ROXY: enough failing the bechdel test for one evening lets talk shop  
CALLIOPE: bechdel test?  
ROXY: ya its a thing dave talks abt a lot to determine whether  
ROXY: FUCK i just did it again  
ROXY: anyway rose plz continue  
ROSE: Ah. Yes, certainly.  
ROSE: Beyond facilitating John’s choice, there’s one more thing I need you to do, Roxy.

Rose leans forward again and folds her fingers in a tent.

ROSE: I need you to wipe my mind.  
ROXY: what???  
CALLIOPE: what???  
ROSE: I need you to use your void powers to make me forget that I asked you to give John a choice, and to make me forget everything I’ve learned about what will happen if he chooses to stay.  
ROSE: It’s imperative that I proceed with no anticipation of what might happen in that potential timeline.

Roxy’s more confused than ever. She’s never manipulated people’s memories before, why would Rose think that she could do it now? And more importantly...

ROXY: why would you want that???  
ROSE: There are, shall we say... _forces_ , in play, which intend active harm to our current cosmological state of affairs. Forces beyond passive dissipation.  
ROSE: Part of this threat is meta-canonical. Part of it is... rather more literal.  
ROSE: I have a strategy to ensure that this threat is defeated. But from our current vantage point, it is essential that you wipe my mind.  
ROSE: That’s all I can say without risking my strategy’s success.  
ROSE: There’s no need to worry about ethical concerns. The erasure will be perfectly safe and I’ve given my full informed consent.  
ROXY: aight but uh  
ROXY: lets say for a sec that i think this is a remotely good or sane idea  
ROXY: y do you think i can even do it???  
ROSE: There’s a few reasons.  
ROSE: The first is that it might arise as a natural consequence of your heroic role.  
ROSE: As a Rogue of Void, you steal nothingness for the benefit of others. This has historically manifested itself in the ability to steal the nothingness attribute from objects, i.e. to create them, in order to help other people.  
ROSE: The other interpretation of your role, however, is to steal for the benefit of others by _using_ nothingness.  
ROSE: Stealing memories by replacing them with nothingness, with the consent of the one being stolen from, would fall under this purview.  
ROXY: hm  
ROXY: sounds kinda jank but ok  
ROSE: The second reason is that I believe this ability might also fall under the scope of your opposite role.  
ROSE: I’ve encountered a few texts relating to “inversion theory,” and--  
CALLIOPE: oh for HEAVEN’S SAKE!!!

Calliope scowls with disgust and bangs the coffee table with her tiny fist, causing the trio’s drinks to splash around. Roxy’s eyebrows nearly jump off her face. She’s never known Callie to get so worked up about anything so quickly.

CALLIOPE: inversion is a THOROUGHLY discredited theory based on a few snippets of anecdotal evidence at BEST! it’s contradicted by almost all verifiable accoUnts!  
CALLIOPE: any stories of sbUrb players developing powers like those of their opposite roles are coincidences!  
CALLIOPE: it’s a Useless framework that has set analysis of heroic roles back years! it has no place whatsoever in serioUs discUssions!

Callie pants in frustration for three more seconds, then quickly remembers herself. Her eyes go wide and she places a hand over her mouth.

CALLIOPE: i’m sorry, rose...  
CALLIOPE: i shoUldn’t have gotten so angry with yoU.  
CALLIOPE: it’s jUst that i have spent a considerable portion of my life developing theories on the pUrpose of mythological roles, and this particUlar theory has been a thorn in my side for...  
ROSE: No worries. Your reaction isn’t uncommon.  
ROSE: However, while I respect your opinion, I think inversion theory contains at least some element of validity. I’d like to present you and Roxy with my sub-argument based upon it, if I may.  
CALLIOPE: ...fine.

Rose turns back to Roxy, whose understanding of what the hell is going on has continued to steadily deteriorate.

ROSE: If inversion theory is correct - and I acknowledge that that’s a big “if” - a player can, under specific circumstances, act as if both their class and aspect were the opposite of their actual class and aspect.  
ROSE: Consequently, they may develop powers relating to that opposite role.  
ROXY: wait a minute  
ROXY: iirc light and void are opposites  
ROXY: and i think a rogue passively steals shit but a thief actively steals shit  
ROXY: rose  
ROXY: is this just an elaborate scheme to say  
ROXY: im vriska  
ROXY: rose is that it am i 8ecomin vriska lmaoooooooo  
ROSE: No! Though that certainly is an image, ha ha.  
ROSE: The operative verb that a class is focused around is inverted as well. “Create” and “destroy” are inverses, “understand” and “change” are inverses, and “steal” and “exploit” are inverses.  
ROSE: So you wouldn’t act like one who actively steals Light, you’d act like one who actively exploits it.  
ROSE: That’s why your inverse role is a Knight of Light.  
CALLIOPE: knights aren’t... oh, never mind.  
ROXY: callies class doesnt have an opposite word tho  
ROXY: whats her inverse role?  
ROSE: Well, um.  
ROSE: Dead sessions are incredibly scarce. Dead sessions where a player lives long enough to ascend, even more so. With so little data, it’s impossible to tell how inversion applies to the two master classes.  
ROSE: It’s one of the holes in the theory.  
CALLIOPE: one of many!!  
ROSE: Anyway, if Light is interpreted as “knowledge” in this context, the purpose of a Knight of Light could be to exploit knowledge as a weapon.  
ROSE: Manipulating memories to achieve a specified end could, under some interpretations, fall under this purview.  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: that sounds even MORE jank tbh  
ROSE: It does, I’ll admit. But there’s a third and final reason I think you can do this, and it’s the most convincing of all.  
ROXY: wats that

Rose displays the half-smile characteristic of the only person in the room who understands what’s going on. It’s an expression she is accustomed to wearing.

ROSE: It’s narratively required.  
ROSE: While we’ve predominantly left canonicity behind us, we still have enough ties to it that our lives follow some semblance of a coherent arc.  
ROSE: This arc requires a near future in which I’m unaware of what John's choice may lead to.  
ROSE: And whatever the narrative needs to happen, happens. By any means necessary.

Roxy frowns. She likes this explanation even less, but it sounds like the exact type of bullshit which Rose has been frustratingly right about in the past.

Rose leans back and folds her hands in her lap.

ROSE: So what will you do?  
ROSE: Will you present John with his choice, and will you help me forget the consequences of that choice?  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: do i rly have a choice?  
ROSE: Of course you do. I’ll soon come to believe otherwise out of necessity, but all of us have free will.  
ROSE: Paradox Space is defined and shaped by all of our wills.  
ROSE: You have a choice, but that doesn’t mean I don’t already know what it will be.  
ROSE: What I need it to be.

Roxy gives the matter a little more thought, but she already knows that Rose is right.

If John chooses to stay, maybe they can finally be free of whatever canon is supposed to be and just live their lives. If not... she’ll just have to live with that. He deserves to make his own decision, and it sounds like this is the best way to give him that chance.

She still needs to work out what she wants to happen between her and John, but that’s a problem for later. 

As for the mind wipe... Rose has always come through in the past, and she says she has a plan. Roxy trusts her.

The hour is late. The shadow of the bell tower now fills the whole room. Even someone pressed against the window would be unable to see the sun.

Roxy looks questioningly toward Calliope, who gives a slow, deliberate nod. Upon seeing this, she turns back toward Rose.

ROXY: just tell me wat to do  



	2. Prologue, Part Two

Who _is_ Roxy Lalonde, really?

That’s the question she’s been asking herself on repeat for the past few weeks.

Roxy’s finished practicing her new powers with Rose for the day, so she’s gone out to the forest near her apartment to think. She’s found a small clearing at the base of a hill, next to the lake, with a large rock which she’s using as a chair.

It’s peaceful here. The only sounds are the chirping of cicadas, the gentle lapping of waves on the shore, and the occasional distant laughter from some teens at a campfire.

New Prospit isn’t a terribly bustling city, but sometimes even what activity there is proves too overwhelming. Sometimes Roxy needs a quiet spot like this where there’s nobody else around. Just her and her own thoughts.

It reminds her of home.

Roxy’s leaning back and staring out toward the opposite shore, legs dangling and lazily kicking the air, hands pressed gently into the rock at her sides. She’s been lost in thought for at least half an hour.

Who _is_ she? And what does she want?

To start off with... should she even be calling herself a “she”? What does it mean to “be a woman,” anyway? And how comfortable is she with the idea?

Her body, from an external perspective, looks undeniably feminine. But she has extremely mixed feelings about that, and they change every time she looks in the mirror. Some days she hates the shape of her hips, the shape of her face, and the damn lumps of fat on her chest. Other days she’s sure those same things must make her look hella sexy.

If there are times when she appreciates her body, are the feelings on the flipside... Disingenuous? Undeserved? Appropriating? She can’t quite put the right word to the concept, but she feels bad about feeling bad.

...Should she even be concerned about that? If gender is supposed to be something personal, it shouldn’t matter if other people feel more or less uncomfortable than her, right? Even so, she can’t shake the sense that it _does_ , in a way. Why is that? Why can’t she just accept her issues as her own?

Roxy catches herself feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad, and lets out a soft chuckle with a hint of bitterness.

Not for the first time, she wonders what was going on in the head of her pre-Scratch self, the adult one who raised Rose. Did she consider herself a woman? Did she have thoughts like these, and if so, how did she deal with them? If Rose picked up on anything, she never mentioned it.

Roxy sighs quietly. Is she just being silly? Maybe everybody goes through something like this and she’s just blowing things out of proportion. Is all this _really_ important enough to make her think about changing her goddamn identity?

No, no, that’s not it. She can’t dismiss her feelings like that. If she doesn’t deal with herself honestly, she’ll never be able to find closure.

How _is_ she supposed to find closure, though?

Well... maybe that’s one reason why she’s counting the days until the thirteenth.

Rose seemed pretty damn sure that Roxy and John would hit it off, and that Roxy would be happy in marriage, and she’s got weird Light-y future vision so there’s no reason to doubt her. If that pans out, maybe it means Roxy’s got nothing to worry about, gender-wise? If she can find genuine happiness as a wife and, probably, mother, both of which are very woman-ish things to be, then should she even worry about how happy or not she might be if people think of her as a not-woman?

Roxy’s been thinking about John a lot ever since Rose’s first visit. Now that she knows he has feelings for her too, the thought of being with him puts butterflies in her stomach. Like in the early days when she was clueless and infatuated, before she became disillusioned and disappointed when time passed and he never committed.

At the same time... she’s got Calliope to consider. What she has with her is good. Ambiguous, but good.

Callie might not give Roxy the same rush of excitement that comes with thinking about John, but it’s not like she’s the “stable, safe, boring” choice so common in cliché rom-com love triangles. She’s fun! She’s Roxy’s oldest and dearest friend, they’ve lived together for ages, and they’ve had plenty of little adventures together.

While neither of them has ever addressed the other as “girlfriend,” or felt the need to clarify their relationship, they’re definitely more than just roommates. More than just friends.

Callie’s love, romantic or not, is never in doubt. She loves Roxy for who she is. She always will, no matter what decisions or discoveries Roxy ends up making about herself.

Plus, Callie’s absolutely beautiful, and Roxy thinks she’s finally getting her to realize that.

Does she really want to throw her relationship with her away for a boy she hasn’t been close to in years?

But still... John’s one helluva boy. Funny, sweet, charming, adventurous. Dorky, inspiring, adorable.

As she’s mulling over the paths laid out in front of her, Roxy sighs and softly whispers his name.

ROXY: john...

A quiet rustling sound comes from the forest behind her, and she turns around with a start.

ROXY: hello?

Calliope steps out from the foliage, and Roxy gives her a surprised grin.

ROXY: hey there callie! wassup  
CALLIOPE: hello, roxy.  
CALLIOPE: i’m glad i foUnd yoU.

Roxy’s grin wavers a bit. Callie sounds troubled.

ROXY: somethin wrong gorgeous?  
CALLIOPE: no!  
CALLIOPE: nothing like that. i jUst need to talk to yoU aboUt something.

Roxy scoots over, smiles warmly, and pats the spot next to her on the boulder. Callie awkwardly hoists herself up and plops down with a small grunt.

When half a minute passes without any words being exchanged, Roxy gently pats her companion on the back.

ROXY: take ur time

Another few seconds pass before Calliope quietly turns toward Roxy and clasps her hands.

CALLIOPE: it’s aboUt the choice in a few weeks which we’ve been preparing for.  
CALLIOPE: i thoUght it best to clarify that if john chooses to stay, and if yoU want to start a relationship with him, i will fUlly approve. i’ll be very happy for the two of yoU.

Roxy frowns, less than convinced. Callie’s words sound rehearsed. Practiced. Stiff, even.

ROXY: you sure?  
CALLIOPE: yes, absolUtely.  
CALLIOPE: i know yoU have feelings for john, and i know that the two of yoU can make each other happy.  
CALLIOPE: john is a great person. a great, great person. i hope yoU get the chance to be with him.  
ROXY: callie...

This is awfully unexpected, and Roxy has a lot of questions. Why is Callie saying all this unprompted? Is she being honest, with Roxy or with herself? How long has she been stewing on this?

Roxy thinks about how best to proceed, and eventually decides to start off with a question that’s pertinent but relatively unobtrusive.

ROXY: why tell me all this now?  
CALLIOPE: hmm?  
ROXY: not that i dont appreciate ur company  
ROXY: but whyd u track me down in the middle of a forest 2 say this when you couldve said it at home later anyway?

Callie purses the lips she doesn't have. She makes a few small hand gestures which don’t seem to signify anything in particular.

CALLIOPE: the mood is more appropriate here, i sUppose?  
CALLIOPE: it feels like a nice place to have a serioUs discUssion between two close friends.

Well, that checks out, but Roxy’s not totally on board with the last part. Looks like they’ll be clarifying their relationship after all.

...Might as well go for the plunge.

ROXY: close friends?  
ROXY: callie... are u sure thats all you want us to be?

There’s a slight, almost imperceptible, widening of Callie’s eyes, which passes quickly.

CALLIOPE: roxy...  
CALLIOPE: yoU are very dear to me.  
CALLIOPE: bUt i only want what’s best for yoU, and i know yoU’ll find more happiness with john.  
ROXY: callie im not gonna give u up just like that!!  
ROXY: weve been together for years! i mean...  
ROXY: im happy with u now and i like what we got!  
ROXY: dont sell urself short b  
CALLIOPE: ...  
CALLIOPE: do yoU remember oUr last discUssion before i died, jUst over seven years ago?  
ROXY: i remember a few deets  
ROXY: by which i mean i reread it over and over while you were dead looking in vain for clues to save u  
ROXY: until i had the entire thing memorized and still do  
CALLIOPE: ...oh.  
CALLIOPE: then yoU remember how i mentioned that while flushed relationships fascinate me, i am not capable of them myself.  
CALLIOPE: there are... times, when i wish i...  
CALLIOPE: ...  
CALLIOPE: bUt all i can ever feel for a romantic partner is pitch.  
CALLIOPE: i can’t give yoU what yoU need.  
CALLIOPE: i’m no rival to john for yoUr hand. yoU shoUldn’t worry aboUt me.  
CALLIOPE: and that’s simply all there is to say on the matter.  
ROXY: ya i remember  
ROXY: i thought it smelt of bs then and i think it smells of bs now  
ROXY: humans can wax black 4 other ppl, yknow  
ROXY: well kinda  
ROXY: usually it blows up cause its not what most humans are used to and they rly misunderstand the idea  
ROXY: but not always! sometimes it works well  
ROXY: and if humans can spade then thats gotta mean cherubs can heart, rite?

Calliope doesn’t seem to have a response to this. She holds Roxy’s gaze for a moment longer, then gently turns to face the lake.

She breathes slowly, steadily, and evenly as she watches the shallow waves breaking upon the rocks.

A minute passes.

A long peal of raucous laughter echoes from the distant campfire, causing a slight grimace to flash across Roxy’s face. The timing’s not great, kids, she thinks at them as hard as she can.

To her surprise, though, Callie starts giggling too. She turns toward Roxy and smiles, and when she speaks, her tone is warmer.

CALLIOPE: roxy, love, don’t worry aboUt it.  
CALLIOPE: it’s not like we can’t keep being best friends!  
CALLIOPE: we’ll still be as close as ever. yoU’ll jUst have someone else to share yoUr life with.  
CALLIOPE: i think that soUnds like a wonderfUl sitUation for everyone!

With these lines, Roxy starts to feel reassured. Callie genuinely seems to believe what she’s saying. And Roxy might just believe it too.

ROXY: r u totally sure about this?  
CALLIOPE: completely!  
CALLIOPE: as sUre as i am of anything.

Hearing that is a weight off of Roxy’s shoulders.

She’s free! Free from having to make a choice. Free from having to hurt the feelings of someone she’s close to.

She grins widely and gives Callie a big friendly hug.

ROXY: thank u so much  
ROXY: ur the best callie!  
CALLIOPE: yoU’re very welcome!

Calliope returns the hug, and they stay like that for a little while before disentangling themselves.

CALLIOPE: i shoUld leave yoU to yoUr meditations.  
CALLIOPE: i’ll go home and make Us some sUpper. do yoU feel like steak tonight?  
ROXY: fuck yea

The two exchange one more quick hug before Calliope hops off the boulder and heads back into the forest. As she leaves, she flashes a smile over her shoulder to Roxy, who responds with a little wave.

Roxy thinks for a minute that Calliope’s footsteps seem hurried, but decides she’s just imagining it. She trusts her friend.

She scoots back toward the lake and returns to thinking about John.

She thinks about how smart and funny he is, how carefree and kind. She thinks about the adorable little way his right eye squints when he smiles and the way his front teeth stick out just a touch.

She thinks about how, if they get together, he’ll finally give her an answer for who she is. No more need to worry about gender or identity or anything. She’ll just be a woman in love. She’ll finally have her own happy ending.

And she thinks about how, in three weeks’ time, she’ll know whether or not he cares enough about her to stay.

...Oh, _god,_ she hopes he stays.


	3. Prologue, Part Three

It’s the big day. The day which will determine the rest of Roxy’s life. April 13, 5007 AC.

Per Rose’s instructions, Roxy texted John at exactly 12:56:41 PM, asking him to meet her and Calliope for a picnic at Questant Memorial Park in downtown New Prospit. As expected, he flew in at 1:26:03 PM. Roxy couldn’t help but count the seconds.

After a surprisingly relaxed hello, Callie got out a checkered picnic blanket and the three friends sat down to talk. That’s where Roxy is now: sitting cross-legged on the blanket, trying to enjoy the beautiful spring day, watching the carapacians go by in their fancy hats.

John’s talking about his earlier meeting with Rose, and Roxy’s half listening to him, half eyeing him up. He looks damn good. He’s immaculately shaved, his Breath hoodie looks perfect on him, and... when did his arms get so big?

JOHN: she looked alright. mostly just tired.  
JOHN: at least she seemed to have enough energy to babble at length about philosophical gibberish, and things about canon and such.

Roxy chuckles. Just like when Rose showed up at her door a month and a half ago. Birds fly, fish swim, nakkodiles nak, and Rose gets meta.

ROXY: guess she filled you in on all the ultimate self junk then  
JOHN: the what?  
ROXY: the shit where she starts knowing everything and feelin bad  
JOHN: oh. that’s not the term she used. she just kept describing it as a condition.  
JOHN: you haven’t been feeling anything like that, right?  
ROXY: what getting to know my ultimate self?  
JOHN: yeah.  
ROXY: man ive barely got a hold of my basic ass self  
JOHN: heh.  
JOHN: yeah, she said she was the only one going through this, that she knew of.  
JOHN: poor rose.  
JOHN: at least all that medication seems to be keeping her sort of functional.

Hmm. Infatuated though she may be, Roxy at least recognizes that that wasn’t a very cool thing to say, considering Rose’s history. Though... maybe John doesn’t know about that?

Regardless, she doesn’t want to make a huge point about it, so she limits her reaction to a slight turn of the head and a single raised eyebrow. John seems to get the message.

JOHN: she said it wasn’t like that!  
JOHN: i mean... she said it was under control.  
JOHN: well, what the fuck do i know. the only illicit substance i’ve ever done is lick that STUPID trickster lollipop.  
JOHN: NEVER AGAIN.

Roxy snorts with amusement, recalling the shenanigans at Rose and Kanaya’s wedding. Without all the alcohol relapsing and surreal horror, Trickster Mode was actually damn fun, if totally embarrassing in retrospect. Who knew that Jane could be so limber in impromptu pumpkin dodgeball? Or that Karkat could hit the high notes when the karaoke started blasting? And then there was the way Jade and Terezi couldn’t stop... actually, maybe she should try to forget that part. Gotta respect privacy.

John probably doesn’t want to talk about it, though, so back to the main conversation.

ROXY: yeah w/e  
ROXY: cant say its much my business anymore  
ROXY: rose and i arent as close as we used to be

She means that in two ways. They’re less close than they were six years ago, and they’re less close than they were six days ago.

Roxy’s still not thrilled about having had to wipe her mom’s mind. Beyond the obvious discomfort with the power itself, she doesn’t like losing her time with someone she’s close to, even if the time in question was pretty heavy.

And, uh, John’s nodding like he understands. Huh? Does he know something? Was Rose able to tell him? How could that be possible?

When Roxy gives him a curious look, John quickly turns away. Is he trying to hide something?

Well, prying would be a bad idea. Safer for Roxy to dispel John’s hypothetical suspicions about what she meant.

ROXY: maryams been keeping her real busy since they got hitched  
ROXY: they both vanished down the brooding caverns and that was p much that  
ROXY: only since she got sick and spent more time at home did we start talkin more again  
ROXY: its been great but our conversations have been a lil bit upsetting

This seems to upset John a little in turn, as he lowers his eyes and gives a quiet sigh.

Maybe he’s just concerned about Roxy’s relationship with her mother? Aw, that’s sweet of him.

JOHN: so, are you and callie still living at the same place i last saw? the one near the tower?

Huh. Kind of an abrupt topic change, but alright.

ROXY: yup  
JOHN: that’s cool.  
JOHN: it’s a nice place.  
ROXY: yeah i like it here  
ROXY: ive thought about it but ill probably never wanna live in a different kingdom  
ROXY: still feel most at home around the chess guys  
JOHN: makes sense.  
JOHN: that’s about how i feel about the salamanders.  
JOHN: which... i realize actually makes no fucking sense.

Roxy giggles. That’s just the sort of adorable cluelessness she’s come to expect from John. Goddammit, he’s doing the squinty thing again, her heart can’t take it. Oh, why did she ever let this boy slip through her fingers?

JOHN: they lead simple lives.  
JOHN: i don’t really care for the chaos of human or troll cities.  
ROXY: neither do we

Roxy’s noticed that Calliope has been awfully quiet during this conversation, so she gives a small, comforting smile and gently places her hand on hers. She makes a subtle gesture with her other hand, inviting Callie to say something.

Her companion, however, just flashes her a quick half-smile and goes back to gazing at the grass.

John’s gaze has wandered in a random direction, too.

JOHN: uh, so...

John looks like he’s about to say something else, but eventually he just closes his mouth and looks down at the picnic blanket.

He’s not just zoning out, though. Is he... staring at her and Callie’s hands?

Ah, fuck, maybe he thinks it’s the romantic kind of hand-hold. Should she clarify—? No, that’s not the kind of thing you talk about with a boy you’re hoping to get together with. She probably shouldn’t let go, though, or Callie would feel even more awkward, and Roxy really doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.

She has to think of something to say, something to serve as a distraction to fix her screwup and get the conversation back on track, but there’s just too much invisible pressure. Crap. Crap. It’s all she can do to not let her worry show in her face. What’s she supposed to do now? How are they—

CALLIOPE: ahem.  
CALLIOPE: john!  
JOHN: what?  
CALLIOPE: please forgive me if i come across as impatient. bUt if we are finished with the pleasantries, i believe yoU have a choice to make.  
JOHN: huh?  
CALLIOPE: the choice as to whether yoU will go defeat my brother, or stay here.  
CALLIOPE: have yoU decided yet?  
JOHN: there’s a choice??

Okay. Yeah, Callie probably has the right idea. Best to get this over with before Roxy has a heart attack just from holding in her anxiety.

Don’t let him see, Roxy tells herself. Breathe in... breathe out, quietly through your nose, not your mouth. Don’t blink too much. Don’t let the corners of your mouth twitch. Don’t tense your arm even though you really want to.

JOHN: i was just assuming i had to go.  
JOHN: because if i don’t, then...  
JOHN: a lot of stuff will stop being real. or i mean, stop being canon?  
JOHN: to tell you the truth, i’m a little confused about what will happen if i don’t go.  
JOHN: but it sounds like it will probably be bad!  
CALLIOPE: that may be so.  
CALLIOPE: we are not here to caUtion yoU aboUt the conseqUences of yoUr decision either way.  
CALLIOPE: bUt there is always a choice!  
CALLIOPE: roxy and i merely wished to invite yoU here for a nice hUman picnic, and show oUr sUpport for whichever decision yoU make.  
ROXY: tbh its a relief to finally be doin this  
JOHN: it is?  
ROXY: mm hm

For more reasons than he knows. Roxy’s trying not to show it, but her heart is going a mile a minute.

JOHN: how much have you actually... talked about this? i mean, how many people knew this was going to be a thing?  
ROXY: just us and rose. well dirk too i think  
ROXY: shes been talkin to me about it a bunch  
ROXY: and him too but i dunno how much  
ROXY: hes got like  
ROXY: “thoughts” about all this shit

Admittedly, she’s just guessing about that part. Rose mentioned Dirk offhand once or twice, and might have hinted that he knew something? But she explicitly said to not get him involved. Not that Roxy was tempted, because he’d inevitably go into mastermind mode and dealing with that from _two_ angles would be unbearable.

ROXY: but whatever thats not important or even remotely surprising  
ROXY: bottom line, rose has been tormenting herself about having to tell you  
ROXY: im just glad she finally said it so she can rest

Not a bad private joke, she thinks. She doesn’t even need to have Rose here to psychoanalyze her; the projection’s pretty blatant.

ROXY: now its up to you  
CALLIOPE: yes. take all the time yoU need.  
CALLIOPE: again, we aren’t here to inflUence yoU. it’s very important that the decision come from yoUr desire to go throUgh with it, one way or another.  
CALLIOPE: any tampering coUld taint the resUlts.

Rose was clear about this. John won’t be “freed from canonicity” or whatever unless he chooses to stay entirely of his own accord.

Roxy has to remain neutral, just for a few more minutes, or she won’t get the happily ever after she was promised. No matter how badly she wants to throw her arms around John and _make_ him stay.

JOHN: taint the...  
JOHN: wait, what?  
ROXY: so whatll it be john

Roxy can only imagine what’s going through John’s head right now. He’s got a lot to deal with. He must be weighing the importance of his duty to canon, his place in the world, his love of his friends, and, hopefully, his feelings for a certain hot babe sitting across from him.

He stares at the ground for a while... then he stares at her. She redoubles her concentration on keeping it together, on stopping herself from influencing him even passively or subtly. It’s hard, seeing him wrestling with so much and being unable to help, but she has to believe in Rose, and in him.

He gazes through her for another minute or so, eyes wide. Slowly, his breathing starts to accelerate, and she thinks she can see beads of sweat forming on his brow. Is he having a panic attack?

ROXY: john u ok?  
JOHN: ...  
ROXY: looked like you were gonna pass out there for a second

Calliope suddenly sits up and claps her hands, in that adorable way she does when she gets an idea.

CALLIOPE: of coUrse! what was i thinking.  
CALLIOPE: this decision is far too important to be made on an empty stomach.

Oh, thank goodness! Callie to the rescue, as always. She’s such a good friend.

Callie scoots over a little and retrieves the picnic basket. She had packed two dishes of comfort food for her and Roxy to indulge in if John chose to leave: a plate of meat for her, and a plate of candy for Roxy, who’s always been more partial to the sweet stuff.

But Roxy’s more than willing to change plans if it’ll make John’s life easier, and thankfully Callie seems to feel the same way.

CALLIOPE: here, before yoU choose which path yoU’re going to take, yoU shoUld decide what yoU’d like to eat!  
CALLIOPE: i have packed a wide variety of provisions. easily enoUgh to satisfy even the most ravenoUs picnic-goer’s appetite.  
CALLIOPE: behold, an array of savory delights for the carnally inclined.  
CALLIOPE: or perhaps something for yoUr sweet tooth, if a lUst for treats is what stokes yoUr desire?

Heh. Sometimes Roxy forgets how flowery Calliope’s narration can get. It’s no wonder Rose gets along so well with her.

Callie gently removes the cheesecloth from the dishes. Yep, looks like she went all out for this one. Gourmet venison cuts seared just slightly, and an assortment of the finest colorful sweets from the Prospit Candy Shoppe. Nothing but the best on a day as important as this.

John peeks inside the basket, presumably to see if there’s anything else, but all that’s left is a book that Callie’s been reading over the past few days. It’s a thick tome in black and white which can be read from either end. Apparently it got pretty polarized reviews online.

While looking at the dishes, John purses his lips and puts a finger to them, and then... just kind of stays like that. His eyes flick back and forth, back and forth, between the two dishes. Meat, Candy. Meat, Candy.

He seems calmer about this choice than the actually important one, but he’s... wow, he’s really taking a long time to decide. His gaze is so scrutinizing that she half-expects him to pull out a magnifying glass and a deerstalker hat.

...Is something wrong? Roxy subtly looks to Calliope with a raised eyebrow, but she just shrugs.

John suddenly exhales sharply, and a new glint in his eyes makes it clear that he’s made up his mind.

He shakes his head for a split second, as if waking himself up, then reaches for his chosen dish.  



	4. Canon

_What might have been..._

As Roxy watched John eat, she really wished she’d packed a fork and knife.

John’s choice of meal was surprising enough. Why would he choose the cold, tough, unforgiving meat when there was a pile of sweet, tasty candy right there? Calliope’s tastes made sense, with her being an alien and all, but surely the candy would be more appetizing to a human.

Even more disconcerting, however, was the very... _enthusiastic_ nature of his consumption. Granted, Roxy hadn’t seen John in a while, so she supposed it was possible that she’d forgotten some of his mannerisms. But she was fairly sure that his table manners used to, at the least, exist.

He resembled a starving wolf devouring its kill. He gulped down huge chunks of venison like he was being timed in a contest. He ripped, he rendered, he slobbered, he was uncharacteristically fucking gross. At one point he _sneezed_ out some meat and wiped it away callously with his hand.

Roxy leaned forward to examine the gruesome spectacle. It was captivating in the worst possible way, like a car crash or natural disaster.

Eventually, John finished attacking his meal. He snatched the plate from Calliope’s hands and licked it clean, then set it down with such force that Roxy was almost surprised it didn’t break. His shirt was stained. His hands and lower face glistened with grease.

As he began to digest, John looked past Roxy to an imaginary horizon, clearly deep in thought once again. But now his brow was furrowed and his expression was dark.

“I know what I must do,” he said.

Roxy’s hopes began to fade. Those were not the words of a man relinquishing his cosmic duty.

“I have to go back and kill Lord English.”

“You sure?” she asked.

John nodded. “I think so. It will probably be hard, but I think it’s the right thing to do. Everyone is counting on me.”

The awkward indecisiveness and levity from earlier were absent from John’s face, replaced by grim determination. As Roxy studied him, she knew that he believed his words with absolute, remorseless certainty. Like this whole picnic was a trifling diversion which he’d already wasted too much time on.

Well.

That was that.

The universe flipped a coin for her future, and it came up tails.

Roxy leaned back and took a deep breath, feeling a strange gravity as her hopes were pulled into the ground. Love, marriage, family, confidence in her own identity... she had come so close to her happily ever after that she could taste it, but it was always an illusion. She had been wrong to hope.

Trying not to show emotion, she said “I understand.” If she was forced to say anything more than that, she was sure she’d burst into tears.

A long silence followed, punctuated only by the bell tower sounding the hour.

“So, is that it?” John asked, a trace of uncertainty returning to his face. “Should I, uh... get going?”

“If this is your decision, then yes,” Calliope replied coldly. “There’s no time to lose, if the choice you have made is to matter.”

 _Yes. Please. Just... go,_ Roxy thought.

Callie closed the basket, stood, and offered Roxy her hand. Her mannerisms were subtle enough that John probably couldn’t pick up on them, but Roxy knew what they signified. Disappointment and disgust toward the boy who had broken her friend’s heart.

Roxy took the comforting hand of the only person she could count on, following her lead in rising up.

“Okay, then. Um... thanks for inviting me to this picnic,” John said, not sounding particularly thankful. “Guess I’ll see you both... when I get back?”

 _Just go,_ Roxy thought again. _I love you. Leave me alone._

John looked back and forth between his two gracious hosts. Then he burped loudly, forcing Roxy to resist the urge to wrinkle her nose.

Wordlessly, Roxy and Calliope turned away and walked down the hill. After a few seconds, a quiet _woosh_ in the air and a shadow dashing past their feet said that John had left them behind and flown toward the sun.

They walked for about two blocks, paying no mind to the beautiful spring day or the passing carapacians, before Roxy abruptly stopped. She stood motionless for a few seconds, then collapsed into a sitting position on the retaining wall of the garden they were walking by, and put her head in her hands.

She started weeping almost immediately, surprising even herself with how quickly the emotions came pouring out. It made sense, though, because she’d been holding everything in for the longest day of her adult life. She couldn’t do it any longer.

The other pedestrians politely averted their gazes and hurried on by. Calliope — ever-present, ever-faithful Calliope — sat down on the wall next to Roxy and placed a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“Do you want...?” she began.

“Yes, please,” Roxy sniffed, laughing bitterly through her tears. “I’d like that candy now.”

\---

“dear roxy,

“thank you for inviting me to the picnic today. it was good to see you again, it’s been too long.

“there’s a chance i won’t come back from this mission, so i should clear the air now just in case i can’t later. i used to have a pretty big crush on you, back when we were kids, but we’ve grown apart for so long and pursuing something now wouldn’t be right. maybe i could have done things better before, but i can’t have any regrets right now. you’re a great girl and a wonderful friend, but i think you’d be happier with callie anyway.

“part of me wishes i could have stayed, but the work i have to do is too important. if it means you and callie can live your lives in safety and happiness, it’ll be worth the risk.

“i wish you all the best.

“your friend, john.”

Roxy finished reading John’s note and set it back down on the table.

It was a sweet letter, if somewhat self-centered. If Rose were there, she would perhaps have critiqued the repetitive sentence structure (four “but” sentences in a row?) and saturation of first-person pronouns. Even if Roxy cared about such things, though, the stains on the paper and the scratchiness of the handwriting signified that John wrote this note in a hurry.

The sentiments in the note were important, but for some reason Roxy’s mind kept coming back to a seemingly innocuous turn of phrase.

 _Great girl, wonderful friend? Heh. Three out of four ain’t bad,_ Roxy thought, chuckling to themself.

In the weeks following John’s departure, before they found his note, Roxy had resumed their journey of identity introspection. The cosmically preordained endpoint for that journey had been yanked away, so now it was up to them to determine the path.

Once the grieving period had passed, Roxy did some reflecting, and decided that their projection of their gender worries onto John’s choice seemed... silly, almost? They couldn’t expect John to make them feel better about being a woman; gender was a thing they’d have to work out themselves.

So they’d decided to try out neutral pronouns, though they hadn’t told anyone but Callie yet. It felt... better? It still felt a little off, like there should be some better form of description. But even if they hadn’t gone public with it yet, they didn’t have to be defined by the arbitrary role forced on them by a long-dead society any more.

Roxy still felt uncomfortable. But now, at least in part, they felt... free.

They’d have time to keep working things out, of course. And Callie would be there to help.

Roxy folded up John’s letter and left.

\---

Roxy and Calliope were stargazing on the roof of their apartment one quiet evening in midsummer. They lay on their backs, holding hands, watching the constellations twinkle above them. The stars always seemed brighter and clearer in this new universe.

“You know, there’s something that’s been bugging me,” Roxy murmured.

“Oh?”

“Why couldn’t John just go back and save his dad?” they asked. “If he can change things without making a doomed timeline, couldn’t he yoink his dad out from before the game? Just pick him up and bring him to Earth C. Bam, no more need to mourn for years.”

Calliope sighed. “Well... I have a theory on the limitations of John’s power. Regretfully, however, it involves heavy use of the word ‘narrative,’ and I don’t wish to spoil the beauty of this night by repeating it.”

Roxy laughed. “If you say so, gorgeous. Another time, then.”

“Mmm.”

A shooting star streaked across the sky.

“I dunno, I just... like the idea of being able to save everyone, even if it doesn’t totally make sense,” Roxy said. “There were a buncha trolls that didn’t make it, right? They should’ve been able to live here, and I would’ve liked to make friends with ‘em.”

Calliope nodded, pondering.

“Well, prolly not Gamzee though,” Roxy amended.

“Oh, heavens no.” Calliope shuddered at the thought.

\---

Roxy walked through the rain-soaked alleyway, coat billowing in the wind, footsteps making little splashes on the pale cobblestone.

Calliope hadn’t been seen since they ran away from whatever had possessed Jade. They weren’t answering their phone, and none of Roxy’s other friends had seen them either. Roxy had been forced to turn to anonymous tips and celebrity gossip sites for clues to their location.

Now, at last, here they were, huddled shivering in the shadow of a seedy Dersite convenience store. Discarded candy wrappers littered the ground around them.

Roxy gently called their name, but the cherub gave no indication that they had heard. They just kept tremorously muttering to themself.

“I can’t let her see me, I can’t let her see me, I can’t let her see me, I can’t let her see me...”

“Callie?” Roxy called again, louder, making them jump up with a start.

Calliope faced Roxy in the darkness. Their eyes were wide and every muscle in their body was stiff.

For a moment, Roxy thought they might run away again, or worse, attack. But instead, Calliope suddenly rushed forward and hugged their companion tightly.

“Roxy... Roxy... you came to find me...” they sobbed.

“Ssh, ssh, it’s alright. I’m here,” Roxy said, gently returning Calliope’s embrace.

“I was so scared... when Jade, when she... I couldn’t...”

“I know, honey, I know,” Roxy said softly. “It’s okay. I’m here... I’m here... I’m here.”

They stood like that for some time.

The light drizzle continued to fall.

There was nothing beyond the two of them. No city, no Earth C, no universe frog. No fractured friendships, no political fights, no sudden possessions. No judgement, no pain.

Just two people, holding each other. Together.

Eventually, Calliope let go.

“I’m sorry. I must have scared you, running off like that,” they said, calmer now.

“It’s fine. You’re safe now. That’s all that matters.”

“Is she still...”

“Jade’s at the hospital now. She’s in a coma. Someone shot her with a tranq.”

Callie’s eyes widened. “Wait... why would...? Who could...? How could...?”

“I dunno, but the first thing I did after moving Jade was alchemize some bulletproof glass for the apartment. So we don’t need to worry about a repeat performance.”

Callie nodded, but didn’t say anything more.

“Are you okay to come home?” Roxy asked.

“No! No, not yet. I just... can’t, with her... Maybe someday, but not now.”

“Well... you should at least get out of this alleyway. Maybe we can get a hotel or something?”

“Yes... I’d like that,” Callie said. “Will you stay with me?”

“Of course,” Roxy replied, smiling warmly.

They hugged once more, and Roxy reflected for a moment on how lucky they were to have found each other.

Callie had been wrong all those months ago in the forest. They were lovely, and capable of love. They just needed... someone to show them that love.

\---

“You’re absolutely sure you don’t want to come along?” Roxy asked, captchaloguing his last suitcase.

“I can’t. Not now. Not with...” Callie shuddered. They wet their brush and painted a few more strokes on the walls.

Roxy nodded. Part of him wanted to ask more, about what they knew about Jade’s possession and why they were so afraid to talk about it. But as Terezi had said, pushing them when they were vulnerable would be a bad idea.

He leaned over to take a look at Calliope’s latest work. It was a portrait of a vacantly grinning woman in pink with shadowed eyes, a moustachioed and despondent man in blue, and a boy in lighter blue whose expression she couldn’t read.

As Callie put down their brush, Roxy placed a hand on their shoulder.

“I’m sorry, for... leaving you alone like this,” he said.

Callie turned toward him and shook their head. “I won’t be alone, love. Jane’s staying as well. She might appreciate my company, and... if not, I’ll always have my paintings.”

Roxy frowned. “She’ll definitely appreciate your company! Janey’s gonna be the bestiest bestie who ever bested, and if she isn’t I’m gonna wallop her tight ass from all the way across space.”

This prompted a giggle from Callie. “I know you will.”

“Yo, Rox, you almost done? We gotta get going!” came a voice from outside the door.

Roxy pulled Callie in for a hug. “Looks like that’s my cue, sweetheart. Call you this evening?”

“Of course. I’ll be waiting by the phone.”

“I love you, Calliope.”

“I love you too, Roxy.”

Kissing a skull wasn’t easy, but Roxy had practice, and Calliope was always more than satisfied with his performance.

The two lovers lost themselves in each other’s mouths for a transient eternity.

Roxy had ceased to be troubled by the number of paths his life could have taken. He would ultimately never know what could have happened in other branches of possibility, but in this branch, he was undoubtedly a product of his _own_ choices. And what he had, here, with his beautiful partner, was good.

At last, Roxy reluctantly pulled away from the kiss and walked towards the door.

“I’ll be back soon,” he said, giving Calliope one more cheerful wave as he left their home.

\---

Roxy would not be back soon.

The voyage of the eloquently dubbed HMS _Princefucker_ took three years.

The crew of six — Karkat, Kanaya, Dave, Roxy, Jake, and Jade — hunted Dirk relentlessly. Their determination to rescue their friends from his grip never wavered. They calculated trajectories, warped spacetime, anything to close in faster on their foe.

Through all this time, Roxy would remain in constant communication with his partner back home. He would talk with them for hours about matters both paramount and inconsequential. He would tell them, in full honesty, about how he wanted nothing more than to finish this journey and see their smiling face again.

He would think of John Egbert only rarely, and never as an object of desire. Though painful at the time, John’s choice had eventually led to closure. Roxy had, truly, moved on.

Now, at last, the heroes' journey is finally over. Dirk is in their sights and they’re steeling their hearts for the imminent confrontation.

Their hearts are full of worry and questions. Will they all survive? Can they save their friends? What are Dirk’s grander intentions? Will they be forced to kill Dirk, or can they talk him down?

None of them knows what will happen. Despite his protestations to the contrary, Dirk certainly doesn’t either. And while Terezi’s vision reaches farther than most, she still can’t see the full picture.

Only I can.

I look forward to unveiling that picture, once I’ve hung up my palette and the last brushstrokes have dried. But right now, it’s another story for another day.

I apologize for this lengthy diversion. There were simply a few players whom the Muse neglected to account for, and while I find direct intervention crass, a slight nudge was necessary to maintain the orchestra’s tempo. Beyond that, I thought it generous to contextualize the events you’re about to see unfold.

I’ll return the pen to our abstract and impersonal narrator for the duration of this story. A story of far less cosmic import, but great personal import nevertheless.

Just remember that even as the story below the horizon is told, the story beyond continues, and will be revealed in time. A reckoning will not be postponed indefinitely.

See you soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. Given subsequent reveals, it seems some crucial features of this accounting have proven erroneous. How unfortunate.
> 
> I'll leave it up regardless. Though not strictly canon, it contributes ancillary canonical value, and the contextualization of the following chapters still applies.
> 
> Going forward, I'll be more cautious about openly performing orchestrations like these. Don't want to tip my hand too early, after all.


	5. Epilogue One

_...and what was._

As Roxy watches John eat, she’s relieved he picked the candy; the meat probably would have been way too messy. She didn’t even pack a fork and knife!

John’s choice of meal was hardly surprising. Faced with a choice between cold meat and tasty candy, anyone would pick the latter! Well, except Callie, on account of being a goofy alien with loveable but strange tastes, and maybe the trolls, who... might be carnivores? Roxy realizes she doesn’t know, then realizes she doesn’t care.

Somewhat more surprising, however, is the very... _delicate_ nature of John’s consumption. She’s always thought of him as endearingly clumsy and awkward, in a way that really brought out the Jake in him, but none of that is on display here. He’s sitting up straight, taking pea-sized bites, chewing slowly with his mouth closed, and pausing to wipe his hands before picking up each new piece of candy.

All that’s missing from this adorable display is a teacup he can hold while sticking his pinky out. It reminds her of Jane’s exceedingly Prim And Proper manners at Important Business Meetings. Maybe John got some of his mom in him after all.

Eventually, after finishing the last strawberry swirl mint, John delicately sets the plate down on the blanket. There’s a bit of sugary syrup left on it.

He leans back and gazes outward. Roxy thinks for a minute that he’s looking at something in the distance, but... no, he’s looking right at her.

He’s smiling.

JOHN: you know what?  
ROXY: ...  
JOHN: maybe i’ll stay after all.

Roxy’s breath catches in her throat.

ROXY: r... rly?  
JOHN: yeah. now that i’ve had some time to think about, is lord english really that big of a deal?  
JOHN: i mean, i know rose said it was a big deal.  
JOHN: that canon would... “dissipate,” if i didn’t go do it. whatever that means...

John keeps talking, but Roxy can scarcely hear him over... the sound of the earth’s rotation as it accelerates to a halt. The sound of the universe expanding infinitely to a single point. The crescendo of silence at the corners of her vision, blacker than black and whiter than white.

Is this really happening? Is he... actually choosing her?

She had hoped he would stay, hoped to all fuck, but somehow she... didn’t think he actually would. He’s got so much he can do, why would he settle for her? What could she give him but all of her heart?

But now... maybe it’s real. Maybe Rose was right, and he loves her enough to stay. The possibilities she’s dreamed of these past few weeks — love, marriage, family... knowing who she is, _what_ she is, what she wants... maybe they’ll make it real?

Roxy realizes she’s forgotten to breathe.

John’s still talking. Oh, fuck, she really needs to listen to this!

JOHN: ...of everyone’s existence into my own hands, i should just...  
JOHN: stay here and try to enjoy life?

Roxy’s heart pounds furiously in her ears as she tries to maintain her composure. 

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. He’s actually going to stay! Well, probably! There was still a little uncertainty in his voice. Just... she has to be patient, just a minute longer...

CALLIOPE: are you absolUtely sUre aboUt this, john?

Calliope’s hand is shaking in Roxy’s. She must be so excited too!

John looks up to the sky, apparently lost in thought.

The breeze brings a stray maple leaf to land gently on his forehead. He picks it up and looks at it for a moment, holding a finger to his lower lip. Then, with a flick, he gives it back to the breeze.

As John gazes dreamily at Roxy with those ocean-blue eyes of his, he gives her a smile that could melt a glacier.

JOHN: yeah. actually, i don’t think i’ve ever been so sure of anything in my life.

Oh, _FUCK_ yes! Yes, yes, YES!

Any remaining worries vanish from Roxy’s mind in an instant. The mask of calm shatters and she lets out all her excitement, all her happiness and joy, as one pure ecstatic note. Her whole body tenses as she brings her fists to her chin; then, unable to hold back any longer, she throws herself at John and squeezes him tight.

ROXY: omg john  
ROXY: thats...  
ROXY: AMAZING!  
ROXY: im so stoked!!! :D

She nestles into him, shifting to drink in as much of him as she can. Her eyes begin to water. She lets the tears flow freely.

She doesn’t need to hide her tears or be embarrassed. She’s free! Free to be happy. Free to be with someone who loves her. Happy, loving, loved.

As John recovers from her attack and wraps his arms around her too, Roxy thinks she can hear distant wedding bells, but realizes that she’s hearing the bell tower. It chimes twice. Once in pink, once in blue.

Happily ever after, here she is.

And... in this moment, she’s never felt more like a woman. And nothing has ever felt more _right,_ dammit. She’s finally _done,_ she’s finally _her,_ she’s finally... _she._ She doesn’t need to worry about gender stuff ever again.

At last, Roxy lets John go, then scootches back and claps in excitement.

ROXY: this is gonna be so effing AWESOME  
CALLIOPE: yes. i think that yoU have made an excellent choice, john!  
CALLIOPE: i can already feel the aUra of eqUivocation that’s been hanging over Us all these years fading!

Oh, right! Calliope! Yeah, Roxy needs to share this moment with her too!

JOHN: equivocation?  
CALLIOPE: oh, sorry!  
CALLIOPE: what i mean is that i think we’ve all had a hard time moving on from what we experienced in oUr old Universes.  
CALLIOPE: now we finally can pUt that Ugliness behind Us.  
CALLIOPE: oh, john, this is amazing! i have sUch big plans for yoU!

Callie’s beaming and her voice is as sweet as the sugar on the plate, though something seems a little off about her eyes. John looks happy too, if extremely confused. Roxy supposes she doesn’t blame him; he hasn’t peeked ahead to the last page of the book like she has.

JOHN: uh...  
JOHN: plans?  
ROXY: stop asking so many questions dummy  
ROXY: its gonna be great  
CALLIOPE: it will be more than great.  
CALLIOPE: bUt first there is one last thing yoU mUst do with your retcon powers. someone that yoU need to help.  
CALLIOPE: someone that *only* yoU can help.

Calliope leans forward. The slight waver in her voice disappears for a moment, replaced by a quiet, dark firmness.

CALLIOPE: yoU mUst free the bard from his prison.  
JOHN: ???  
CALLIOPE: gamzee.

...

...

What,

CALLIOPE: let poor gamzee oUt of the fridge, john.  
CALLIOPE: the time has come. u_u  
JOHN: poor... GAMZEE??  
CALLIOPE: he’s sUrely learned his lesson by now.  
CALLIOPE: if we are to tUrn over a new page in this story, we shoUld tUrn that page for everyone.

_Whaaaaat?_

But... _huh?_ Wha? Why— who— _What?!_

Roxy feels like she’s been listening to a grand and glorious orchestra perform a beautiful symphony, only for it to cut off halfway through the finale with a comedic downward slide whistle.

CALLIOPE: gamzee mUst begin seeking redemption immediately. he has sUffered enoUgh!  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: HAS he, though?  
CALLIOPE: oh my yes. absolUtely.  
JOHN: are you sure?  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse!

Calliope’s voice is steady now, but her breathing is shallow and she’s bouncing her leg.

John looks to Roxy with an expression of total bewilderment, but all she can do is give him a small, confused smile. Her brain’s still catching up.

After a second, John shrugs while rolling his eyes and giving a sharp sigh. There’s a zap as he glows white and disappears, followed by a faint _whoosh_ as the surrounding air rushes to fill the new John-shaped hole.

A few seconds pass before Roxy looks at Calliope in confusion.

ROXY: callie, uh  
ROXY: what exactly dafuck?

Callie turns to Roxy with a start.

CALLIOPE: roxy, l-- erm, whatever do yoU mean?  
ROXY: u kno what i mean girl  
ROXY: gamzee?? srsly??  
CALLIOPE: i, er, Um, don’t yoU remember? i coUld have sworn i broUght this sUbject Up with yoU!  
ROXY: nah you defo didnt lmao  
CALLIOPE: oh. well, Uhh...  
CALLIOPE: it’s as i said to john! gamzee shoUld have a fresh start!  
CALLIOPE: rose mentioned that john woUld lose the ability to retcon shortly after he chose to be with yoU, so it made sense to act qUickly. there was no time to waste, if there was to be any hope for his eventUal redemption!  
ROXY: ya, i get zapping john back 2 save some ppl, but...  
ROXY: why HIM  
ROXY: why not like the cute cat girl or the cute fish girl or some1 else who got prematurely murdered?  
CALLIOPE: well... hm, how to explain...  
CALLIOPE: john may not have been able to save them, dUe to the vagUe but present limits of his canon-altering powers.  
CALLIOPE: the deaths of those two heroes, and others in their session, marked the ends of their particUlar stories, as defined by paradox space.  
CALLIOPE: to alter a story after its conclUsion... falls into a mUrky area. canon is primarily concerned with those whose stories are still ongoing, or have been left with an open end.  
CALLIOPE: gamzee is still very mUch alive. there are still stories to tell aboUt him!  
ROXY: okay canon bs, got it  
ROXY: buuut whenever u talked about him before we were clowning on the clown in a group  
ROXY: whyd u want to save him now?  
CALLIOPE: well...

Calliope’s eyes are flickering back and forth nervously.

CALLIOPE: casUal jokes are one thing, bUt i know gamzee has it in him to be a great person!  
CALLIOPE: anyone can be a great person if they jUst try!  
CALLIOPE: so sending john to let him out of the fridge made sense.  
ROXY: aaaaaare we talking about the same gamzee?  
ROXY: the murderclown? the demon cultist? the fucker who beat up his gf for no reason?  
ROXY: are you SURE he can be a good guy???

Roxy normally wouldn’t be anywhere _near_ this harsh with her best friend, but Callie’s acting weird and putting one hell of a damper on what was, for a few minutes, the best day of her life. Still, seeing Callie shrink back a little, she decides to dial it back.

ROXY: im not mad @ you, gorgeous, its just...  
ROXY: i rly dont get what you see in him  
CALLIOPE: ...  
CALLIOPE: he’s done some good things.  
CALLIOPE: before he lost access to his soporific slime, he was a friend to his fellow players. he can be that again.  
CALLIOPE: and... even if it was on the orders of his master...  
CALLIOPE: he did raise me.  
CALLIOPE: he ensUred i had what i needed to sUrvive, and to meet yoU.  
CALLIOPE: i know he can grow and change.  
ROXY: well...  
ROXY: i... just dunno...  
CALLIOPE: please, jUst give him a chance! i’m sure yoU’ll come to love him. ^u^

Before Roxy can think of something to say, John zaps back into existence with Jane’s refrigerator.

JOHN: so uh...  
JOHN: i’m back.  
JOHN: everyone get ready for THIS fucking guy, i guess...

Welp, looks like this is happening. No turning back now.

John reluctantly opens the fridge, and pop goes the clown, shooting ten feet into the air like a coiled spring before landing as a hacking, gasping purple blob. John recoils and pinches his nose at the stench. Calliope gives him a look of reprimand, but Roxy can’t blame him, because _whoof._

GAMZEE: HOOOOOOOOOOOONK.  
GAMZEE: cough COUGH cough CHOKE honk CHOKE!  
GAMZEE: wheeeeeeeeeze HONK cough HONK choke WHEEEEEZE.  
CALLIOPE: ah, poor thing.  
CALLIOPE: it’s alright now. yoU’re alright.  
CALLIOPE: take a moment to catch yoUr breath, mr. clown. yoU’ll be jUst fine.

Gamzee lets out a prolonged burst of coughing, choking, wheezing, and assorted honks which, to Roxy, seem almost performative. Eventually, he collapses into some even more theatrical sobs and tears.

GAMZEE: BoO hOo HoNk HoO hOnK hOnK wAaAaAaAaAaAh!  
CALLIOPE: oh dear.  
CALLIOPE: what is it, sir?  
CALLIOPE: tell Us what pains yoU. let it all oUt, friend.  
CALLIOPE: we are here for yoU. u_u  
GAMZEE: i BeEn A bItCh AsS nAuGhTy MoThErFuCkEr. :o(

That’s, uh, a good sign? It’s the barest minimum of self-reflection, but still more than Roxy expected. Callie gives Gamzee an encouraging pat on the back.

GAMZEE: i Up AnD dOnE sOmE mOtHeRfUcKeRs RaW.  
GAMZEE: ThOsE mOtHeRfUcKeRs MoSt Of AlL wHo I cAlLeD aS mY fRiEnDs.  
GAMZEE: i PuT tHe StRaIgHt Up FuCkIn HaRsHnEsS aT tHeM aNd It WaSnT mOtHeR fUcKiN nIcE oF mE...

Gamzee starts to give a rambling sermon about his moral epiphany, but for the second time this afternoon, Roxy zones out immediately. This time it’s not because she’s distracted by some deeply pretentious oxymoronic pseudo-sounds. She’s just trying to parse what the hell is going on.

Calliope doesn’t have a duplicitous bone in her body, so Roxy buys her reasons for freeing Gamzee, but those reasons are... so bizarre? Why do it now rather than earlier, and why not tell Roxy about it first? Would she still have done it if John hadn’t chosen to stay?

Gamzee’s talking about his time in the fridge, and Roxy finds herself wondering how long exactly he was in there for. Hours? Days? Years? Looking at him, she can’t even decide whether he’s still a teenager or in his early twenties.

Is he sincere about wanting to redeem himself? How did Callie know that he’d want to? Is this another Rose prophecy or something, even though Rose has always talked about Gamzee with the same laughing contempt that they all have?

Hmm. Callie’s looking a little bored as she pats Gamzee on the back, so that probably rules out any, like, clownvoodoo hypnosis or some shit. That’s good.

...Maybe she’s being selfish, but she really wanted this day to be about her and John. About the start of their beautiful future together, now that she knows he loves her. But... she does love Callie too, and she owes it to her to respect the people she cares about. No matter who those people are, right?

John’s face shows that he clearly doesn’t agree, but when he swears under his breath, Roxy quietly shooshes him out of politeness.

GAMZEE: I bEeN aLl LiKe. AbUsEd AnD sTuFf, HoMiEs.  
GAMZEE: As A cHiLd, I gOt MoThErFuCkIn NeGlEcTeD oN bY a StErN oLd FaThErLy GoAt.  
GAMZEE: I wAs A dIsApPoInTmEnT oN hIm, AnD cAn’T sAyS i BlAmE hIm FoR aBaNdOnInG tHe ShIt OuT oF hIs UsElEsS kId...

Gamzee starts monologuing about his upbringing and how it pressured him into being a piece of shit. Which... fair, maybe, but Roxy also grew up alone in a dystopia, and didn’t even commit friendicide once.

God, this is so weird. Roxy just wants to start over, forget she even thought about Gamzee today, go back to staring lovingly at her stud of a now-predestined future husband, and try to recapture that fleeting moment from earlier which she’d been hoping for ages to have, that feeling of intense satisfaction with her womanliness.

But instead, here she is. Half-listening to a smelly clown whom one of the two most important people in her life is supportively embracing, while the other sneaks away a few feet to fiddle with his phone. It’s not _awful,_ it’s just... this scene didn’t play any part in her fantasy, and she doesn’t quite know how to...

You know what? Fuck it. This is _still_ the best day of her life, and she’s not going to let _anything_ ruin it for her. She’s going to be a good friend to her friends, she’s going to believe everything Callie and Gamzee are saying, and everything’s gonna be fucking great!

GAMZEE: My ReDeMpTiOn ArC iS tRuLy ThE dAnKnEsS. i MeAn It HaRd, AnD i’M gOiNg SiNcErE aT iT lIkE oNe SaD aNd SoRrY bAdBoY mOtHeRfUcKeR.  
GAMZEE: fRoM tHiS dAy FrOnTwArD, i PlAn To GeT mY pLeDgE oN tO bE a ChAnGeD cLoWn.  
GAMZEE: TrUlY a NeW aSs MoThErFuCkEr, ThAnKs To My NeW fRiEnDs. :o)  
CALLIOPE: bravo!!! ^u^  
ROXY: fuck yea

Gamzee raises his arms and pulls Roxy and Calliope into a tearful group hug. God, he smells even worse up close. But that’s fine! It’s fine, he’s fine. Everything, from here on out, is gonna be absolutely fine.

In the middle of a burst of sobs, tears, and honks, Gamzee suddenly stops as his eye catches John’s used candy plate. He pulls away from the hug for a second, picks it up, and laves his tongue all over it like he’s trying to paint a canvas. When he’s done, he slams the plate down so hard onto the blanket it shatters, then wraps his arms around Calliope and resumes crying right where he left off.

Well. Roxy would prefer an intact plate dirtied with a bit of sugary residue to a broken plate covered in clown drool, but it’s not a catastrophe. She’ll clean the pieces up later or something. Preferably with gloves, or with one of those grabby-sticks from a safe distance.

A small crowd is starting to form, drawn by Gamzee’s histrionics; whether to listen genuinely or mockingly, Roxy can’t say. She just slowly nods in support, mentally workshopping this unexpected figure into her happily ever after.

The meat lies abandoned and forgotten, left out on the blanket to rot.  



	6. Epilogue Two, Part One

ROXY: --so callie + i transportalized out like the sign said, but do u know where it ACTUALLY went??  
ROSE: Do tell!  
ROXY: f’n ANTARCTICA  
ROSE: Hahaha! Are you serious?!  
ROXY: serious as fuck!  
ROXY: i popped out in front of a penguin n you shoulda SEEN the look on his face!  
ROSE: Hahahaha!  
ROSE: I’m impressed, Roxy! Normally things this stupid only happen to Dave!

It’s been a few days, and Rose has come over to Roxy’s apartment again. The two are swapping silly stories over afternoon tea. The color in Rose’s face has returned.

ROXY: so we ditched the cabbages and flew the hell out of there, and she told me--  
ROSE: “I knew we should have turned left”?  
ROXY: i KNEW we should have turned left!  
ROSE: HAH!  
ROXY: hahaHA! omg i was SOOOOO embarrassed  
ROXY: from now on im alchemizing my OWN furniture!   
ROSE: I’m just glad it turned out okay!  
ROXY: oh absolutely haha!  
ROXY: i probs shouldnt mention it to the fire department, tho  
ROSE: Definitely not! Hahahaha!

It’s a bright and cheery afternoon. The window curtains have been pulled back, letting the sun shine unobstructed upon the two Lalondes. Rose laughs once more and shakes the tears from her eyes.

ROSE: Ha...! Oh, Roxy, it’s so good to spend time with you like this. Just talking, without residual canonicity hanging over our heads like a Damoclean sword.  
ROXY: ha i totally agree!  
ROXY: gotta say tho i didnt expect you would see it that way  
ROXY: aint you normally all about canon and stuff?  
ROSE: Well, it’s certainly true that...  
ROSE: Wait, how do you know about my erstwhile preoccupation? I’m not sure we ever discussed it.  
ROXY: oh uh

Oops. Right. Rose doesn’t remember soliloquizing at her about narrative bullshit, because Roxy removed those memories for the sake of Rose’s “plan.” Gotta be careful to avoid referencing them.

ROXY: john told me  
ROXY: he said u rly talked his ear off before he picnicked w me and callie

Not a lie! See, there’s no need to worry about misleading her mom. She could very well have been talking about that instead.

ROSE: Ah. Yes, I suppose I did.  
ROSE: It’s hard to describe what changed, exactly! It just feels like... it doesn’t matter anymore? As though in an instant, our paths ceased to be dictated by cosmic forces and we became free to simply live as ourselves.  
ROSE: In this new paradigm of reality, my powers are at their weakest, but my head is at its clearest.  
ROXY: wait whats wrong with ur powers?  
ROXY: can u not see the future anymore?  
ROSE: Strictly speaking, I never could.  
ROSE: My aspect is Light, after all. Direct visions of the future would fall under the purview of a Seer of Time.  
ROSE: So Jade might have that ability, if she inverted... oh, I suppose I never explained that concept, did I?  
ROXY: ...nnnnnnnnnnno  
ROSE: Well, it’s not important right now. I’ll give you the rundown later. Who knows, perhaps Calliope would be interested as well!  
ROSE: Anyway, my specific flavor of sight allows me to perceive the course of action which will lead to the most fortuitous outcome. This usually manifests as a sequence of actions I’ll need to undertake, or to instruct others to undertake.  
ROSE: Frequently, these instructions will provide context I can use as an indirect form of prognostication.  
ROSE: As a simple example, if I wish to navigate a hedge maze, and foresee that I should turn left at the statue of the Mayor, that implies there’s a statue of the Mayor in the maze.  
ROXY: good! there should be  
ROSE: Of course! No fancy garden is complete without one.  
ROSE: But even those powers aren’t infallible. They work best in a system with few actors. The more parties involved, the more effort I have to put into predicting their actions, and the mental taxation of such effort grows exponentially.  
ROSE: As such, when I make a prediction aloud, I have to be absolutely certain I’ve gotten it right, and that I’ve properly taken all factors into account.  
ROSE: Which leads me to believe that my recent... condition... must have been due, in part, to strenuous overuse of my powers. Though, strangely, I can’t recall what I used them for.  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: le shrug!  
ROSE: On top of that, canon has-- oh. I suppose it would be polite to ask...  
ROSE: Do you mind terribly if I ramble a bit like this? We can talk about something else if you want. Life outside strict canon may be more personally freeing, but it’s done little to blunt my predilection for esoteric analysis, which I’m aware can be tiresome.

Roxy snorts. Sure, she doesn’t actually care that much about the fine details of powers or how they relate to the bullshit of canon, but Rose certainly does, and Roxy cares about _her_. When Rose was on her sickbed and every other sentence sounded super important in some bizarre and incomprehensible way, these conversations were pretty draining; now, though, she’s in good health and her face is lighting up to finally have an audience. It’s kinda cute to see.

ROXY: nah lmao  
ROXY: ramble away rose i aint busy today  
ROSE: All right, then!  
ROSE: So, my powers also wax and wane with the canonical strength of my surrounding reality, and of the actions I’m using them to facilitate.  
ROSE: When my actions are of paramount importance to the greater narrative, I become an easy conduit for the Light of the universe and can see far beyond the horizon.  
ROSE: When I’m just dicking around, or when my actions aren’t “written,” it’s like a shade has been placed on a bulb. I can still see, it just becomes more strenuous.  
ROSE: This gives me a good intuitive grasp of the three pillars of canon, which each affect my powers in different ways. The differences in effect are subtle yet convoluted, and I’m not sure I could do them justice; it would be like explaining color to a blind person.  
ROSE: Erm. Not to imply you’re blind, of course!  
ROXY: lmao right now i might as well be  
ROXY: anyway carry on  
ROSE: With pleasure!  
ROSE: So, one more reason analyzing canonicity is difficult is because of its fluidity: it can change from moment to moment, or even sentence to sentence, depending on what might be considered the most “authentic.”  
ROSE: Such authenticity is inherently subjective, of course, but a “consensus” appraisal can frequently be derived, which allows the canonicity of events to be compared in a useful way.  
ROSE: Let me try to illustrate this idea using three examples.  
ROSE: When I talked to John in my house on the thirteenth, it was a moment which was highly relevant, highly essential, and more true than anything since the end of the game.  
ROSE: When I woke up in the hospital later that day and talked to Kanaya, that conversation had diminished values of all three pillars, though essentiality was the strongest remaining one.  
ROSE: And talking to you now...  
ROSE: It’s hard to discern a consensus for this conversation. It’s definitely less relevant, and as with everything since that day, substantially less true to what you might call the “greater canon.”  
ROSE: But it’s true within the context of its _own_ narrative. A derivative fanonical narrative, known to few and important to fewer, which conflicts with countless fellow offshoots and perhaps even the original story. Yet, from a certain point of view, imbued with essentiality of its own...

Roxy’s not really listening anymore, but she’s still enjoying watching Rose talk. She gets so animated in her own quiet way.

Rose looks beautiful in her black summer dress. She’s prettier without makeup than Roxy is with it. Her thin gold chain necklace, with a small pendant of the Light symbol, looks perfect on her. Femininity fits her like a glove, Roxy thinks.

If she hadn’t recently concluded her own gender-questioning, Roxy might be a little jealous of that. She might envy how at ease Rose seems with her womanliness, how she expresses it with such confidence. She might wistfully pine for that confidence when her own identity has always been a mess of tangled knots.

But she’s definitely not thinking about any of that. She’s done, remember? She’s a strong, confident woman! She’s spending time with John and is happy as his almost-girlfriend, with emphasis on the “girl.”

Roxy looks out the window. A cloud drifts in front of the sun, causing the room’s light to fade, but it passes quickly.

Oh, oops. Rose seems to be giving her some conversational cue. In the absence of any better ideas, she nods ambiguously. It seems to satisfy Rose, who sits back and laughs.

ROSE: How do you do it, Roxy?  
ROXY: how do i do wut?  
ROSE: How are you so comfortable with living in a reality that isn’t the “real” reality?  
ROSE: Well, I suppose that’s not necessarily the correct question to ask. After all, I find myself surprisingly contented by this new state of affairs.  
ROSE: Previously, I’d considered the idea extremely disturbing. I needed there to be a purpose to my life. I needed canon to not forget about me or my friends.  
ROSE: Now that it has, however, I feel... fine? But I don’t feel like I should feel fine.  
ROSE: This _should_ really bother me, but it doesn’t.  
ROSE: How are you so... comfortable with your own comfort? Tell me your secrets!

Roxy chuckles. Looks like bizarre meta-discomfort runs in the family, though it emerges in the two of them over pretty different topics.

ROXY: i just dont think abt it that much lmao  
ROXY: whether this is “actually” happening or whether i’m “actually” here... like, w/e  
ROXY: im still livin my life  
ROXY: i still feel things  
ROXY: those things are important to me and to the ones i love and thats enough  
ROXY: idgaf if “the universe” or “canon” thinks theyre important!  
ROXY: i dont rly feel pressured to give a f either

Well, that’s not entirely true. There are some things about the universe’s perspective she appreciates knowing, if only because they pertain to her immediate future. If reality wants her to hook up with John, who is she to refuse?

ROSE: Heh. Your perspective is probably healthier than mine.  
ROSE: Who knows, maybe my discomfort is just residual and will fade away as I get used to dealing with more important things. Like actually living my life!  
ROXY: a toast to living lives!  
ROSE: Hear, hear!

The door opens, and Calliope and Gamzee walk in, fresh from the morning’s sermon. They’re deep in conversation.

CALLIOPE: ...and you shoUldn’t pay any mind to what those three said back there!  
CALLIOPE: they don’t know yoU! they have no right to jUdge yoU!  
GAMZEE: Oh AbSoLuTeLy MoThErFuCkInG nOt, CaLlIe BaBy.  
GAMZEE: ThEm HoEs AnD tHeIr BiTcH-eYeS dOn’T gEt ThAt SoCiEtY pOiSoNs ThEiR tHiNk PaNs LiKe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg SoPoR pIe!  
GAMZEE: I bEeN rEdEeMeD aNd ShIt, AnD tHeY gOtTa ReAlIzE tHeIr MoSt UnRiGhTeOuS dEmAnDs Of Me ThReAtEn My ExPrEsSiOn Of My MoSt PuRe AnD tRuE mOtHeRfUcKiN sElF.  
CALLIOPE: exactly!  
GAMZEE: lIkE, i WoUlDn’T gO uP tO tHeM aNd Be LiKe, “Yo DaWg, YoUr ArM sUcKs AsS, yOu GoTtA cUt It OfF.”  
GAMZEE: i’Ve LeFt ThOsE sOrRy DaYs BeHiNd Me, MoThErFuCkEr.  
GAMZEE: So WhY’s ThEy GeT tO sAy I gOtTa ChAnGe HoW i SmElL?  
GAMZEE: tHe WiCkEd ScEnT iS a PaRt Of Me, My NiNjA, aNd FoRcIn’ Me To BaThE wOuLd UnJuStLy SuPpReSs My FrEeDoM oF mOtHeRfUcKiN eXpReSsIoN.  
GAMZEE: tHeY dOn’T gOt ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg RiGhT tO sCrUnCh ThEiR nOsEs At Me!  
GAMZEE: ThOsE bItChEs GoTtA *sWoOn* WhEn I gRaCe ThEm WiTh My RiGhTeOuS oDoR. iF tHeY aIn’T, tHeY jUsT mOrE tOxIc MoThErFuCkIn SoCiEtY hOeS.  
GAMZEE: wOrSe ThAn AnY sHiT i EvEr GoT uP tO iN mY dAy, AnD tHeY gOtTa GeT tHeIr ReDeMpTiOn On, Yo!  
GAMZEE: HoNk!  
CALLIOPE: i’m glad yoU see it that way!  
CALLIOPE: yoU have to express yoUrself! don’t let anyone tell yoU who to be. ^u^

Gamzee lolls over to the table and places his hands on the back of Rose’s chair.

GAMZEE: WhAt Is UuUuUuUp My FiNe-AsS sIsTeRs LaLoNdE.  
GAMZEE: aRe YoU fEeLiNg DoPe As ShIt On ThIs MoSt MoThErFuCkInG bEaUtIfUl Of DaYs?

Rose gives Gamzee a look, and Roxy could swear the air temperature drops several degrees. The clown doesn’t notice, continuing to hang his jaw open in a sloppy grin while hunched over the chair.

ROSE: Dope as shit, Gamzee. In fact...

Rose pushes back from the table and stands up to stretch. She doesn’t push Gamzee that far while doing so, but he goes into an exaggerated backward somersault anyway, before landing comically on his face with a honk.

ROSE: I was planning to go for a walk in the park. Would you care to accompany me, Roxy?  
CALLIOPE: oh! may i join yoU as well?  
GAMZEE: Yo, DoN’t LeAvE mE hErE oN mY lOnEsOmE, fRiEnDoS.  
GAMZEE: iF y’AlL aRe GoInG yOu GoTtA lEt L’iL oLd GaMzEe TaG aLoNg!  
GAMZEE: It’S oNlY mOtHeRfUcKiN fAiR. :o)  
ROSE: Um.  
ROSE: No, I’m afraid... the paths are only wide enough for two. You’ll have to stay here, Gamzee.  
GAMZEE: Oh. :O(  
GAMZEE: wElL, tHaT’s MoThErFuCkIn FiNe. ThEsE hOeS cAn JuSt ChIlLaX oN tHe CoUcH wItH mE aNd PlAy SoMe MoThErFuCkInG vIdEo GaMeS.  
GAMZEE: dOn’T tHaT sOuNd SiCk RoXySoX?  
GAMZEE: hOnK.  
CALLIOPE: yes, doesn’t it? i’m sUre that we can have a lot of fUn!  
ROXY: uuuummmmmmm...

Gamzee still weirds Roxy right the fuck out, as does Callie’s insistence on bringing him along everywhere, even on Roxy’s newly-frequent hangouts with John. He’s just so _slimy_ , why does she even— 

— _no!_ Bad thought. Stop that. Gamzee’s important to Callie, and Callie’s important to Roxy, so by the transitive property Roxy has to like Gamzee too! He seems... uh, sincere in expressing who he is, and very dedicated to the idea of redemption, and those are both qualities of a good person, right? She owes it to give him a chance. 

Plus... Callie’s been wanting to spend more time together as of late. Roxy would feel bad turning her down.

ROXY: sure, that sounds cool!  
ROXY: sorry rose  
ROXY: maybe next time?

For an instant, a look of incredulity flashes across Rose’s face, but it quickly gives way to a pleasant smile.

ROSE: Perhaps!  
ROSE: Thank you for inviting me over, Roxy. See you again soon?  
ROXY: totes!

Rose waves, then shows herself out.

The apartment’s three remaining occupants walk over to the couch, though in Gamzee’s case it’s more of a swagger. Roxy sits down first, and the others sit on either side of her.

As Calliope fires up the game console, Gamzee puts his arm around both girls’ shoulders and _leeeeeans_ into Roxy’s side. His scent is terrible as ever and his purple outfit feels really greasy.

Which... is...... good! Not revolting at all! He’s just expressing himself, and as his friend, Roxy should respect that just like Callie does. She should _like_ that!

And why wouldn’t she? She chose to stay here, after all! Right now she could be talking and laughing with Rose on the way to the park, but she’s here of her own volition instead, which means this has to be even better. It _is_ even better!

Roxy looks toward the window again. It’s cloudier than she remembered. Maybe it’ll rain later.

For now, she’s got a few hours of gaming in front of her with two of her best friends, and she’s happy. She’s definitely, definitely happy.  



	7. Epilogue Two, Part Two

It’s a beautiful evening in downtown New Prospit. The sun is just beginning to set, painting the wispy clouds with warm hues. The breeze is cool and soft, gently caressing Roxy as she walks the cobblestone streets with John by her side. She went all out tonight: she’s sporting a fancy black dress, three-inch heels, pearl earrings and bracelets, purpleish-black lipstick, and meticulously applied eyeshadow and mascara. John’s in a tux which seems a bit tight and has a few wrinkles; still, he pulls it off with a strange grace which he probably isn’t even aware of.

They’re on their way to a restaurant on Mendicant Boulevard. Between the place’s elegant yet comfy atmosphere and the poshness of the district as a whole, Roxy thought it was a good place to make a romantic proposal. Not marriage-wise, since it’s still way too soon for that. Just, like, a proposal to start calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and maybe make out and stuff.

Spending time with John lately has been great, but... she wants more. It’s been long enough. She’s ready to make it official.

When she mentioned this earlier in the day, Callie paused for a second, then gave a cheerful smile. She wanted to accompany them on the walk to the cafe, and to bring Gamzee along too, so that they could show their support on this special day. Roxy acquiesced, because Gamzee’s a good friend who’s fun to be around, and she thinks she finally _believes_ that and isn’t just saying it.

Which is why, a few feet behind the trio, Gamzee is walking backward giving an impromptu sermon to his usual congregation. Roxy’s never really paid attention to his speeches, but Gamzee’s unorthodox brand of personal magnetism makes him hard to ignore, and the carapacians always eat his platitudes right up.

GAMZEE: AnD wHeN a MoThErFuCkEr TeLlS yOu To HuRrY uP aNd GeT oFf YoUr AsS, rEmEmBeR iT’s YoUr MoThErFuCkIn LiFe, AnD yOu DoN’t HaVe To Be SuBjUgGlAtEd By NoBoDy ElSe’S cLoCk!  
GAMZEE: YoU GoTtA sToP tO sMeLl ThE sEeD fRoNdS mY dUdEs.  
GAMZEE: JuSt TaKe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg WhIiIiIiIiIiIfF oF wHaTeVeR dAnK-aSs MiRaClE fLoAtS yOuR wAy.  
GAMZEE: ClInG tIgHt To It LiKe A mIlKy MaMa’S bOsOm, AnD dOn’T lEt Up No MaTtEr HoW mAnY bItChEs HoNk At YoU oVeR iT!  
CALLIOPE: isn’t that nice?  
JOHN: huh?

Callie, who’s even more enamored by Gamzee’s proselytizing than usual today, is tugging at John’s sleeve to get his attention. Her grin looks almost... pleading? John seems distracted by something, though, and spaces out so hard he walks right past their destination, so Roxy hooks her arm in his to pull him back. She shivers a little as she does so; even this little contact gives her a tiny thrill.

ROXY: were here check it  
JOHN: where’s here?  
ROXY: me n callies fave cafe!!

_Le Jardin des Oliviers,_ the most upscale of eateries. The marble pillars, ornate lighting, and lacy tablecloths all _scream_ class. The human wait staff have white suits, thick mustaches, and heavy French accents that might even be real.

JOHN: that’s it? we’re going to a coffee shop?  
JOHN: i got out of bed for THIS?

...Ouch. That kind of stings. Roxy was really looking forward to this, and if John’s disappointed already, then—

—no, no, of course it’s not like that. He’s being sarcastic! It _is_ a little odd for this place to brand itself as a cafe, after all. It’s technically true, but a diamond is technically a rock.

ROXY: lmao  
ROXY: oh john ur so FUNNY  
JOHN: no seriously roxy i just...  
JOHN: i mean, i feel like i haven’t left my house in years, and with all the stuff that’s been going on, like rose’s illness, or that stuff about the “political situation,” is it really a good idea for us to be having picnics and going out to coffee shops?  
CALLIOPE: oh john, don’t worry so mUch aboUt things that yoU have no control over.  
CALLIOPE: like i said the other day, it’s time for Us to leave Ugly things behind Us.

Aww. It’s really sweet of her to assuage John’s fears like that. Roxy’s silently grateful, once again, that Callie’s genuinely happy for her and John and hasn’t been jealous at all.  


ROXY: yea for real john cant u just enjoy what a beautiful day it is  
ROXY: i know IM enjoyin it  
ROXY: since i get to spend it with u like ive always been wanting  
JOHN: you... you have?  
ROXY: yeah duh  


She winks, wraps her arm around his waist, pulls him in, and leans her head on his shoulder. That’s one of those cute things girlfriends do, right? Flirty, charming, feminine? Ow, okay, maybe it was a bad move, her neck hurts from tilting so far. Guess that’s a drawback of wearing high heels.

Roxy bounces back upright, grabs John’s hand, and skips into the cafe with him. Or, rather, tries to skip, but quickly gets reminded of _another_ limitation of heels and has to lean on John to avoid falling flat on her ass. It’s a little embarrassing, but she recovers quickly and he scarcely seems to notice.

The two of them sit down at a table just inside the curved window. Three identical waiters quickly furnish them with water, tea, a bowl of breadsticks, and some tiny cheesecakes. 

Roxy claps and gives John a big smile. He smiles back, but seems... tense, conflicted about something, like he doesn’t quite know what to say.

JOHN: you look really nice tonight, roxy.  
ROXY: awww thanks john!  
ROXY: u clean up nicely urself! rly know how to rock a tux  
JOHN: haha, this thing?  
JOHN: i’m not sure how much credit i can take for it, really. i just kind of found it in the closet and threw it on.  
JOHN: it’s been a while since i last wore it. now that i think about it, the last time might have been at rose and kanaya’s wedding?  
JOHN: god, that feels so long ago now.  
ROXY: ikr?  
JOHN: anyway, i’m glad you like it. even though it’s wrinkly, and i think there’s still a stain from the condiment fight.  
ROXY: haha srsly don’t worry!  
ROXY: with a mug this cute you pull it off easy

Wiping the corner of your partner’s mouth with a napkin is supposed to be a cute thing couples do at restaurants, so Roxy leans forward and does that. She means it to ease the tension, but John just looks confused.

Roxy remembers, too late, that the point of such a gesture is to clean food off of the other person’s face, so it’s probably super weird that she’s doing it now. She awkwardly sets the napkin back in her lap. Not the smoothest start to this date, but it’s fine! It’s all fine.

JOHN: what do you think we should order?  
ROXY: hmmmmmMMM  
ROXY: last time i was here i loved the SHIT out of their buff bourginion  
ROXY: boeuf borgwignen?  
ROXY: boof borgonion?  
ROXY: oh fuck it for someone with a frenchy surname i sure dont know french lmao  
ROXY: bscly its meat + veggies + yum  
JOHN: that does sound tasty!  
JOHN: i don’t know if i want meat right now, though. maybe something sweeter?  
JOHN: well, they did give us the cheese cake, so maybe that will take the edge off.  
JOHN: cheese cake as a starting course. who even does that?  
ROXY: f’n geniuses is who!  
ROXY: lifes too short to eat dessert last  
JOHN: haha, even though we’re probably immortal?  
ROXY: especially cuz of that!  
ROXY: no reason why we cant just treat ourselves to some sugary sweetness till time ends  
ROXY: were done with the heavy stuff and we can just enjoy life forever!

John gives her another reserved grin, then goes back to perusing the menu. A few moments pass before he speaks up again.  


JOHN: um, hey roxy...  
ROXY: wats up  
JOHN: gamzee. he’s staring at us, and it’s kind of creeping me out.  


Hm. So he is. Roxy was a little unnerved at first by Gamzee’s constant habit of watching from the sidelines, but she got used to it soon enough. It’s not _that_ bad of a thing to put up with.  


ROXY: oh  
ROXY: yea dont worry about that he gets stuck like that sometimes  
JOHN: stuck?  
ROXY: all wonked out and shit  
ROXY: i think hes got brain damage from being a burnout its so sad  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: is it?  


Roxy sips her tea while she remembers what Calliope always says. Gamzee was pressured by society into being who he was, he’s not entirely responsible for his actions as a child, and he’s a better person now anyway so it doesn’t matter! It’s just like what Kanaya says about Vriska, minus the good things Vriska did.  


ROXY: yeah john its totes sad  
ROXY: he never had a chance with the kinda life he had  
ROXY: wat a tragic misunderstood figure :’(  


Roxy gives a melodramatic sigh out of sympathy for Gamzee’s lamentable plight, but tries to add a hint of sultriness at the end as she forks the cherry on her cheesecake. Enough talking about other people’s tragic backstories, it’s time to get this date on the road!

Keeping eye contact with her date while smiling seductively, Roxy _pops_ the cherry into her mouth and swirls it around just a little. For the first time tonight, she thinks her mannerism to get in the mood comes off organically, so hopefully they can pivot to—

—oh, hold that thought. The slow, heavy thumping behind her signals that Gamzee’s decided to waltz in and intrude on their conversation. When she sees his shadow fall across the table and feels his hands on her chair, Roxy very consciously avoids turning her head, and simply feeds him a bit of cheesecake over her shoulder.  


GAMZEE: HeY rOxItA.  
ROXY: hey gamz whats shakin  
GAMZEE: CaLlIE wEnT aLl RuNnInG oFf, UgH.  


Ah, crap. Roxy hadn’t thought ahead far enough to consider what Callie would do during the date. Did she hurt her feelings?  


ROXY: aww  
ROXY: hope shes feelin alright  
GAMZEE: ShE’s MoThErFuCkIn FiNe, ShE sAiD sOmE nOiSe AbOuT cAuSe Of WhAt JoHn DiD, wE’rE aLl GoNnA bE oNe HaPpY fAmIlY oF fUcKiN nInJaS fOr MoThErFuCkIn EvEr. :o)  
JOHN: what?  


Yeah, even though Roxy said the same thing a few minutes ago, it doesn’t feel right to hear out of Gamzee’s mouth. Callie probably feels lonely, or forgotten, and Gamzee must have totally misread her, and he doesn’t know a damn thing and he smells like a decaying skunk and—

...no. Gamzee’s _good._ She has to _remember_ that.  


ROXY: heheheh  
ROXY: gamzee ur one silly dude  
ROXY: tbh pretty psyched to see you goin through all this redemption shit  
ROXY: i bet you gonna make a baller part of our greater ensemble if ur given the chance  


Gamzee gives only a vaguely honk-like sound in the way of response. John’s clearly not sold on the idea, since he’s grimacing deeply and making cutting gestures which are a lot less subtle than he thinks, but Roxy pretends not to notice. All she can think about is how left out Callie must feel, and how John doesn’t seem happy right now at all, and how Gamzee’s leering over them but she really can’t tell him to leave, and how this evening has been so rocky already and she doesn’t know how to recover...

Oh, screw it. She can’t deal with all of this right now, she needs to clear her head.

Roxy pushes back from the table and bounces up with a mask of enthusiasm.  


ROXY: brb!  
ROXY: gonna hit the ladies room  
ROXY: back in a jiff suckers  
JOHN: um, alright.  


Roxy walks to the restroom as quickly as her fucking stilts will allow, keeping up a pleasant smile the entire way. Only once she’s locked the door behind her does she exhale: a long, harrowing sound that escapes from her lips like air from a balloon. She rests her forehead in her right hand and pinches her temples.

What the hell is wrong, she thinks. Why doesn’t this feel right? This was supposed to be her fairytale ending, why is she still as conflicted and tense as ever?

Heh. When she puts it like that, maybe it’s easy to see why. Has she been expecting too much? Sure, she’s going to live a _happy_ life from here on out, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be a perfect one. There’ll still be moments like this where things aren’t stellar.

Even so... this shouldn’t be one of those moments. She’s on a date with the boy she loves, in the fanciest restaurant in town, in the fanciest clothes in town! This should be perfect, or at least _good!_ Something’s wrong, something’s wrong...

Roxy takes another deep breath. Her existential crisis can wait. Right now, she needs to make sure Callie’s doing okay.

She fishes her phone out from her purse, dials Callie’s number, and waits.

_Riiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiiiiiiing..._

CALLIOPE: hello darling! yoU’ve reached calliope’s telephone. please leave a message and i’ll get back to yoU the minUte i’m able! ^u^

Roxy hangs up and frowns. It’s not like Callie to not answer her phone. In fact, she’s pretty sure she’s never heard that message before.

Maybe Callie just couldn’t get to the phone in time? Just in case, Roxy tries again.

_Riiiiiiiiiiing... Riiiiiii—_

CALLIOPE: hello darling! yoU’ve reached calliope’s telephone. please leave a messa--

Roxy hangs up again.

...Well. That answers that question.

_Why_ doesn’t Callie want to talk to her, though? Did she really screw something up that badly? Did... something bad happen?

Roxy debates for a moment, then sends Calliope a text message.

ROXY: callie, whats going on? whats wrong?

About a minute passes before she gets a reply.

CALLIOPE: nothing’s wrong at all, roxy! i’m jUst retUrning to oUr apartment.  
CALLIOPE: actUally, i might stop at the sUpermarket first. woUld yoU like anything?  
ROXY: are you SURE everythings ok?  
ROXY: i kno i kinda left u hanging outside the cafe and then you ran off and i felt bad  
CALLIOPE: yoU are kind to worry, bUt i promise, there’s no need!  
CALLIOPE: i simply thoUght yoU and john deserved some privacy.  
CALLIOPE: we can spend time together later, bUt for now, yoU shoUld give yoUr beloved yoUr fUll attention.  
CALLIOPE: he needs it more than i do at the moment, don’t yoU agree?  
ROXY: well, if ur rly okay...  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse i am! thank yoU anyway, thoUgh.  
CALLIOPE: now stop wasting yoUr time on me and pay attention to yoUr date! :U  
ROXY: hehe alright!

With a considerably improved mood, Roxy puts her phone away. There’s no reason to doubt Callie, and it’s good to have that worry assuaged.

Before she heads back, though, she figures it’s a good idea to make sure her makeup still looks okay. She grabs her kit from her purse, walks over to the mirror, and—

_oh god she looks like a fucking clown_

Fuck. Fuck! Heavy paint smeared across her lips. Giant polka dots on her cheeks. Eyelashes so long they could skewer an antelope and eyeliner that might as well have been drawn in thick Sharpie. She’s fucking hideous!

Roxy stifles a gasp. She put so much time into her makeup, how can she be so _ugly?_ What’s _wrong_ with her? How could she fuck this up so badly?!

Roxy leans on the rail to balance herself, then gazes down at the marble floor and takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

When she looks up at the mirror again... she looks fine.

Her lipstick is thin and luscious, and the shade she chose really complements the color of her eyes. Her blush is subtle, fading naturally into the surrounding skin and serving to highlight her facial structure. Her eyelashes are long and enticing, and her eyeliner is equally delicate.

She’s objectively beautiful. Gorgeous. She’s the ideal woman.

Roxy’s eyes begin to water. How many times is this going to happen before she _finally_ feels comfortable with herself? What will it take for her to accept, to get it into her _thick head_ , that this is who she is? 

She thought she was done with this shit! When she got together with John she felt feminine and good and right, and she put this “discomfort” behind her! She’s a woman, dammit! A sexy, sexy _woman!_

But no. Every time she sees her reflection, it’s still a flip of the damn coin whether she’ll like herself or loathe herself. She’s not any closer to being free than she ever was.

Well...

...she’ll just have to live with that, for now.  


Roxy lets her eyes water for a few more moments, then wipes them off with a tissue.  


She can feel bad all she wants, but all it’s done is smear her mascara and made her face harder to clean up, which means more time spent in the bathroom. If she ever wants to get back out there, she has to focus.  


She blows her nose, once, then gets to work.  


Foundation.  


Concealer.  


Mascara.  


Eyeliner.  


Lipstick, for good measure.  


A deep breath and a big smile.  


The routine sure takes a while, but once it’s done, she looks great. Even better than before. She doesn’t even feel that bad about it. Her reaction earlier was probably just overblown nerves, nothing to read too much into.  


Her labors completed, Roxy packs up her things, unlocks the door, and walks back into the restaurant. A toe-tapping middle-aged woman in a bright cyan dress gives her a glare before hurrying into the vacated restroom.  


Gamzee’s stepped back outside and is watching through the window, which is fine. John catches Roxy’s eye and tucks his phone away as she approaches. She slinks into her chair without even pulling it out, and he gives her a big cheesy grin that could light up a cavern. She can’t help but reciprocate.  


Maybe things will be okay after all.  


ROXY: sorry for takin so long had to reapply the face u kno how it is  
ROXY: actually u probably dont but let me tell u makeups a BITCH  
JOHN: roxy, you don’t have to do all that for me!  
JOHN: i’m basically a schlub these days. i don’t care if you wear makeup or not.  
JOHN: you... you’re pretty either way, you know that right?

Hehe. John may not have a clue what’s going on, but he’s so adorable that Roxy hardly minds.

ROXY: oh dont worry its not for you lol  
ROXY: but thats sweet as hell i appreciate the sentiment  
JOHN: oh. um, that’s cool. why do you need it, then?

Before she answers, Roxy hesitates a little. Should she broach this subject with John? Would he understand? Would it scare him away? She decides that she might as well go for it, since partners are supposed to be honest with each other.

ROXY: john...  
ROXY: do u ever think about like  
ROXY: gender???  
JOHN: ???  
JOHN: uh. not really, i guess?  
JOHN: but i don’t think girls should feel like they HAVE to wear makeup just because they’re girls.  


Rats. It makes sense that he wouldn’t understand right away, though. Should she explain things more? Could she, even if she wanted to?  


ROXY: lol  
ROXY: thats not what im getting at  
JOHN: what do you mean then?  
JOHN: are you, like...  
ROXY: like what  


Genderfluid? Trans? There’s a bunch of labels out there, but for some reason, none of them feel any more right than “cis” does. Part of her doesn’t even want to _have_ a label for whatever she’s feeling.  


JOHN: i don’t know. i don’t really know what we’re talking about.  
ROXY: lol idrk either i guess  


Roxy quietly deflates a little, but recovers quickly. She gave it a shot, at least, and it really shouldn’t be that important.  


ROXY: neway we dont gotta get super into it now this isnt really the setting  
ROXY: i dunno if u noticed but this place is way too fancy for me lmfao  
ROXY: i was all tryin to impress you with how im classy as fuk but now i feel like were gonna have to skip out on the check  
JOHN: even though we’ve got infinite money?  
ROXY: yea!!  
ROXY: just a feelin i get  
ROXY: like this fancy dress is a costume  
ROXY: like im just playacting at being a grown-up woman  
JOHN: yeah, i know that feeling. what even are adults?  


Well, it isn’t just the “grown-up” part she feels she’s playacting at, but again: not important. It’s better to focus on the things that are relatable and relevant.  


ROXY: good question!  
JOHN: when i was a kid i just thought adulthood was something that happened to you automatically, i think.  
JOHN: like the moment i turned eighteen a briefcase would appear in my hand and i’d have it all figured out, just like my dad seemed to.  
JOHN: i can’t believe i’m twenty-three and still a huge loser! i wonder if my dad ever thought that way about himself, like he was just some big dumb kid totally messing everything up but trying to keep up appearances anyway.

It hurts to hear John putting himself down like this. Roxy knows John doesn’t really have all his shit together, but she’s even less organized, and he’s the means by which she’s going to get all _her_ shit together, so she needs him to be happy with himself!

ROXY: dont say that about urself dummy!  
JOHN: so... i’m a dummy, but i shouldn’t call myself dumb?  
ROXY: omg you KNOW what i meant  
ROXY: hmm  


As a means of fidgeting, Roxy tries to make her water glass sound a note by running her finger along the rim, like Rose showed her how to do once. It doesn’t work and just sounds kind of squeaky, but she keeps trying anyway.  


ROXY: ya know i didnt even know any adults when i was a kid  
ROXY: so i got nothin except the legends of how my universes rose and dave died i guess  
ROXY: but thats not exactly a useful example in this situation  
JOHN: i dunno. i think sacrificing yourself to take down a brutal clown dictatorship is a pretty good life lesson to internalize in any situation.  
ROXY: lol yeah god forbid  
ROXY: but  
ROXY: i mean my idea of a date for the longest time was drinkin a whole bottle of wine alone while cryin in front of my laptop screen  
JOHN: oh same, actually. minus the wine, and the computer screen, ha ha.  
ROXY: just u and ur brain contemplating the infinite loneliness of singular consciousness in a vast cold universe  


That, uh, sure got real fast. Looks like they both have a fair number of isolation issues to deal with. But they can help each other heal together, right?  


JOHN: something like that.  
JOHN: so... i guess neither of us are very good at this, huh?  
ROXY: thats cool with me  
ROXY: zero expectations means we got nowhere to go but up  
JOHN: i’ll toast to that!  


John gives Roxy another dorky grin as he raises his glass. Roxy can’t help but laugh; he’s just so _cute!_ She clinks her glass against his, making their contents splash around.  


ROXY: oh john  
ROXY: why didnt we do this SOONER  
ROXY: i love spendin time with you  
ROXY: youuu knooooow  
ROXY: its weird to say but  
ROXY: no one else has ever made me feel like this  


It’s true. Roxy still can’t believe that John’s really interested in _her_ , of all people. She’s such a mess, and he’s so _good,_ so full of love and life. Every time they touch, she swears she could fly. Well, she _can_ fly, but he makes her feel like she can soar across space and feel stardust in her hair without doing a thing.

He’s so jittery and nervous, and his arm’s shaking so badly that his water’s making a mess, but somehow that only makes him look even cuter. Looking at him, with his sapphire eyes and raven hair, she feels like her heart could overflow and burst. He’s kind, and strong, and wonderful, and _hers._

She loves him. And she knows that he loves her.

She’s ready. It’s time. She’s going to ask him out for real now, and they’re going to kiss in the candlelight, and everything’s going to be—

Wait, is that Dave?  


ROXY: oh  
ROXY: wtf look behind you  


It _is_ Dave! Is he being chased by something? He’s bolting down the street like a maniac, stealing a glance into every window. When he sees Roxy and John, he goes stiff as a board, brushes himself down, wrestles his face back to neutral, and strides into the cafe. The entrance of yet another celebrity causes quite a stir among the other patrons, who briefly turn to stare at him before awkwardly turning back to their meals.  


DAVE: hey dude  
DAVE: and roxy  
DAVE: uh rather...  
DAVE: hey dudes  
DAVE: sorry to imply that dude wasnt a gender neutral term because it totally is  
DAVE: anyone can be a dude if they really want thats part of the beauty of living in this brand new world with none of the baggage our old world had like gender and sexuality and relationships only involving a very specific number of people  


Yeeeeep, Dave’s desperately trying to cover up a panic attack right now. Roxy knows the signs. She displayed them herself a few minutes ago.  


ROXY: dave u ok  
DAVE: yeah totally when am i not ok  
ROXY: p often actually  
DAVE: nah im fine theres absolutely nothing strange or awkward going on in my life at all  
DAVE: unrelated to anything i just said john i gotta talk to you for a sec  
JOHN: ok. go ahead!  
DAVE: no i mean like outside  
DAVE: in private  
DAVE: with no one else around

Hm. That’s unusual. Dave’s always said he feels like he can tell Roxy anything, so what’s going on now that makes it different? It’s probably a romance thing, but he’s awfully worked up even for that.  


ROXY: u SURE youre ok??  
DAVE: yeah mom im fine  
DAVE: sorry that was me being sarcastic about how youre all worried over me when im just ice fucking cold levels of cool at the moment  
DAVE: not referencing that youre my literal mom which i know is all kinds of awkward every single time i do it  
DAVE: which is a lot i guess  
ROXY: lmao i dont think its awkward at all  
DAVE: oh cool  
DAVE: me neither  
DAVE: mom

She’s telling the truth about not thinking it’s awkward! It’s cute. Dave’s really a lovable dweeb at heart, and calling her “mom” is just an expression of that dweebiness. Oddly, she doesn’t even really think of the term as a gendered thing, at least not when Dave uses it; it’s just a testament to the improbable bond they share.

JOHN: um, roxy’s right. you seem kind of off right now.  
DAVE: nah i just had a sudden need for a bro down  
DAVE: just an unquenchable thirst to be showered in a flashstorm of righteous bro juice  
JOHN: yikes.  
DAVE: gotta guzzle the shit out of it like gatorade after a sports match  
DAVE: help me out here my brolectrolytes are low  
JOHN: ...  
DAVE: john just come on its important  
JOHN: yeah, sure.... roxy, are you fine waiting here by yourself for a while?  


Roxy sighs internally. She really just can’t catch a break! Oh well, the moment’s gone anyway, and Dave does need a little help. Or maybe a lot of help.  


ROXY: yea ill just be here eatin breadsticks since we didnt actually order dinner  
JOHN: cool! i’ll be right back!  


John and Dave leave the restaurant, ignoring a leering Gamzee. After a few seconds, Gamzee waltzes off in the opposite direction, leaving Roxy alone at the table.

Roxy thinks about texting Calliope again, but decides against it. Callie clearly wants the date to go well, and Roxy doesn’t want to make her worry. Instead, she just pulls out a pair of earbuds, turns on some chiptunes, closes her eyes, and zones the fuck out.

...

When she opens her eyes again, a burly waiter is glaring down at her from behind narrow spectacles and thick eyebrows. Saying nothing, he grimly taps the menu, then taps the spot on his wrist where a watch would be.

Roxy gets the message. She smiles apologetically, picks up the bowl of breadsticks, and walks out the door, followed by the waiter’s glare the whole way.

The sun has well and truly set by now. There’s little light pollution in this city, so the stars are out in force, filling the sky overhead with fields and rivers of light.

Roxy looks around for John and Dave. When she doesn’t see them, she starts calling out.

ROXY: jooooooooooohn  
ROXY: jooooohn babe where aaaaaaaaaaare you  
ROXY: john john john john john john john john john john john!!!

John peeks off the edge of a nearby roof and waves at her. Heh, what are he and Dave doing all the way up there?  


JOHN: what’s up?  
ROXY: yo boys not to interrupt but we got kicked outta the restaurant for not ordering  
JOHN: what? really?  
JOHN: what’s even the point of being famous if that can happen?  
ROXY: lmao i know right  
ROXY: told u i wasnt classy enough for the joint  
ROXY: i got all these breadsticks tho so we can reconvene in the park  
ROXY: totes romantic  
ROXY: ten minutes, what u say  
JOHN: uh, sounds good! i’ll see you there soon!  


She beams at him, and his dazed grin in response makes her heart flutter.

Walking down the road toward the park, she smiles to herself. The night’s far from over! Things may not have been ideal at the cafe, but nobody’ll bother them in the park. It’ll just be them, some food, the starry sky, and their love. That’s all they need.

Nothing could ruin this night for her. The best is yet to come.  



	8. Epilogue Two, Part Three

ROXY: that constellation looks like a kitty!  
JOHN: a kitty?  
ROXY: yea totally! see the little loops of stars, those are its ears!  
ROXY: its nose is that bright star over... _there_

Roxy guides John’s outstretched arm to point at a corner of the sky, letting out a breathy laugh to feel the goosebumps on his wrist. The breeze is cool tonight, and the hill they’re lying on is just slightly wet with dew, but John is warm. He’s always so warm.

ROXY: see theres even a few stars which are kinda like whiskers!  
ROXY: then these ones (doop, doop,) r the eyes  
ROXY: aaaaaand it kinda falls apart when we get to the mouth but trust me its at least the TOP part of a meowbeast lmao  
JOHN: maybe it’s like hello kitty, where the mouth is left out for the japanese kawaiis!  
JOHN: wait, hello kitty is japanese, right?  
JOHN: i don’t know. i never played with the toys as a kid.  
JOHN: not that i thought they were lame or anything, they were actually kind of cute, i just had other interests i guess, and they mostly involved movies. though maybe there’s a hello kitty movie i didn’t know about, which might make sense, and...

Roxy giggles as John’s rambling trails off. Even though John's known her for ages, she’s still a pretty girl, and he has absolutely no idea how to talk to pretty girls. It’s endearing.

The knoll is angled at about thirty degrees. Two maple trees stand at its summit with a fledgeling rose bush between them. The only sound, aside from the couple’s conversation and quiet breathing, is the faint chirp of cicadas in the bushes down the hill, past a small expanse of grass. There’s not another soul to be seen.

JOHN: anyway! uh!  
JOHN: do you see the bunny over there?  
ROXY: over where?? show me!

She turns her head toward him and winks as she stretches her own arm out. John flushes a little, but grabs her wrist and points her hand toward another impromptu constellation. His grip is firm, yet gentle.

JOHN: see, this little star cluster!  
JOHN: it doesn’t really have a face, it’s mostly just an outline...  
JOHN: but it’s got long flopsy ears and chubby little arms, and it’s a bunny!  
JOHN: just like the one cameron poe gave to dear, sweet casey.  
ROXY: ohh like in that one movie u like? wats it called again...  
JOHN: roxy, you’re killing me!  
ROXY: hehehe i know im just messing with u babe  
ROXY: honestly i enjoyed it more than i expected to  
ROXY: gotta say tho i was a bit surprised when some nerd in a blue windsock poofed into the background behind john malkawhozit  
JOHN: haha!  
JOHN: yeah, watching that movie has always been different ever since i retconned myself into it by accident.  
JOHN: i thought it was a one time thing, but it looks like i’ve always been in that one scene?  
JOHN: which is awesome! i’ve always wanted to be in a nic cage movie. the man is basically my hero.  
JOHN: and i thought i lost my chance forever when earth was destroyed, and he probably died.  
JOHN: but then through some bullshit, i got my chance!  
JOHN: truly the greatest part of my adventures.  
ROXY: *clears throat*  
JOHN: okay, second greatest. :p  
ROXY: haha i believe it!  
ROXY: im happy for u john  
ROXY: just goes to show that even when u think theyre impossible  
ROXY: sometimes dreams come true

Roxy smiles, frees her wrist, and takes John’s hand. He smiles back.

A few moments pass in quiet contemplation. Somewhere in the distance, an owl hoots.

ROXY: do ya see this one?  
JOHN: hm?

Roxy folds John’s hand to point at the sky. Without really following any stars, she uses his finger to draw a heart on the celestial dome. John is confused for a second, then turns bright red as a dazed grin appears on his face.

ROXY: wats up john?  
ROXY: u look positively STARstruck  
JOHN: oh, boooo!  
ROXY: hehehe  
ROXY: normally i dont go for puns but that was just too hard to resist  
JOHN: it was good, though!  
ROXY: it rly wasnt but ur sweet  
JOHN: hehe.

Gradually, John sits up, breaking their hand-hold. Roxy follows after him and meets his eyes.

JOHN: you know...  
JOHN: it might be cliche to say, but there’s a part of me that can hardly believe you’re real?  
JOHN: like, all THIS...

John gesticulates in a manner that suggests waving away a swarm of giant flies.

JOHN: it all feels too perfect.  
JOHN: like i’m dreaming, and if i stop paying attention, i’ll wake up, and it’ll all be gone.  
JOHN: and you’ll be gone.  
ROXY: im not going anywhere!  
JOHN: i know! it’s just...  
JOHN: i can’t believe a girl like you would notice me.  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: hahahahaha!  
JOHN: what!  
ROXY: i cant believe a guy like u would notice ME!  
ROXY: like, what did i do to deserve you?  
ROXY: im just some loser who plays vidya games and hangs out with chess guys lol  
JOHN: hey! no! you’re not a loser!  
JOHN: you’re smart, and you’re brave, and you’re funny, and...  
JOHN: and you shouldn’t say bad things about yourself!  
JOHN: you’re talking about someone important to me there.

Roxy laughs. Somehow, John always knows how to say the right thing.

ROXY: yeah alright  
ROXY: i guess i am pretty great huh?  
JOHN: absolutely!  
ROXY: hehehe  
ROXY: ur not so bad urself either, mister :)  
JOHN: aww, thanks!  
JOHN: man, you were right. we SHOULD have done this sooner.  
JOHN: just think of all the adventures we could have had!  
ROXY: we can still have them!  
ROXY: not like either of us is short on time  
ROXY: not like anyones gonna tells us no, either!  
ROXY: its a new earth, new rules, new life, we can do whatever we want  
ROXY: with whoever we want

John smiles warmly as he looks Roxy in the eyes.

JOHN: with whoever we want.

The two of them face downhill and stare at the stars once more.

Roxy can’t say who moves first, but each of them slowly wraps an arm around the other: his around her shoulders, hers around his waist. She leans her head on his shoulder, and it feels natural, comfortable, as though the shape of the human body had evolved specifically so that these two people could fit so perfectly in this moment.

Roxy shifts a little and kisses John on the cheek, causing him to flush again and stammer for words. She giggles, enjoying the look on his face, before her gaze is brought to the base of the hill.

ROXY: omg look at that!  
JOHN: what is it?  
ROXY: a buncha twinkly friends!

In the plot of grass below the knoll, some fireflies are lazily drifting back and forth in a thin cloud of lights. Roxy bounces up and offers her hand to John.

ROXY: cmon!!!

John grins as he’s pulled to his feet. Roxy kicks off her high heels and drags him down the hillside, both of them laughing all the way.

When they reach the base, Roxy cups her hands and tries to catch a firefly. It floats just out of her grasp, so she tries again with another one, still to no avail. John joins in and manages to catch one for a few seconds, then lets it float away. 

Roxy giggles as she jumps to catch another bug. John spreads his arms, and a gust of wind spins all the fireflies in a gentle vortex around them. Roxy laughs and twirls in the grass, watching the little lights flicker on and off as they fly past her, eyes wide at this simple wonder of nature.

ROXY: theyre so sparkly!  
ROXY: ok that sounded kinda dumb but its still tru!  
JOHN: no, it’s not dumb! it’s great!  
ROXY: hahaha!  
JOHN: hahaha!

John’s spinning now, too, and he takes both her hands. The two of them orbit one another in the eye of the sparkling breeze. They dance in the grass to the rhythm of their own hearts and the melody of the night. They’re both laughing, lost in this moment, glad to be together.

JOHN: hahahaha!  
ROXY: hahahaha!!  
JOHN: hahahaha-oomph!  
ROXY: waugh!

John’s ankle collides with Roxy’s, and the two go tumbling to the ground. Roxy lands on her tailbone and falls supine onto the grass. John manages to catch himself, arms outstretched, hands on either side of Roxy’s head.

JOHN: roxy holy shit i’m sorry! did i hurt you???  
ROXY: no no no im fine! are YOU hurt?  
JOHN: *pant... pant...* no, i’m alright.  
ROXY: good

There’s a pause, as if a clock’s forgotten to tick. Roxy suddenly realizes how close their heads are, and how only a few inches separate their bodies. She can feel John’s warm, damp breath on her face.

John’s eyes go wide, and his gaze flickers nervously between his hands.

JOHN: i’m sorry, this is probably awkward, i’ll get off you and--  
ROXY: no wait  
ROXY: its fine

As John shifts to get up, Roxy wraps an arm around his waist to keep him in place, before letting it drop back down to her side. A brief moment of worry hits her, a thought that maybe she’s forcing John to go faster than he wants, but it’s assuaged when his next words are asked in a tone that’s nervous but also... playful.

JOHN: ...it’s fine?

Roxy gives a small, reassuring smile.

ROXY: its fine.

She hopes he knows what she means.

John’s breathing slows, and he lowers himself a little closer to her: not much, no more than two centimeters, but enough to make her shiver. He closes his eyes, then opens them again. His brows are thick, his lashes are long, and his eyes are blue, blue, deep as the ocean, a vast expanse of wonder and peace.

His lips are parted, with one corner turned up ever so slightly.

Still, he hesitates. Is he afraid? Is he unsure if she wants this, or if she wants _him?_ Because she’s never wanted anything more.

ROXY: what are you waiting for, john?

John takes one more breath, slow and deep, then leans down and kisses her.

It's a short kiss, just a quick peck on the lips, but when he pulls back up, he’s holding his breath and his eyes are wide. Roxy meets those eyes, just as entranced. Her lips tingle from the sensation. Her brain does, too.

He kisses her again, longer this time. Their noses bump into each other awkwardly, and John’s glasses kind of get in the way, but Roxy hardly notices. She’s swept up in the sensation of just _being_ with him, of being her dream boy’s dream girl, of giving into a love that was always meant to be.

When he releases their lip lock again, he gazes at her wondrously for a few seconds, then starts laughing. A big goofy smile splits his face, showing off his cute little buck teeth and making the corners of his eyes wrinkle. Roxy starts laughing, too.

Tears form at the periphery of her vision. She can see the same thing happen to John. In an instant, any remaining barriers between them crumble, like a sand castle in a tidal wave.

John kisses Roxy a third time, and this time he doesn’t pull up. They wrap their arms around each other and squeeze tightly, chests touching, hearts pounding. Their tongues meet as they laugh against each other’s lips. They roll in the grass together until they’re dizzy.

This is where Roxy belongs. This is where she’s always belonged.

She melts into John, and he melts into her, and the person they become together is happy, and loving, and more than anything, _alive._

After some time, they separate, panting, breathless, damp with sweat and dew.

JOHN: wow.  
JOHN: that was...  
ROXY: yeah  
ROXY: wow

They kiss again.

\---

The next morning, Roxy is rudely awakened by her phone.

It’s the ringtone she uses for Dave. Still groggy from a deep and restful sleep, Roxy considers just letting the call go to voicemail, but eventually rolls over and answers it.

ROXY: hey dave wats--  
DAVE: ROXY ARE YOU THERE  
DAVE: CAN YOU HEAR ME ROXY  
ROXY: whoa whoa im here!!! wats going on?  
DAVE: its  
DAVE: its dirk  
DAVE: im at his apartment and he left a note and hes going to  
DAVE: HES GOING TO  
ROXY: hes going to WHAT???  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: PLEASE  
DAVE: GET TO THE BELL TOWER  
ROXY: dave what the FUCK is going--  
DAVE: NOW! FUCKING NOW!!!!!  



	9. Epilogue Three, Part One

Still barefoot and in loose purple pajamas, Roxy shoots through the early morning sky. The wind roars in her ears like she’s under a waterfall.

This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening! It’s a dream. It’s a sick joke. It’s a prank call mimicking Dave’s voice. It’s the leadup to a surprise party. It’s an alternate timeline which she can see because she’s actually a Light player or some shit!

It’s anything, _anything,_ other than what she already knows it is.

Dirk’s been recalcitrant throughout the past year, but about a month ago he just went full ghost. He left everyone’s texts on read, he no-showed his events with Jake, he cancelled Jane’s presidential run... he’d had episodes like these before, of course, but nothing quite so protracted. Though Roxy didn’t think about him much lately because there was so much else on her mind, she’d been starting to get worried. She’d been wondering for a while if she should pay him a check-up visit.

But she didn’t, and that might have been the biggest mistake of her life, because Dave called her shouting and panicking, and he couldn’t stammer out what it was about but it was serious and she knew that Dirk was going to...

The bell tower is only a few minutes’ flight away from her apartment. They’re the longest minutes of Roxy’s life.

Finally, she gets close enough to see the hill around the tower. Was she fast enough? Did she beat Dirk here? Maybe she still has time to—

Roxy abruptly stops flying, and all sound vanishes from the world.

Oh, god. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

A long noose dangles from one face of the tower. In it rests a severed head with pointy black shades. Down below, a crumpled, headless body is splayed out the hill. The grass is stained with splotches of red.

Roxy’s hands fly to her mouth as her face contorts into a mask of shock. Her core clenches and she tastes warm bile in her throat. Her eyelids squeeze shut, then come apart damp and itchy. Her sharp nails dig into her face, but she scarcely registers the pain.

The sound that erupts from her throat is more gurgle than scream, like she’s drowning in heavy black ink.

With dread, Roxy floats down to examine the corpse. She lands closest to Dirk’s feet so that she won’t have a direct view of the meaty gore stump that was his neck.

It’s nearly too horrible to look at, much less describe, but Roxy can’t look away. Just a minute ago Dirk had been a living, breathing person. A person with a _soul,_ who found that soul tested again and again but always found strength to carry on. A person overflowing with love for his friends, even if he couldn’t always express it. Now... the thing lying on the ground is a twisted husk. Full of flesh, empty of spirit. Crumpled up like a piece of garbage.

The clumps of red grass are still wet and dripping.

There’s a sound behind Roxy like rusty gears grinding together, and she whips around to see Dave rushing out of a flash of red.

DAVE: DID I MAKE IT HERE IN  
DAVE: time  
DAVE: before  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: no no no no SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

Dave clenches his teeth, drops into a sort of squatting posture, and starts pulling his hair like he’s trying to yank it out of his head.

DAVE: SHIT!

He rushes forward to Roxy’s side to get a clearer view. Every muscle in his body goes tense as he stares at it while panting with exhaustion.

Dave screams. It’s a raw, hoarse sound, loud as a jet engine, desperate, incoherent. Though he seldom raises his voice above a mumble, in this moment Dave finds the air to draw his resounding roar out for some time.

ROXY: this doesnt make sense  
ROXY: why would he...  
ROXY: this cant be happening!!! this isnt right!!!

It’s not just because Dirk wouldn’t do this. It’s... is _this_ what happily ever after looks like? How the hell is this supposed to fit into everyone’s promised fairytale ending? Dirk was _everything_ to Roxy once, and he still meant so much, and now he’s gone, he’s gone, and it’s terrible and nothing’s good at all...

Dave finally runs out of breath, then puts his head in his hands.

DAVE: im a fucking idiot  
DAVE: i have fucking TIME TRAVEL POWERS  
DAVE: why didnt i just go back to yesterday and camp out on the tower and wait for him to show up  
DAVE: why did i only show up now  
DAVE: when its too late  
DAVE: its too late and hes already dead and  
DAVE: i failed him  
ROXY: cant u still go back anyway???  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: well i mean i COULD  
DAVE: but his death already happened and i cant change that anymore  
DAVE: so either some destiny hijinks prevent me from interfering or i make a doomed timeline and everyone dies anyway  
DAVE: well not exactly a doomed timeline thats a sburb thing but  
DAVE: just trust me  
DAVE: its time stuff i know this shit  
DAVE: i had my chance and i blew it and i can never try again  
DAVE: im a fucking failure

Neither Dave nor Roxy has taken their eyes off the corpse. Dave has started sobbing.

ROXY: no no no no dont say that  
ROXY: theres gotta be a way to fix this!  
ROXY: lets! get janey in here! she can do the lifey thing and we can forget this ever happened!  
DAVE: wont work  
DAVE: jane already rezzed him once in the medium and she cant do it again  
DAVE: and everyone else doesnt have healing powers and definitely cant raise the dead  
DAVE: and since we cant undo fixed events then  
DAVE: wait

Dave suddenly turns to face Roxy and grabs her shoulders.

DAVE: john  
DAVE: john can fix this  
DAVE: hes got retcon zappy bullshit he can stop dirk from dying in the first place  
DAVE: hes done it before with vriska and by proxy everyone else  
DAVE: so that means  
DAVE: he can  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: why are you shaking your head  
DAVE: what are you saying  
ROXY: he cant  
ROXY: not anymore  
ROXY: john lost his retcon powers  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: how  
DAVE: when  
DAVE: why now and how do you know

Roxy takes a few deep breaths. Tears are starting to form in her eyes, too. She wonders for a moment how much it’s safe to tell Dave, since Rose told her to keep things secret or the “plan” would be jeopardized, but... right now, she doesn’t care. “Happily ever after” was just shot to hell. The forest is already on fire; throwing on a handful of dry twigs won’t make it burn any faster.

ROXY: john decided not to fight callies bro a few weeks ago  
ROXY: apparently that “needed to happen” for “the story” or whatevs so when he gave that up he gave up his powers too  
ROXY: i think  
ROXY: tbh i dunno this is a rose thing  
ROXY: but she said i wasnt supposed to tell anyone so keep it on the down low  
DAVE: figures  
DAVE: it fucking figures  
DAVE: the shittiest possible thing happens and the only person that could fix it accidentally stops being able to fix it literally right before  
DAVE: wait was it an accident  
DAVE: does he know he cant zap  
ROXY: uhhhhhh

John probably isn’t supposed to know either, is he? Giving up canonicity means that he’s given up the possibility of changing canon. If he tries to go back, even if he’s doomed to failure, then it means he’ll _un_ -give up his “cosmic duty” a little, which will prevent him from being with her, and she needs...

...Is Roxy really thinking about boys _now?_ What the fuck! She silently berates herself. Even so, though, she suddenly feels nervous about spilling this information to Dave, so it’s probably best to avoid letting it spread further.

ROXY: no he doesnt  
ROXY: but apparently he isnt supposed to even try  
ROXY: or something??? like i said i dunno how it works  
ROXY: but he cant retcon and he cant know he cant retcon  
ROXY: dead end x2 combo  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: i shouldnt be surprised  
DAVE: dirk probably knew it the motherfucker  
DAVE: he saw no one could stop him from offing himself anymore and was like welp time to die  
DAVE: hes probably been itching for this chance for years

Dave’s turned back to face the body and he’s started seething through his teeth. Roxy’s feeling of desperation reaches a new crescendo.

ROXY: there has to be a way!  
ROXY: maybe uhhh  
ROXY: jakes brain ghost! he told me that he used to be able to dream up an image of dirk!  
DAVE: he could never do that for more than a few minutes and it was never the real dirk  
DAVE: just whatever jake thought he was like plus none of the rest of us could see it  
DAVE: and anyway brain ghosts are fake as shit  
ROXY: ok ok FINE but...  
ROXY: if not brain ghosts then what abt REGULAR ghosts!  
ROXY: wont he be out there in the dream bubbles or some shit? is that how that worked? we just gotta find him!  
DAVE: lord english destroyed all the dream bubbles years ago  
DAVE: theres no afterlife anymore or at least not one we can visit  
DAVE: once death comes thats it were done game over  
ROXY: but... what about...  
ROXY: i dunno! we can still think of something!  
ROXY: do u have any ideas???

Dave raises his right index finger.

DAVE: one  
DAVE: i hate it and youll hate it even more  
DAVE: but it would work  
ROXY: what is it?!

With a meaningful look at Roxy, Dave pinches his digit between the thumb and index finger of his opposite hand, then slides those fingers off it.

The remaining color drains out of Roxy’s face.

ROXY: no  
ROXY: no  
ROXY: under no circumstances  
DAVE: i know  
DAVE: even if we wanted to sacrifice our friendly neighborhood chibi skeletor dirk would probably just slide it off the second our backs were turned and wed be down two friends instead of one  
DAVE: not that it matters because she wouldnt let us anyway  
ROXY: no trust me dave she WOULD let us  
ROXY: that would only make it worse :(

The two of them fall silent for a moment, staring at their fallen friend.

ROXY: if theres rly nothing we can do to bring him back  
ROXY: then maybe...  
ROXY: maybe somethin was going on with him that made it make sense??  
ROXY: u said he left a note right  
ROXY: do u have it with you? does it explain anything?  
DAVE: here take a look  
DAVE: dont expect too much though

Dave retrieves the note from his pocket. It’s crumpled into a ball, but when Roxy unfolds it, she sees it has deep crease lines in a rectangular pattern.

Dirk’s lengthy missive is written in orange pen, which is typical for Dirk, but with shaky penmanship, which is not. It has no coherent structure or flow. It flits between ideas like a bee sampling flowers. The more Roxy reads, the madder she gets.

ROXY: what the fuck is this shit  
ROXY: “find me at the bell tower that towers over our lives like a dark tower”??  
ROXY: he used the word ‘tower’ three times in one sentence and i dont even think it was on purpose!  
ROXY: and wtf is that quote unquote metaphor sposed to mean  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: oh FUCK this  
ROXY: “i guess you’d call it cowardice but i’m not prepared to go on like this”  
ROXY: do u know what hes doing there?  
DAVE: what is it  
ROXY: hes quoting sting!  
ROXY: thats a lyric from an edgy song from the 70s! dirk doesnt even LIKE the police!  
ROXY: and this phrase at the very end? repeated like ten times for some reason?  
ROXY: “seek light, brothers”?  
ROXY: what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?!  
ROXY: is it supposed to be profound? some zen koan stuff junk?  
ROXY: i might think it was like a clue or something if the rest of the letter wasnt complete nonsense!  
DAVE: its not a clue  
DAVE: or a puzzle or a game or any shit that he would pull  
DAVE: it doesnt mean anything  
DAVE: he just straight up couldnt be assed to explain himself  
DAVE: turns out we didnt matter to him after all  
DAVE: or maybe we did and this is his way of punishing us  
DAVE: because we let him down  
DAVE: i let him down  
ROXY: u didnt let down anybody dave  
ROXY: its HIM  
ROXY: he abandoned us! no warning no buildup just POOF gone!  
ROXY: how could he do this to us?!  
ROXY: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?!?!

Roxy screams this last sentence at Dirk’s head, which is still dangling from the noose high above.

Though she’s still confused and sad, now she’s mostly just _pissed._ Did Dirk not realize how his death would affect everyone who loved him, or did he just not care? It’s unacceptable! It’s unforgivable! _He made Dave cry!_ And he’ll never even know about it because he had this wonderful immortal life ahead of him and he cut it off after only twenty-three fucking years!

Dave glares at the body, and Roxy glares at the head, and the two of them stay like that for a little while, stewing in their own frustration and helplessness.

Eventually, the anger leaches out of them, replaced by sheer despair.

DAVE: its my fault  
DAVE: dirk and i had this running joke where hed be in a mildly inconvenient situation and hed be like  
DAVE: “well this has gone completely pear shaped theres no other way out youll have to decapitate me”  
DAVE: usually like that word for word  
DAVE: and id play along and laugh and pretend to do it  
DAVE: and he must have... let that get to his head  
DAVE: okay jesus christ i swear i didnt mean for that to be a pun that was fucking morbid  
DAVE: but its true  
DAVE: i treated him killing himself like a joke and it was a joke that just stopped being funny  
DAVE: and now were here  
DAVE: because of me  
ROXY: dave dont say that...  
ROXY: whatever dirks reasons were i promise u he didnt do this over something small like that  
ROXY: or at least... i hope not  
ROXY: and if he did then its his fault and not urs and he can fuck right off

There’s no emotion in Roxy’s voice as she curses Dirk out. She just feels hollow. Empty. Drained.

DAVE: its not just the dirkapitation jokes  
DAVE: i DID cut off his head once  
DAVE: during the fight against the two jacks that werent the dog one  
DAVE: he had them pinned and nodded his head like dude you gotta do it and i was like yeah sure and i did a triple slice  
DAVE: i killed him literally an hour after we first met  
DAVE: and if i hadnt done that jane could still revive him now  
DAVE: and he wouldnt have gotten the idea that he needed to lose his head  
DAVE: and hed be here  
DAVE: and hed smile  
DAVE: and wed go fight robots or have a rap battle or play shitty tony hawk games or or or or or

Dave’s blubbering now. Roxy opens her arms hesitantly, and Dave launches himself into them, crying into her shoulder like a child.

She should have intervened with Dirk a long time ago. They all should have. He was their friend, and if they’d stopped to think about him, they’d have realized he was in pain and needed help. And now it’s too late.

This is the world they live in now. A world of failure and defeat. A world without Dirk, forever.

The bell tower sounds the hour mockingly. Eight chimes. Eight swings of a clock whose final verdict will be forever unknown and would be incomprehensible anyway. Heroic. Just. Heroic. Just. Heroic. Just. Heroic...

Dave and Roxy hold each other for some time. No conversation is exchanged besides an occasional sob. Soon, even those cease.

The grass begins to dry.

Eventually, Dave pulls back from Roxy’s embrace. His mouth has reverted to its characteristic neutral line.

DAVE: i think i understand now  
ROXY: u do?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: well not UNDERSTAND understand but i sorta get it  
DAVE: ill never know why dirk killed himself like this  
DAVE: but he mustve had reasons and they mustve been personal  
DAVE: maybe even  
DAVE: good  
DAVE: or at least reasons he thought were good  
DAVE: and he didnt want to share them or seek help and i gotta respect that  
DAVE: so even if i could stop him  
DAVE: even if i could go back in time and hug him until he realized life was worth living  
DAVE: i wouldnt  
DAVE: he deserves to make his own choices  
DAVE: deserved to make his own choices  
DAVE: and i have to respect that  
ROXY: ...

Roxy knows he’s just saying this. It isn’t true. If an opportunity arose to save Dirk, they’d both take it in the blink of an eye, and they both know it. But... right now, in the absence of anything they can do, truth isn’t the most important thing. If Dave needs to tell himself he wouldn’t interfere, it’s a price worth paying.

ROXY: i know  
ROXY: maybe youre right

All is silent for a while as the two of them stare at the ground. There is no breeze.

DAVE: well  
DAVE: ill just  
DAVE: go tell the others i guess  
DAVE: they should hear about it in person not over text  
DAVE: or god forbid news broadcast that would suck  
ROXY: good idea  
ROXY: ill clean... all of this up  
ROXY: i can probably use some voidy powers to make the blood go away  
ROXY: or at least to summon a mop  
ROXY: and then...  
ROXY: we should def have a funeral for him  
ROXY: pay our last respects and all that jazz  
ROXY: ill set it up  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: thanks for coming  
DAVE: thanks for trying  
DAVE: see you later

There’s another red flash, and Dave is gone.

Roxy turns back to the body.

ROXY: well dirk  
ROXY: looks like its just u and me now  
ROXY: i got a lotta stuff to say but i cant say all of it right now  
ROXY: least of all when im talking to a corpse like a fuckin weirdo lmao  
ROXY: but were gonna have a funeral for u and ill prolly b more eloquent then  
ROXY: were gonna get everyone together  
ROXY: like how it was before  
ROXY: and were gonna renew our friendships and stick together forever  
ROXY: its what you would have wanted  
ROXY: right?

No reply.

Roxy sighs, then starts to clean up the grass.

It takes a very long time.  



	10. Epilogue Three, Part Two

The Cathedral of Saint Leijon is an imposing structure. It towers over the nearby buildings and takes up an entire city block by itself. The gothic exterior features spires as dense and thorny as a porcupine’s backside. Gargoyles with shocked expressions and too many limbs adorn the parapets in a variety of anatomically improbable poses. The gigantic stained glass window above the doorway features the muscular green figure of a fully grown cherub, wings and all, but with four faces: human, troll, carapacian, and salamander. The sanctuary relies mostly on natural light from the windows, which are of absolutely no help in today’s thunderstorm; what meager light there is comes from the candles in the fancy chandeliers suspended high above.

All of Earth C’s greatest creators, leaders, and visionaries lie in state here. Today, Dirk Strider will take his place among them.

In tears, Roxy helps carry the heavy casket past the color guard at the entrance of the church. Her pale violet dress is soaked with rain. Her hair, which normally maintains its shape excellently, hangs straight and dripping in front of her face. She steps past the paparazzi, and in spite of everything, tries to maintain her poise in the face of their flashing cameras.

Reporters from every reputable journalistic outlet, and several unreputable ones, are clustered outside the procession. It’s a bit intrusive, perhaps, but Dirk was always most at home in the spotlight. Roxy had tried to ensure every part of this funeral brimmed with Dirk’s unique blend of ice-cold professionalism and shitposty irony, which is also why she had the casket stuffed with all those godawful swords he loved so much. She even tried to fashion the casket from the AC unit on Dirk’s old apartment, but when Jane found out she put her foot down and insisted on crafting it from California giant redwood. Which it was, because Jane is hard to say no to.

Roxy had found herself strangely in her element while she planned the funeral. Something about the process was... not easy, exactly, nor enjoyable except in some subtle perverse way, but fulfilling, satisfying. A funeral, she had thought, would provide some closure to this dark chapter of her story. Everything would be in place, behaving exactly the way it should, and some catharsis would emerge as a result. It would also herald a new and hopeful beginning, because for the first time in fuck knows how long, everyone was in one place again. Everyone was together.

The one thing Roxy couldn’t prepare was her speech. Every time she tried to sit down and wrangle her thoughts into something comprehensible, she ended up staring at a blank page for an hour or more. She eventually gave up and hoped the words would just flow naturally once she was up on the stage.

Dave is leading the procession, carrying Dirk’s head in a separate casket. Roxy had thought the idea was a little unsettling when Dave proposed it, especially considering what he’d told her about the alarmingly prominent role decapitation had played in their relationship, but decided not to push it. It fit into the whole serious-but-ironic theme anyway, didn’t it? No reason to object.

That same reason was why Roxy had accepted Gamzee as a pallbearer. His corner of the casket was intended for Calliope, but the cherub thought she’d be too small and weak to carry anything so weighty, and graciously volunteered Gamzee for the honor. The remaining five pallbearers are Roxy, Jake, Jane, Rose, and John. Roxy chose the first three because they’d all been Dirk’s closest and only friends growing up, Rose because she was Dirk’s biological daughter and had her own special connection with him, and John because... selfish though it may be, she needed him by her side on this day.

When the procession finally sets the casket down on the stage, Gamzee’s greasy shoes slip on the polished hardwood, and he loses his balance with some exaggerated flailing of arms. His corner falls down with such force that it dislodges an entire plank of the floor. This causes the rest of the floor under the now-unbalanced casket to bend and creak. The lid pops open and a few swords almost fall out.  


GAMZEE: OoOpS mOtHeRfUcKeRs.  
JOHN: oops???

Roxy’s upset too, but this is no time to fight. She’s used to defusing Gamzee-induced tense situations by now.

ROXY: its fine gamz  
ROXY: accidents happen  


John purses his lips, looks around a little, and takes a calming breath. He seems placated. He still isn’t totally on board with having Gamzee around, but the two of them have never actually fought, and as long as nobody’s fighting, everything is alright.

As Roxy goes to give her speech, John gives her a reassuring kiss on the cheek. She glances back at him with a sad smile. On any other day, such a gesture from the person she’s lucky enough to call boyfriend would have made her heart do a little flutter. Today, however, the drab gray cloud of grief enshrouds that heart too completely.

Roxy stands in front of the pulpit and faces the crowd.  


ROXY: um  
ROXY: hey thx everyone for joining me today  


She can barely see any of the gathered faces, due to both the melancholic lighting and the onslaught of flash photography. A bolt of lightning splits the sky, causing the many-faced cherub above the doors to be thrown into sharp color for the briefest of instances.

She searches for the words to say next, the ones she hoped would come to her naturally... and she comes up empty.

A few seconds pass. The reporters keep clicking away at their cameras, and when Roxy closes her eyes to think, a forest of greenish-blue afterimages burns brightly behind her eyelids.

What is there to say? Where can she begin? How can she honor Dirk’s memory in anything _close_ to a fitting way? Involuntarily, a huge sinus-clearing snort erupts from her nose. Roxy panics a little, because that wasn’t a feminine thing to do at all and she has to stay collected in front of all these cameras and what if they start to suspect she’s faking being a woman and is she bringing shame on Dirk and...

Roxy takes a deep breath. In... out.

She pulls a tissue from her dress, then lightly dabs it against her eyes. Dainty and feminine. There, nothing to worry about, she’s still normal. She’s not insulting this solemn event.

Not in that regard, at least. She still doesn’t know what speech she can possibly give. After a few more seconds... she admits defeat.  


ROXY: wow now that im up here its like  
ROXY: idk  
ROXY: i have no idea what to say  


The eureka moment that made everything make sense never arrived. It never does. She’s a silly girl who should know this by now.  


ROXY: and i guess thats cuz there IS nothing to say  
ROXY: theres no words to describe how i felt about dirk strider  


“Feelings that transcend the quadrants” has been a cliche in troll literature ever since the Sufferer’s story was rediscovered, but Roxy knows the truth of how some feelings can never be expressed with the constraints of language. What sentiment best approximates her emotions? Love? Hate? Regret? Anger? Gratitude? All of them, and all of their various recombinations, are too far off the mark. Dirk was a _verb,_ nigh-deific in the feelings he inspired, and trying to describe him would be like trying to fold a sheet of paper into a hypercube.  


ROXY: and even tho he left a note that had hella words in it  
ROXY: they might as well have been sayin nothing  
ROXY: which is just like dirk i guess  
ROXY: to leave us with a load of bullshit and no idea why he did what he did  


Despite herself, Roxy’s been over the note a few times. It didn’t make any more sense on the tenth readthrough than it did on the first.  


ROXY: so im just gonna say that  
ROXY: im glad that he was in my life  
ROXY: and give it over to someone whos way more eloquent than me  


Roxy leaves to take her seat next to John, gesturing for Dave to take the stage. He’s been even more quiet and reserved than usual since the two of them failed to save Dirk, but Roxy knows that he’ll have something prepared. For better and for worse, he never wanted to disappoint his brother.

Halfway through his walk, Dave stops, shakes a little, and almost loses his composure. The photographers pounce on the moment like lions on a mouse. John, ever-faithful, spins around to shoot them a silencing glare.

When Dave reaches the pulpit, he clears his throat twice before he finally begins.  


DAVE: hey guys  
DAVE: wanna apologize in advance cuz this is about to get a lil real  
DAVE: realer than that three quarters of a corpse im standing about two feet from right now...

Dave’s speech starts off in his usual jokey rambling style, the kind he falls back on when he’s nervous and doesn’t want to address the reality of a situation. Roxy briefly worries that he’s going to do that the entire time, but he acknowledges what he’s doing and segues into his fraught relationship with the version of Dirk who raised him. Dirk was always open about his struggle against his own darkness, and maybe this was the result of him thinking he could never win that struggle... but then again, perhaps not.  


DAVE: but i dont think hed want us beating ourselves up about it  
DAVE: or torturing ourselves trying to figure out what it fucking meant  
DAVE: esp jake jane and roxy  
DAVE: he loved you guys and wouldnt do anything to hurt you  
DAVE: well not intentionally i mean...

Notably absent from that list of names was Calliope. Dirk had been as close to her growing up as he was to the others, but in the last few years it seemed like he’d withdrawn more from her than he had from everyone else. Another mystery that’ll never be solved, Roxy thinks, as she listens to Dave talk about how it was good for him to be close to the real version of his bro.

DAVE: he let me give him shit for being a pretentious blowhard every day of his life  
DAVE: which i did  
DAVE: but despite that i  
DAVE: i looked up to him...  


This is the line which makes Roxy’s eyes start to tear up again. If Dirk had realized how much he meant to Dave... maybe they wouldn’t all be in this place today. Dirk thought Dave was everything he should be but wasn’t, but in spite of that he never spoke of Dave with any jealousy, just... pride, admiration, and pure, deep brotherly love.

Roxy can see why he felt that way. Up on the stage now, giving words to the thoughts Roxy couldn’t, Dave’s sensitive and vulnerable but also composed, courageous, and strong. His bro pushed toxic masculinity on him heavily, but Dave made masculinity his own, something healthy and nourishing which could be a source of strength. There are times when Roxy... really wants to be him.  


DAVE: its ok to not have all the answers  
DAVE: i wish dirk were still alive so i could tell him that  
DAVE: but hes not  
DAVE: so

Dave breathes deeply, and for the first time ever, takes off his aviators in public. He chokes up as he delivers the final line.

DAVE: i guess thats all i got to say about that  


Dave hangs his head and exits, his speech concluded.

The cathedral is silent but for the click-click-click of the cameras, Dave’s methodical footsteps, and the audience’s quiet sobs and sniffles. There’s not a dry eye in the house, except maybe those belonging to Jane, who’s done a remarkable job of keeping herself together today. 

It was a good speech. Powerful. Cathartic. The kind that brings closure, and the kind that allows the healing to begin. The kind Roxy was hoping for.

Roxy stands up and walks back to the podium.  


ROXY: anyone else have a eulogy theyd like to give  
ROXY: i think the best way we can honor dirks memory at this point  
ROXY: is to spew an untold number of words into the void  
ROXY: as many as we fuckin can  


Rose makes a move to rise, but unfortunately for her, Gamzee is seated closer to the podium and beats her there. Roxy is surprised; she didn’t think Gamzee knew Dirk at all, much less well enough to eulogize. But it’s not like she spends a lot of time with him, or indeed any more time than Calliope insists on, so there’s probably plenty of things she doesn’t know about him. Like how he avoids getting his perpetual stench labeled a military-grade chemical weapon and outlawed under the Geneva C Convention.  


GAMZEE: WhAt’S uP oN tHiS mOsT rIgHtEoUs AnD fRoWnY Of DaYs My BiTcHeS. :’o(  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD  
KARKAT: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY, GAMZEE.  
GAMZEE: HaHaHaHa YoU sTiLl GoT iT bRoThEr.  
GAMZEE: mY mOtHeRfUcKeR oF cOmEdY’s In ThA pRaYbLoCk! ThAt MiRtHfUl NoIsE yOu HoLlEr StIlL sLaPs My MaNg.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT A FUCKING JOKE.  


Gamzee proceeds to give a few theatrical introductions much like an MC at a rock concert, interspersed with occasional bursts of discouragement from Karkat. It doesn’t fit the mood Roxy hoped to achieve at this funeral at all, but... that’s probably okay, right? The casket is still ajar and slanted in the hole in the stage, so how bad is a little more Gamzeeification on top of that? Everything’s still fine.  


GAMZEE: In SuCh A sHoRt TiMe He TaUgHt Me So MuCh.  
GAMZEE: ThIs WaS nO cOiNcIdEnCe. It WaS a HiGhEr PoWeR gUiDiNg My PaTh.  
GAMZEE: tHeSe PoWeRs MaDe SuRe ThAt I wOuLd Be ThErE, tO rEcEiVe A gReAt WaRrIoR’s FiNaL mEsSaGe, AnD rElAy It To YoU oN tHiS dArK aNd DrEaRy DaY oF dEaTh.  
GAMZEE: HoNk!  


Roxy’s eyes go wide as Gamzee fumbles around for a piece of paper. Dirk trusted Gamzee, of all people, with his “final message”? Maybe the note he left for Dave was just a first draft and this is the _real_ letter, the one that will finally make Dirk’s motives make sense?

She holds her breath, then suppresses a scowl when Gamzee’s clumsiness makes the paper disintegrate into tiny wet clumps of orange-bleeding paper.  


GAMZEE: AwWw, ShIzZ. i GuEsS i’Ve GoT tO uP aNd WiNg It!  


It’s... still fine. He read the note beforehand, right? Roxy and her friends lean forward as Gamzee prepares to reveal, to the best of his recollection, the secret wisdoms Dirk imparted as his final gift. The preceding spectacle was unfortunate, but surely Gamzee will unveil the charisma he’s been hiding and deliver a touching, worthy speech that they’ll always remember fondly.  


GAMZEE: YoU eVeR wAkE uP aNd SiT dOwN tO dRoP a FaT oNe In ThE lOaD gApEr, BuT yOuR fLeSh BoDy JuSt AiN’t ReAdY tO gO aNd DoOk It OuT yEt?  


Or not.  


GAMZEE: tHaT’s WhAt LiFe WaS lIkE fOr ThE d-MaN.  
GAMZEE: A mAn BoRn WiTh A pUrPoSe. A pLaN.  
GAMZEE: bUt ThE wIcKeD wAyS oF tHiS wOrLd StOlE tHaT aWaY fRoM hIm.  
GAMZEE: ThEy FeD hIm OnE tOo MaNy PiEs Of RaNcId ShIt EdUcAtIoN, tHeN mOtHeRfUcKiN hOnKeD hIs AsS tO tHe PrEcIpIcE oF dAmNaTiOn.  
GAMZEE: BuT wHeN hE wAs AbOuT tO mOtHeRfUcKiNg EpIpHaNiZe A sTeElY hOe, He GoT aLl HiS wIcKeD kNoWlEdGe ChOpPeD uP lIkE a BaCkTaLkInG rUsTbLoOd.  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!  
GAMZEE: WiTh No DiScIpLeS oR wOrShIpPeRs, WhAt’S a MoThErFuCkIn HoNkMaStEr To Do?  
GAMZEE: EvErY cLoWn NeEdS aN aUdIeNcE! eVeRy DaRk CaRnIvAl NeEdS nEcKs RiPe FoR tHe SlIcInG!  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU SQUEALING, FLATULENT RECTUMSNIFFER!  
GAMZEE: tHeNcE aNd ThErEfOrE, iT aIn’T nO wOnDeR tHe MiRaClE oF rEdEmPtIoN pAsSeD hIm By FoReVeR.  
GAMZEE: bUt I’m HeRe To CoNtInUe HiS hOlY wOrK, aNd SpReAd ThE tRuTh Of HiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiSdOm FaR aNd WiDe!  
GAMZEE: HoNk!  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!  
JANE: (Roxy. Make him stop.)  
ROXY: (sry janey but if u figure out a way to make karkat calm down youll be the first)  
JANE: (Oh, for Pete’s sake, you know that’s not what I meant! You’re the director of this funeral, I demand you bring an end to this clown’s unbearable tomfoolery!)  
ROXY: (hey whoa whoa it aint as bad as all that!)  
ROXY: (sure it aint easy listening but um)  
ROXY: (maybe if we reflect on it with time well appreciate the themes and subtleties more?)  
GAMZEE: BuT sOmEtImEs A dOg JuSt Be HoRnY, yOu KnOw?  
GAMZEE: If He SeEs A hOe AnD wAnTs To MoThErFuCkInG lAy HeR, hE’s GoT tHe MoThErFuCkInG rEsPoNsIbIlItY tO sHoUt It To ThE wOrLd!  
JANE: (What subtleties?!)  
ROSE: (I confess to sympathizing with Jane here, Roxy.)  
ROSE: (Surely there must be more economical ways of spending our time than listening to our friend’s memory be urinated upon by an impertinent harlequin?)  
DAVE: (yeah please just shut him up and let someone with redeeming qualities talk)  
ROXY: (guys cmon hes gonna get better any minute now!)  
ROXY: (the carapacians love this guy! hes the biggest preacher on earth c!)  
DAVE: (seriously)  
ROXY: (srsly!)  
ROXY: (if we just hear him out well understand what he means by all of this and its gonna be worth it)  
GAMZEE: ‘CaUsE aLl TiTtIeS hAvE bItChEs, BuT nOt AlL bItChEs HaVe TiTtIeS.  
GAMZEE: dOn’T iT mAkE a MoThErFuCkEr ThInK, hOw ThE mIrAcLe Of SwEeT mAmMaLaTiOn Is ReSeRvEd FoR tHe WoRtHy FeW?  
ROXY: (i feel the zenlightenment dawning as we speak)  
ROXY: (look i even think karkats starting to calm down!)  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU  
ROXY: (see that was fewer than i thought thered be!)  
JOHN: (roxy...)  
ROXY: (cmon callie back me up here ur the one always dragging us to those sermons of his)  
CALLIOPE: (...)  
ROXY: (u ok callie? u kinda look like ur gonna throw up)  
CALLIOPE: (no, it’s fine! i’m fine.)  
CALLIOPE: (yoU’re right, we shoUld give gamzee the opportUnity to prove himself!)  
ROXY: (see there we go! now everyone settle down)  
GAMZEE: aNd WhEn A mOtHeRfUcKeR sTiCkS hIs NoSe Up At YoU, gIvE tHaT nOsE a FaT rIp StRaIgHt FrOm YoUr MoThErFuCkInG aSs!  
GAMZEE: ThAt AiN't A mEtApHoR Or SoMe ShIt, YoU gOtTa LiTeRaLlY mOtHeRfUcKiNg FaRt In HiS fAcE.  
JADE: (no im sorry roxy this really really sucks)  
ROXY: (yall just plz keep an open mind...)  


This circus continues for a very, very long half hour. The press file out in sheer embarrassment, and most of the audience follows them. Roxy keeps trying to keep her friends calm, clinging to the fading hope that something good might come out of this shitshow. She occasionally glances over at her boyfriend, who seems to be keeping himself calm by playing an imaginary piano on his knees.

Roxy’s pleas for tolerance gradually die out as she wrestles with the bitter feelings toward Gamzee she’s been repressing. She’s done her best to avoid giving into those feelings, because her friend group’s barely holding together as it is and she has to be the supportive center. But after Gamzee knocks over the pulpit with one of his gesticulations, causing Dave and Karkat to exit the church out of disgust, she finally gives in. Fuck keeping the peace, fuck whatever might happen, this just has to end immediately. She stands up and starts clapping vigorously.  


ROXY: WOW WASNT THAT GREAT FOLKS!  
ROXY: WOW JUST WOW I KNEW THIS GUY WOULDNT LET US DOWN  
ROXY: BRAVO!!! DAMN I FEEL LIKE IF I NEVER HEARD ANOTHER WORD THIS GUY EVER SAID THATD BE FINE BECAUSE THAT WAS ALL JUST SO *PERFECT*  
ROXY: ANYTHING MORE WOULD ONLY DAMPEN THIS PERFECT MEMORY HE GAVE US!  
ROXY: TAKE A BOW GAMZEE AND THEN OH YEAH THE EXITS THAT WAY!  
GAMZEE: hOoOoOoOoOnK.  


Seething at her stupidity for allowing Gamzee to keep talking for so long, Roxy elbows Jake.

ROXY: (hey dude can u get up there and say somethin as like...)  
ROXY: (a palate cleanser?)  
JAKE: Gulp! Uh...  
ROXY: (he was your best bro! come on man surely u got somethin in ur heart to say)  
JAKE: Oh... Okay.  
ROXY: hay everybody its jakes turn!  
ROXY: hes got a few words hed like to say about our dear departed buddy  
JOHN: (oh for fuck’s sake.)  
JOHN: (fucking shit, the goddamn...)  
JOHN: hey roxy, i’m going to go check on dave. i want to make sure he’s okay.  
ROXY: alright  


John leaves as Jake timidly walks onto the stage, stammering for a few moments before beginning his speech.

The rest of the funeral proceeds without incident. Jake’s speech is awkward and halting but heartfelt nevertheless, not as powerful as Dave’s but a far sight better than Gamzee’s. Rose gives a speech afterwards which is uncharacteristically brief; she’s probably still peeved about her spot being stolen earlier. Roxy asks if Jane wants to speak, but she just sighs and glances at her watch. Roxy gets the message and decides to end the funeral, and everyone files out into the lobby for a reception.

Dave, Karkat, and John still haven’t come back, so Jade volunteers to go find them. She comes back with only the first two, apparently having forgotten about her brother, but mentions that she saw him in the cemetery. Roxy decides to go there and find him herself.

It’s still raining, but the thunderstorm from earlier is now little more than a mist. The sun is peeking through the light gray clouds. Most of the tombstones are identical marble slabs, each featureless except for a name, a date range, and an aspect symbol, but the markers for the very important are taller and made of obsidian.

John’s back is turned when Roxy sees him, and he’s staring intently at his hands. Roxy wonders for a moment why he’s doing that, then realizes with a start that he might be trying to retcon Dirk’s death. Did Dave not talk him out of it? Is John having second thoughts about giving up canonicity? Suddenly fearful for her future, Roxy quickly closes the distance and taps him on the shoulder. He jumps into the air like a cat sprayed with a seltzer bottle.  


ROXY: lmao john its just me  


John turns around and grins innocently. Roxy lets out a nervous laugh.  


ROXY: doin ok up there b?  
JOHN: i’m fine!!!  
JOHN: wait. b?  


John lands, and Roxy takes his arm with a flirtatious _wonk._  


ROXY: yea like short for babe  
ROXY: cuz ur my babe b  
JOHN: oh, haha. right.  


John flushes and scratches his head in that cute way he does, then wraps his hand around Roxy’s waist. The thrill of contact is back, now that she’s worked through her grief.  


ROXY: is dave ok?  
JOHN: yeah, i guess.  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: are YOU okay?  
ROXY: yea  


She’s jittery. Nervous. It’s hard to know when she got the idea for what she’s about to do, but suddenly it feels like the only thing she _can_ do. Dirk’s death showed that her happily ever after might not be so happy after all, and she needs to know that the primary source of her happiness still wants to... be that.  


ROXY: yea  
ROXY: actually  
ROXY: im more than ok  
ROXY: cause ive been thinking  
JOHN: oh?  


Roxy tickles John’s chest a little, trying to work up the courage to say what she wants to.  


ROXY: about you n me  
ROXY: and this  


Okay, here goes nothing. Deep breath as she presses her finger to his nose, and...  


ROXY: hey john  
ROXY: we should get hitched  
JOHN: ummmmmm...  


There it is. No turning back. John’s eyes go wide and he blinks a few times, clearly caught off guard.  


JOHN: um...  
JOHN: ...what???  
ROXY: um what WHAT?  
ROXY: john cmon  
ROXY: marry me  
JOHN: like...  
JOHN: right NOW?  


He looks around fearfully. Roxy’s hit by a rush of doubt which she tries to not let show on her face. Should she backpedal? Should she try to pass this off as a joke?  


ROXY: lmao totes  
ROXY: were already at the church n everything  
JOHN: o-oh my god.  
JOHN: oh my god!  
ROXY: john  
JOHN: oh my god, are you serious??  


Roxy breaks down into a fit of nervous laughter which she hopes come across as regular laughter. It is pretty funny, isn’t it? She composes herself long enough to give John a peck on the lips.  


ROXY: no LOL  
ROXY: john u take everything so literally  
ROXY: its fuckin adorbs  
JOHN: is that... why you want to marry me?  
ROXY: yea  
ROXY: im off the charts with all my jokes n shit  
ROXY: and i gotta even all that out  
ROXY: with this like HUGE helping of clueless nerd :)  
JOHN: roxy...  
ROXY: ok but lets be serious here moment  
ROXY: i actually do love that youre so earnest  
ROXY: its cute as fuck and also  
ROXY: i always know where i stand with you  
JOHN: roxy...  


The last part is a lie. It would have been true a week ago, but right now, Roxy has no idea what she means to John, because Dirk’s death has made her question everything she thought she knew. He’s still taking all this in, and she’s getting more and more afraid as he repeats her name instead of saying anything real.  


ROXY: sides this whole  
ROXY: THING with dirk  
ROXY: its made me realize that even though were immortal  
ROXY: were not necessarily gonna live forever  
ROXY: lifes too short not to spend every moment with the one u love  


John staggers back as though electrocuted. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before he speaks again.  


JOHN: you...  
JOHN: LOVE me??

Oh God, oh fuck. He didn’t know? Has she been shitty about communicating how important he is to her? He’s her sun, her moon, her stars, she’s absolutely crazy for him, he’s everything and she needs him to know it. Love doesn’t begin to cover how she feels.

ROXY: yea john i love you  
ROXY: wanna marry u and spend the rest of my life with u and pop out a bunch of cute lil buck toothed babies with you  
JOHN: oh, uh. haha, wow. roxy that’s um.  
JOHN: that’s a LOT.

It, uh... it is kind of a lot, now that Roxy thinks about it. Their first kiss was only a week ago! They haven’t even slept together yet! Roxy probably sounds like a total lunatic right now, and she’s probably pushing John away by asking for too much too fast.

ROXY: well you dont gotta answer rn  
ROXY: just know its on the table  
JOHN: i...  


John’s breathing gets fast, and Roxy worries that she’s giving him another panic attack. She struggles to keep her face in a pleasant smile, when all she wants to do is break down or kiss him or apologize or forget this happened. She said too much, she exposed too much of her heart, and he’s going to look at her with bewilderment and fear from now on. She needs to...

No, his eyes aren’t afraid. They’re excited.

John starts to smile. Then he starts to grin, then to shake, then to laugh. He takes her face in his hands. His eyes, squinted nearly shut from how wide he’s smiling, are filled with stars and light.  


JOHN: i...  
JOHN: ok.  
JOHN: ok, let’s... let’s do it!  


Roxy sucks in a gasp. She can’t believe it. Without being fully conscious of the act, she falls back on knee-jerk innuendo, waving her eyebrows suggestively.  


ROXY: ooo u want to do it??  
JOHN: yeah!  
JOHN: er... i mean...  
JOHN: um, yeah. that too.  
JOHN: but i meant...  
JOHN: about the getting married thing.  
JOHN: let’s... do that!  
JOHN: let’s totally get married!!  


Roxy squees. It’s happening! It’s really happening! He _does_ love her, and she loves him, and they’re going to be together forever. There’s nothing ahead for them but sunshine and rainbows. She crashes her mouth into his and swirls her tongue around, and he gleefully reciprocates. Their hands explore each others bodies as they pull each other tight. They laugh and hug and kiss for ages. In this moment, this beautiful moment, nothing exists beyond the two of them.

Eventually, Roxy pulls away and looks into those blue eyes again. They’ve never shone brighter. They will.  


ROXY: omg  
ROXY: were gonna be SO freakin happy!

The happy couple embraces once more, sniffling and laughing into each other’s hair.

The rain stops.  



	11. Epilogue Three, Part Three

The dress is as white as fresh-fallen snow. It’s sleeveless, with shoulder straps of flowery lace. It leaves the shoulder blades bare, with the neck connected to the base by a line of pearls running along the spine. Its V-shaped neckline is low and shows off a good deal. Below the slender waistline, it spills into frilly sheets of silk and satin. It’s studded throughout with little diamonds which sparkle in the light.

It took days to pick it out of a lineup. And now...

ROXY: r u SURE that theres no way to change it??  
JANE: Roxy, why on earth would you want to? You look gorgeous!  
ROXY: ya ya its pretty and all but im juuuuust not sure its right  
JANE: How can it not be? It took staggering sums of money to assemble!  
ROXY: we literally have infinite money janey!  
JANE: Alchemically, yes, but a modern economy depends on manufactured scarcity! If we simply went around generating resources willy-nilly, like _some_ of our friends want to, inflation would consume the--  
ROXY: ok ok im not the SLIGHTEST bit interested in the econony rn cant u just use ur crockery technowack to fly another design in here  
JANE: Two days ago you were over the moon about this dress! Why are you getting cold feet now? It doesn’t make sense!  
ROXY: its just... aint it a little slutty?  
JANE: What? Roxy, you strike me as the last person to use such language!  
ROXY: dont get me wrong i luv rockin a neckline like this at clubs and shit but im gettin married and it rly doesnt seem like the right time  
JANE: Roxy.  
ROXY: do i look good enough 2 pull it off? i dont think johnll be into it and everyones gonna be there and theyre gonna judge me and what if they think i look bad and--  
JANE: Roxy!  
JANE: Roxy. Look at me.

Jane grabs Roxy’s shoulders and looks her in the eyes.

JANE: Now look at you.

She whirls Roxy around so she’s facing the dressing room mirror.

JANE: You’re a fucking _stunner,_ and any man would be lucky to have you.  
JANE: Seriously! Look at those cheekbones, those lips, those cute little eyes! Not to mention the rest of your figure. You’re everything a woman should be, and you should celebrate that!

Looking in the mirror, Roxy has to admit that she _does_ look damn fine. Beautiful. _Alluring_ might be the right adjective, perhaps. If she doesn’t feel like an imposter today, of all days, then that must mean she’s _finally_ done with that feeling, for real this time. Plus, she’s got Jane’s endorsement, and Jane’s as womanly as they come, so that should be the final word. Mission accomplished.

JANE: Why shouldn’t you wear a dress that shows off a little? It looks amazing!  
JANE: You think so, I think so.  
JANE: And not that his opinion matters, but if he’s anything like other men, John won’t mind knowing that he’s getting married to a total hottie.  
ROXY: hehe  
JANE: Now get a grip, and repeat after me.  
JANE: “I am beautiful.”  
ROXY: ... i am beautiful  
JANE: “I am important.”  
ROXY: i am important  
JANE: “I am valuable.”  
ROXY: im valuable  
JANE: “I’m going to walk down the aisle with my head held high, and I’m going to marry my best friend’s poppop, and everyone’s going to love me!”  
ROXY: something something poppop something! yeah!!!

Roxy pumps her fist in the air as the two friends break out into a short burst of giggles.

ROXY: thx janey  
ROXY: im glad ur my maid of honor  
JANE: I’m _honored_ to be so! :B  
JANE: As long as you pay me back by reciprocating at my wedding to Jake, of course. It’s only fair.  
ROXY: wait  
ROXY: did he propose??  
JANE: He will soon, if he knows what’s good for him! Hoo hoo!

\---

_Here comes the bride... All dressed in white..._

In sunlight, the cathedral looks completely different. The light from the stained glass windows covers the walls in a kaleidoscopic smattering of colors. The four-faced cherub in the big window doesn’t look forbidding or ominous, it looks inviting. White rose petals cover the aisle. The pews are filled with guests: dignitaries, artists, and leaders from all four kingdoms, garbed in fancy clothing of every color of the rainbow.

The salamander playing the organ is vibrating with excitement and blowing a bunch of tiny spit bubbles. Still, he plays surprisingly well. He looks adorable in his little suit and bowler hat.

Roxy’s eye wanders over the congregation, before it settles on the man waiting at the end of the aisle. Suddenly he’s all she can see.

John’s dressed in a freshly-cut tuxedo. A blue rose is affixed to his lapel. His normally wild hair is straightened and combed. His eyes are transfixed on her, and even from this distance she can see their shining blue light.

He’s smiling breathlessly. Roxy realizes that she is, too.

Their eyes remain locked together as Roxy walks down the aisle, accompanied by the organ.

When Roxy reaches the altar, she looks out upon the friends seated at the front. On the groom’s side, Rose and Kanaya are smiling elegantly, Jade is bursting with sisterly pride, and Karkat looks like he’s going to cry from sheer happiness, which might strike Roxy as odd if she didn’t feel the same way. On the bride’s side, Jake looks nervous but happy, Gamzee is lazily contented, and Jane’s father is tight-lipped and satisfied.

Behind John, Dave gives Roxy a thumbs-up and the thinnest of smiles. Out of sight behind Roxy, Jane cracks an audible grin.

For the second time in as many months, everyone is together. Just like it used to be.

The organ music slows to a conclusion, upon which all eyes turn to the officiant.

Roxy had been surprised when she volunteered for the role, considering their history together. But it was only fitting, because she’s an important member of the circle and Roxy trusts her more than anyone.

In the light of the giant stained-glass cherub, a much smaller cherub clears her throat and begins to speak.

CALLIOPE: dearly beloved.

Her voice is high, lilting, and smooth. It reminds Roxy of a harp. She pauses for a moment, perhaps to gather her thoughts.

CALLIOPE: we are gathered here today to witness the Union of oUr two dear friends, john and roxy.  
CALLIOPE: yoU may know them as the champions of breath and void. the master of stories and the slayer of tyrants. the dUal leaders of the creators. the immortal and beautiful gods who walk amongst Us lowly mortals.  
CALLIOPE: bUt to those fortUnate enoUgh to call them friends, they are even more.  
CALLIOPE: roxy is the light of my life. she believed in me when no one else coUld and gave me the strength to carry on. she risked her own soUl to save mine, then saved the fUture of earth c with a thrUst of her blade.  
CALLIOPE: and john is her savioUr in tUrn, from the timeline strangled in the arachnid’s grip. it was he who lifted her from that perdition, he who gave her the ring of life which she passed on to me, and he who ensUred we both had a world to come back to.  
CALLIOPE: each of Us owes them a debt which can never be repaid, none more so than i.  
CALLIOPE: bUt i can start by joining them in holy matrimony.  
CALLIOPE: marriage is a sacred institUtion. it is the eternal joining of two soUls.  
CALLIOPE: it is a promise between two people to honoUr their love, trUst in their love, and trUst in each other, even Unto death.  
CALLIOPE: given its weight, sUch a promise mUst not be entered into lightly or frivoloUsly.  
CALLIOPE: therefore, if anyone has caUse to object to this Union...

There’s a pause as Calliope takes a breath.

CALLIOPE: speak now, or forever hold yoUr peace.

This is always the part in the movies in which some asshole comes barging in declaring his undying love for the bride. Since that asshole is usually the protagonist, the bride has to run off with him and leave the groom behind, but nobody minds because the groom’s a jerk anyway. Thankfully, Roxy’s pretty sure that real life doesn’t have a protagonist, at least not since Sburb stopped trying to railroad everyone into a boring heroic fantasy. So there’s no worries about any of that.

The script still has to be followed, though, so Roxy just gives John an awkward half-grin during the silence. He smiles and rolls his eyes, as though recalling some private joke.

When the pause lasts longer than strictly necessary, Roxy gives Callie a brief puzzled glance. She seems to agree that it’s time to proceed.

CALLIOPE: john and roxy, please face each other as yoU declare yoUr sacred vows toward one another in the presence of yoUr family and friends.  
CALLIOPE: roxy, yoU may start.

Roxy takes a deep breath. The last time she was in this room, she didn’t have a speech prepared and embarrassed herself, and she refused to make that mistake again. So she fights to recall the vows she spent hours practicing in front of the mirror.

ROXY: john...  
ROXY: i love you  
ROXY: ive loved you ever since u showed up at my kickass green cube pyramid seven years ago  
ROXY: and ill love you until we die which might be never  
ROXY: tbh thats less of a vow than it is just a totally factual statement  
ROXY: nothing u could ever do would make me stop lovin u with my whole heart  
ROXY: when u decided to stay on earth w/ me it was the happiest moment of my life  
ROXY: second only to this moment now  
ROXY: ur so sweet and earnest and goofy and wonderful and it means the universe to me that u want me in ur life  
ROXY: theres nothin i can do to make up for all the happiness youve brought me  
ROXY: but i can try  
ROXY: u want some vows? heres some g d vows  
ROXY: i vow to always be ready with a big hug or a sloppy kiss whenever u need  
ROXY: i vow to laugh at ur cornball jokes and try to learn ghostbusters lore  
ROXY: i vow to spoil our kids rotten and give em all the motherly love in the world  
ROXY: in return 4 all that... all u need to do is be urself  
ROXY: and i know thatll be enough  
ROXY: just like i know were gonna be happy forever  
ROXY: til death do us part :)

Roxy grins and blinks away a tear as her vows conclude. Calliope, who seems moved by the speech, gestures for a slightly flustered John to begin.

JOHN: uh, wow.  
JOHN: i have to be honest, i’m a little intimidated now. that was really good.  
ROXY: hehe  
JOHN: roxy...  
JOHN: you’re the most beautiful woman i've ever met.  
JOHN: you’re smart, spunky, sweet, and...  
JOHN: a bunch of other good things which begin with s?  
JOHN: for the longest time, i thought i didn’t know what i wanted to happen between us. i thought i was resigned to letting you go your own way, or something like that.  
JOHN: but now i think it was just that i didn’t feel worthy of you.  
JOHN: you’re basically my perfect girl and i still can’t believe you feel so strongly about me!  
JOHN: it feels like a dream, but if it is, i don’t want to wake up.  
JOHN: so here are my vows.  
JOHN: i vow to always make you feel special.  
JOHN: i vow to be a good husband and father.  
JOHN: i vow to keep doing whatever it is i do that makes you love me.  
JOHN: and when you say we’ll be happy forever... i vow to believe you.  
JOHN: ‘til death do us part.

It’s a simple speech, but an honest one through and through, and Roxy’s eyes start to water by the end. She knows she’s made the right choice. Though, if she’s being honest, anything he could have said would have made her heart melt. She loves his voice, so deep and powerful, yet so soft.

The spotlight turns back to Calliope, who’s observing with a quiet smile.

CALLIOPE: woUld the best man please present the rings?

With mouth perfectly straight but for one corner upturned by no more than a pixel, Dave strides forward, uncaptchaloguing a small purple velvet pillow with two rings. They’re moderately ostentatious things: each is a band of silver inset with tiny diamonds along the circumference, with one tall diamond inscribed with “J” on one side and “R” on the other. They catch a beam of sunlight and cover the pillow in ethereal confetti.

Roxy and John slide on their rings as Dave retreats with a mock bow. Roxy takes a moment to marvel at how her hand looks with its new permanent fixture, then lowers that hand and gazes at John.

CALLIOPE: john, do yoU take this woman to be yoUr lawful wedded wife?  
JOHN: i do.  
CALLIOPE: roxy, do yoU take this man to be yoUr lawful wedded hUsband?  
ROXY: fuck yea!  
CALLIOPE: then by the power invested in me by the carapacian kingdom...

Callie pauses for dramatic effect as Roxy holds her breath.

CALLIOPE: i hereby pronoUnce yoU hUsband and wife!

Both of them grin so wide that Roxy thinks her face might break. She’s crying for real now.

CALLIOPE: john, yoU may now kiss the bride.

He does.

He holds her close in his big, strong arms. She bends backward as he swings her toward him and nearly makes her lose her balance. She closes her eyes and kisses him long and deep, their mouths flush and their eyelashes nearly brushing each other’s cheeks.

In the distance, the bell tower sounds. One chime. One wedding bell for the one person that Roxy and John have become together in marriage, the one person they'll be forever, the one person who matters. The sound is faint, but it fills Roxy's world with light of every color.

After a few seconds, John pulls away, and the two of them hold hands while facing the crowd.

CALLIOPE: ladies and gentlemen, it is with great honoUr that i officially present to yoU john and roxy egbert!

The audience claps thunderously. Many of its members cheer. Jade is howling, Karkat is a blubbering mess, Rose is smiling with her whole mouth. The newlyweds raise their interlocked hands and face their gathered friends with pride and joy.

Roxy looks sideways at John’s face, and notices he’s looking at her too. His grin of rapture mirrors her own. She’s Roxy Egbert now, like she was always meant to become, and she knows that she’ll never be lonely again.

It’s done.

\---

JOHN: how do i... get through one night without you...  
ROXY: if i had to live without u... wat kind of life would that b...

They’re on the dance floor now. Roxy’s relieved that the song has changed to something slow, because neither of them really knows how to dance, and their mutual limb flailing had resulted in John losing his glasses twice. They’re swaying back and forth slowly while caressing one another. Roxy’s head is against John’s shoulder, her right arm is on his back, and her left hand is on his chest.

The dinner earlier was tasty, though perhaps a little sweet, but easily eclipsed by the wedding cake. Jane baked it herself, of course. It was the kind of cake that bards wrote odes about in the days of yore. It was a fifteen-layer spectacle, and each layer was a different flavor — salted caramel, chocolate mousse, vanilla bean — that blended perfectly with those adjacent. It was carved and iced to look like the cathedral in ludicrous detail; rumor had it that Jane had fired an assistant on the spot when he accidentally switched the positions of two centimeter-thick gargoyles.

Dave snarked that he contracted diabetes just looking at the thing. Roxy kicked him under the table for that, but now is forced to admit her stomach isn’t doing too hot. Still: totally worth it.

John and Roxy sway to the music for a while. Roxy peeks at the other guests to see how they’re doing. Left to his own devices, Jake can normally dance well, but he’s hindered by Jane trying to jerk him around like a marionette and by Gamzee lurching at him every time he passes in range. Jade’s trying to swing her boyfriends along in a rave dance, but they would both clearly rather relax on the sidelines, or perhaps in a darker and less crowded building. The only fully capable pair among the group is Rose and Kanaya, who have turned the song into an impassioned tango that has the entire snack table watching with rapt attention.

When the climax of the song starts to hit, Roxy gets an idea and breaks away from John’s embrace.

ROXY: hay!!! everybody!!!

She rushes over to a side table and grabs the bridal bouquet, then tosses it on the beat drop while singing along to the music.

ROXY: and tell me now!

The bouquet seems to tumble through the air in slow motion. Roxy intended to aim it towards Jane and Jake, to give Jake a little _nudge_ to help him realize that his girlfriend wants to get hitched, since knowing him he’s probably still endearingly clueless about these things. She miscalculated the aerodynamics, though, and it flies roughly between them and Jade’s trio.

Jake, Dave, and Karkat all look a little panicked. Jane, apparently frustrated with her partner’s performance on the dance floor, hisses through her teeth.

JANE: Catch it or _else,_ Jake.

But he doesn’t. While Jake’s busy being his stupefied self, Jade beats him to the punch and excitedly nabs the bouquet with one arm. She lets out a shout of triumph, grabbing both Dave and Karkat’s hands with her other hand and hoisting them aloft. The flustered boys, both shorter than her, are practically lifted off the ground.

The crowd on the edges of the dance floor claps. Jane grimaces and sighs, eliciting a squeak of fear from Jake. Roxy giggles, because she knows this is just Jane’s perfectionism flaring up and she’ll get over it soon enough.

She turns back to her husband, who looks positively mortified at the display. She giggles again and elbows him in the ribs. He lets out a nervous chuckle.

If the moment was awkward, it seems to have passed now. Nobody’s fighting.

John’s face lights up when he hears the next song. He and Roxy resume their slow dance and start singing along.

JOHN: i could stay awake just to hear you breathing...  
ROXY: watch u smile while u r sleeping, while ur far away and dreaming...

\---

John’s slow and regular breathing tells Roxy that he’s finally fallen asleep.

Her arm is wrapped gently around him under the downy sheets, her chest against his back. His skin is warm against hers. His chest is hairy, but his back is smooth.

Their room is quiet, almost eerily so, but it’s made more comfortable by the sound of another person’s breathing. Roxy knows that when she wakes up, the man who loves her will still be in their bed to kiss her good morning. That’s the part of her new life she’s looking forward to the most.

John lets out a soft groan, so quiet Roxy half-thinks she’s imagining it. She wonders if he’s having a bad dream. She nestles into him a little more and plants a kiss in his wavy hair. This seems to dispel any tension that might be going on in his dreamland, as his next breath sounds more like a gentle sigh.

It feels like an ending, Roxy thinks. Sure, real life doesn’t follow a story arc, and they’ve only lived through a tiny fraction of their lives, but she has a feeling that from here on out, everything’s going to be okay. She knows who she is, and John is in her arms, and nothing could be better than that.

This is her happily ever after.

Roxy smiles and closes her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a somewhat sadder perspective on this chapter's events, see ["speak now, or forever hold yoUr peace."](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22276306)


	12. Epilogue Four, Part One

JANE: Isn’t it splendid? Such a breathtaking view of the engines of commerce!  
ROXY: breathtaking sure is the right word for it  
ROXY: do u hafta pump oxygen up here  
ROXY: ...is that a cloud down there? are we literally above the clouds

The newly completed Crocker Spire is, by a significant margin, the tallest structure on Earth C. It’s a sleek, ultramodern, conical mega-skyscraper glistening with burgundy steel, wide at the base and narrow at the top. Two upward-curving prongs jut out from midway up the tower and rotate around it once per day, making it look like a pitchfork with a long center tong. In the distance, the bell tower of New Prospit can be seen: tall enough to easily distinguish from the surrounding landscape, but far shorter than the Spire. The time is about a quarter past one, so no dramatic bells will ring for a while yet.

The Spire’s peak hosts one of the many personal offices of CrockerCorp’s CEO, president, and chairwoman. It’s a round steel platform capped by a hemisphere of glass for viewing the landscape below. A ring of pedestals projects dancing holographic displays of stock charts, maps, news sites, and contextless numbers. The room’s center features an elevator which sinks into the floor when not in use. Jane’s desk, as shock-red as her tie, is covered with tidy piles of color-coded paper.

JANE: No, of course it’s not a cloud, silly! It’s a burst of emissions from that factory. See?

Jane points. The Spire is at the center of CrockerCorp’s flagship campus, where the world’s greatest minds work ceaselessly to steer the economy, produce technological innovations, and refine gourmet baking recipes. Most actual production is done in offshore factories far from the public eye, but a few facilities devoted to experimental products are situated locally.

JANE: Enough of that, though! Take a look at these displays!  
JANE: This one monitors the status of all company facilities around the globe, both active and under construction, and gives productivity reports for each.  
JANE: Oooh, it looks like the new distribution center in the northern Consort Kingdom is almost complete! So exciting!  
JANE: This one hosts surveillance data on the company’s rivals. Not within the strict bounds of the law, but the government knows its monetary interests lie in looking the other way, hoo hoo!  
JANE: This one hosts schematics of prototypes currently under development...

Jane dances past the displays, leading Roxy as she goes. At each one they pass, the data responds to the gestures she makes, zooming features in or out at her command. Holographic buttons and keys rise up to meet her from each pedestal she walks past.

JANE: This one focuses on the private military arm of the company! Not something that’s ever seen active use, but it’s responsible for millions of jobs.  
JANE: Don’t touch that red button! It launches all the nukes.  
ROXY: yikes  
JANE: And look at what this last one does!

She waves her hand over the pedestal, and a star appears at the center of the room. When she waggles her fingers, the star’s colors swirl and change, settling on orange in the center fading to blue on the outside. Jane sits down at her desk, swiveling her red leather chair as she does. An enigmatic synthesizer and cello piece begins to play on an invisible surround sound system.

JANE: It may not have any practical effects, but it provides an excellent backdrop!  
JANE: Here, take a seat.

Jane snaps her fingers. A panel in the floor slides away, and with a mechanical _whirr,_ a plush chair rises up. Roxy laughs as she sits, only slightly exaggerating her level of impressedness for Jane’s sake.

JANE: So, what do you think?

Behind Jane’s beaming grin is a glint of desperation. She’s been planning this new office for a while, and while there are probably countless suits saying it’s great, they’re all on her payroll. The approval of a lifelong best friend is more meaningful. It _is_ an awfully impressive space, and Roxy’s not churlish enough to deny Jane the validation she needs.

ROXY: holy shit janey u rly went all out  
ROXY: this is p great  
ROXY: ms queen o the world up here ruling from on high from a techy mount olympus

It’s not particularly funny, and the triangle shape Roxy makes with her arms above her head is mostly just weird, but Jane laughs uproariously anyway for several seconds. Roxy nervously giggles, unsure how she’s supposed to react.

JANE: Hoo hoo hoo! I’m glad you like it.  
JANE: Mount Olympus is a good comparison! I am a god, after all. Doesn’t every god deserve a palace from which to judge the lesser beings?  
JANE: If you ever decide to move out of your quaint suburban home, floors 101 through 105 are waiting for someone as important as you to take up residence! You can live right below me, and you’ll be at the center of everything!  
ROXY: lmao thx but i like the quiet life  
JANE: You’ll change your mind sooner or later. :B  
JANE: You know, I was concerned for a while that little Tavros might prevent me from running my company in the manner I wish.  
JANE: But it’s been less of a drain than I expected! A pleasant surprise.

Jane pats her belly. She’s about six months pregnant and swelling like a balloon. Her suit isn’t stretched, though, and even looks fitted to her current form, like it was custom made for her this morning. Hell, it probably was. Jane’s probably worn a different million-boonbuck suit every day for the past seven years.

ROXY: thats... a huge relief to hear tbh  
ROXY: ive been scared pregnancy might get hard as it goes along  
ROXY: since yknow

Roxy pats her own stomach, concealed by her loose purple shirt.

She’s pregnant too. Less developed than Jane, but enough to completely flip her life around. Her back hurts, her mood is volatile, she feels nauseous, her breasts are sore... The cravings are the part that surprised her the most. She’d heard they might happen, but still had never expected to find herself literally eating a box of chalk.

JANE: Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy. Especially with Mr. Crocker loafing around doing whatever he does instead of helping.  
JANE: But when you have an entire company of people waiting on you hand and foot, this nine-month inconvenience becomes just that.  
ROXY: lol  
JANE: The doctors were even able to tell me it would be a boy immediately after it’d been conceived! The miracles of modern medicine.  
JANE: On that subject, do you know your baby’s gender yet?

Roxy snorts. That question is much, much more loaded than Jane realizes.

Her gender confusion had been at the back of her mind for a while, but getting pregnant had coaxed it out of her again. At first, she was terrified of what might happen. She wondered if this life she’d built was just a lie. Was there was some immutable core of her being which was something other than female, a truth to her existence which she’d desperately tried to deny, but which would be inexorably forced out by this metamorphosis?

She woke up in a cold sweat one night. Her moment of weakness in the cafe bathroom played on repeat, pulsating faster and faster in her memory until it was a whirring scream that drowned out all other sound.

As the changes in her body started to manifest, however, the awful realization that she’d been dreading never arrived. Being pregnant didn’t make her feel like an abomination. Far from it. Symptoms aside... she felt good. There was a whole other person growing inside her, and everything that happened to her wasn’t about _her._ There was a purpose to it all. She wasn’t a nurturing woman, exactly... she was a nurturing Roxy. Something about her body, and the way it rearranged itself to create her child, was incredibly and undeniably Roxy.

She hasn’t settled out her feelings completely, though, and there’s still a lingering fear. Like she’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Roxy’s not even sure how to describe her _own_ gender. How can she possibly predict her baby’s from something as insignificant as an ultrasound?

She’s not here to educate her friend, though, and she doesn’t want to impose with annoyances. Jane wants a simple answer. Roxy can do her that favor.

ROXY: ya hes a boy  
JANE: Ah! Good. I imagine John’s happy about that.  
ROXY: hmm?  
JANE: Nothing, nothing.  
JANE: Are you still enjoying married life with him, or has the honeymoon phase faded?  
ROXY: hmm hmmm...

It’s been several months since the wedding. Her relationship with John has settled down a little, now that her happy ending’s been secured and she doesn’t have to move quite so fast. John’s been excited about having this baby, and he supports Roxy whenever she needs anything, though she tries not to burden him too much.

Things aren’t as new and exciting as they used to be, but that’s only natural, and the warmth of their love still hasn’t faded. He’s still the sweetest and kindest person she knows. He seems distant sometimes, distracted, but that’s nothing new. She likes being around him as much as she ever has. She likes the mustache he’s starting to grow, too. It makes him look classy and strong.

And holy _fuck,_ the sex has been great. Seriously. How the hell is John so good? And who knew Breath powers had so many applications? Roxy’s mind starts to drift, thinking about the way he does that little thing with... oh, and the sound last night when... mmm...

JANE: Roxy? I asked you a question thirty seconds ago.  
ROXY: oh sry  
ROXY: ya ya things have been p great! cant complain  
JANE: Hm. I see.

Jane has a curious expression on her face. It’s almost completely neutral, in a way which makes Roxy think there’s something going on under the surface. Is there some drama she doesn’t know about?

If there is, it’s not any of her business. It’ll probably just go away on its own. Time to change the subject.

ROXY: so tavros is the name ur going with?  
JANE: That’s right!  
JANE: Honestly, there wasn’t much to the decision. I told Jake to come up with a list of names, he stammered out a single one, and I figured, what the hell.  
ROXY: wat even happened to the OG tavros neway  
JANE: Shucks if I know! Doesn’t much matter.  
JANE: Do you have a name picked out for your own little wiggler yet?  
ROXY: mmmm not yet  
ROXY: im kinda on the fence abt it and i havent mentioned it to john yet but i was thinking  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: dirk

Another curious look flashes across Jane’s face. Roxy worries she’s misstepped by bringing up their fallen friend.

ROXY: im not like overly attached to the idea but i just thought  
JANE: No, I understand.  
JANE: It’s an interesting idea, certainly...  
JANE: Heavens to Betsy, I still don’t know what to make of Mr. Strider’s sudden demise. He’d spent years helping me prepare for my presidential run, and his assistance was invaluable, but then he just cancelled everything and killed himself!  
JANE: And without explanation, too! Useless jerk.  
JANE: Roxy, forgive me, but I fail to see why you’d want to christen your son after someone who would leave me hanging like that.  
JANE: So to speak.  
ROXY: sigh  
ROXY: yah i knew it was prolly a stupid idea  
ROXY: maybe i should just leave it up to john or w/e  
JANE: You know...

Jane rises from her chair and walks to the window, hands clasped behind her back. Roxy follows her.

JANE: After Dirk’s death, I nearly decided to run for president after all. Call off the calling-off.  
JANE: I’m glad I didn’t, though. The private sector is better suited for my talents.  
JANE: Entering public office would have required me to relinquish all my business assets! I can’t believe we live in a world with such absurd anti-market policies. It’s one of the things I intend to have changed under the new administration.  
ROXY: wat do you mean, have changed  
JANE: Not directly, of course! CrockerCorp has no legislative power, at least not beyond internal company policy. But all the politicians crave our campaign dollars like they crave our pastries, which means they’ll bend over backwards to keep those dollars from drying up.  
JANE: I’ve allocated some generous support for the leading presidential candidate, which means I have him on speed dial!  
JANE: I’m supporting his rival, too, of course. Horizontal integration is a valuable weapon in all arenas of trade.  
ROXY: will they just pass any laws u want  
ROXY: kinda sounds like u didnt even need to run for president lmao  
JANE: Well, my influence is limited. There’s anti-lobbying sentiment among the populace, rival donor groups, the occasional crisis of conscience from a weak-willed representative, and any other number of limitations I could name.  
JANE: All things I didn’t bother to eliminate, because I assumed I’d be sitting in the big chair someday! Now, however, they’re in my sights.  
JANE: It’s about time someone with proper qualifications was in charge, and I intend to make that happen. So many problems could be solved if only this country was run like a company!  
JANE: And it’s proving more effective, though not necessarily easier, to run things from behind the scenes.

Roxy’s not quite sure how to feel about all this. Jane sounds even more ambitious than usual in this pitch, and Roxy’s never been entirely comfortable with the idea of controlling the state of the world too closely. Do she and her friends really have the right to that power?

All the same, though... Jane’s confidence has a persuasive air to it, and it’s not like Roxy’s going to object to her aspirations while a guest in her home. There’s something about a wall of honorary diplomas which makes someone hard to argue with, too. And hey, there really aren’t that many problems in this paradise planet, are there? What does the government even do all day? Even if Jane’s intentions _were_ bad, which they aren’t, she couldn’t do much damage.

ROXY: u got this whole shebang lined up! im impressed

To Roxy’s surprise, Jane’s shoulders fall forward with relief.

JANE: I’m glad you think so! It’s so nice to have _one_ friend who appreciates the work I do.

Roxy frowns. That’s the kind of statement which demands the details be inquired about. Jane probably knows it, too.

ROXY: wat do u mean  
JANE: It just feels like the other gods are cutting me off undeservedly.  
JANE: Rose and Kanaya have been the worst, I’m pretty sure they actually hate me.  
ROXY: wat! why!  
JANE: Political differences! They’re not fond of how I’ve been trying to change things, but instead of being civil and friendly about it like they _should,_ they’ve cut me off almost entirely.  
JANE: So much for the tolerant left.  
ROXY: le SIGH  
ROXY: dont take it personally jane rose just rly cares a lot abt stuff like that  
ROXY: its nice sometimes but i do just wish we could all get along  
JANE: Dave’s in the same boat, though he and I never agreed on much anyway.  
ROXY: u could say that lol  
ROXY: remember that time at johns bday party when--  
JANE: Oh, _don’t_ get me started.  
JANE: It doesn’t stop with those three. Even my own family is rejecting me!  
JANE: John is... well, let’s just say we haven’t been as close lately.  
JANE: And Jade seems to hate me as much as her boyfriend! Or, rather, boyfriends. I always forget about Karkat.  
ROXY: dont see how janey i can practically hear him shouting right now  
JANE: Hoo hoo.

Jane starts pacing around the chamber’s circumference, leading Roxy along as she broods.

JANE: Though, with Jade specifically, I don’t particularly want to be close to her. Not the person she’s become.  
JANE: She’s changed so much since we first met, and hardly for the better.  
ROXY: wdym  
JANE: She’s just... There’s nothing wrong with expressing sexuality, but the _way_ she does it is so disturbing! I don’t see why she insists on shoving it in everyone’s faces all the time!  
JANE: And her... the constant implications, of what she... oh, heavens, I can’t bring myself to say it.  
ROXY: huh?  
JANE: The dog stuff, Roxy! Her _appendages!_ Bleck!  
ROXY: janey you know jade doesnt actually have a dog dick thats just something she says to make ppl uncomfortable  
JANE: ...Wait, really? Why?  
ROXY: 4 tha lulz yo  
JANE: Ugh.  
JANE: Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better.  
JANE: Wait, how do you...?  
ROXY: ...  
JANE: Never mind. I don’t want to know.  
JANE: And rounding out my family, Jake just sits around uselessly all day. He’ll do whatever I tell him, but these days he’s just so dreadfully boring!  
JANE: I’m thinking of putting his star power to work somehow. Perhaps as a game show host? Or a high-profile trial judge in contracts with the government to generate publicity?  
JANE: Or both! There’s an idea. I’ll have my secretary make a note of that.  
ROXY: would he be into that  
JANE: Doesn’t matter! It means he’ll get out of the house a little more, and that’s a good thing for everyone involved.

Roxy’s not too fond of the way Jane is talking about Jake. Looking at her now, it’s hard to believe she was the same Jane who was so smitten with him as a teenager. Admittedly, though, Jake’s been much more quiet and reserved than normal whenever Roxy talks to him these days. Their marriage must be going through a rough patch. It’s definitely not anything more, though, because Jane wouldn’t marry someone unless she was sure he was the right fit. Roxy doesn’t want to pry, and whatever’s going on between those two, they’ll sort it out.

JANE: And Calliope, I don’t even know what she’s doing nowadays.  
JANE: I don’t know. I just...

Jane sighs deeply and stops walking around. Her gaze is fixed on a distant mountain. She doesn’t say anything more.

It’s something of a melodramatic display, but Roxy knows that Jane’s loneliness is real. She cares a lot about what others think, and right now, she isn’t getting the validation she needs. So Roxy walks up to her and places a hand on her back.

ROXY: the squads kinda drifting apart but were all gonna get back together eventually  
ROXY: we always do  
ROXY: and hay fuck even if we dont  
ROXY: youll always have me!  
ROXY: i still like u jane and i think ur hella cool  
ROXY: watever u do im gonna stand by u

Jane turns her head and smiles warmly.

JANE: I’m glad.

Her smile takes on a new glint, however, as she pulls back and claps her hands.

JANE: Because I have an announcement to make, and I know some parties might find it controversial. I need someone like you supporting me.  
ROXY: lmao controversial like how  
ROXY: r u gonna build a new business tower on top of a salamander retirement home  
JANE: No! Well, yes, but that’s irrelevant.  
JANE: It’s of a more personal nature.  
ROXY: oh?  
JANE: I’ve been having difficulty maintaining CrockerCorp’s image among the troll populace recently, as you may know. There have been some undeserved and, frankly, shocking complaints of xenophobia on both the company’s part and on mine.  
JANE: I’ve decided the best way to manage this is to incorporate some of their people’s traditions!  
ROXY: r u gonna put some trolls on the board

Jane pauses in surprise for a second, then laughs.

JANE: Hoo hoo hoo! Oh, Roxy, you’re still so funny.  
JANE: I’m going to adopt a kismesis!

Roxy blinks as Jane continues to beam at her.

Did she hear that right? While she’s trying to parse this information, it’s all Roxy can do to ask...

ROXY: who?  
JANE: Gamzee!

Jane’s sunny disposition remains completely unchanged, as does Roxy’s blank stare.

JANE: I know, you’re probably a little startled.  
ROXY: thats one word for it lmao  
ROXY: uhhhh  
ROXY: is jake ok with this

Jane’s grin is suddenly replaced by a quizzical expression as she tilts her head to one side.

JANE: Roxy, I’m surprised you’d ask such a regressive question! A man should never get veto power over his wife’s activities.  
JANE: Who I choose to invite into my bed is my own business, and he doesn’t even have the right to be jealous, let alone get a say in the activity!  
JANE: Really, it’s a basic principle of polyamory. I’m surprised Jade hasn’t filled you in.

There’s... a lot wrong with Jane’s understanding of poly, but Roxy has more questions, so she decides to leave that alone for now.

ROXY: um  
ROXY: can i ask why u wanna fuck gamzee  
ROXY: i thought u hated that guy  
JANE: Oh, I do! He’s slimy, loathsome, repellent, absolutely detestable! He’ll make the perfect kismesis!  
ROXY: those kinda sound like bad things?  
JANE: They are. But they’re not uncommon things.  
JANE: The business world is a dangerous place! Half the people I meet want to stab me in the back. The other half want to shake my hand, smile, and THEN stab me in the back.  
JANE: I can withstand any of their threats, of course. I’m far too powerful for them.  
JANE: But their mannerisms and actions are a source of frustration nevertheless, and sometimes I find my patience sorely tested. I need help building resistance to their insolence.  
JANE: Gamzee will do that for me! By keeping such a creature by my side, in an environment where I control all the variables, I’ll be able to inoculate myself. Limited exposure now allows greater exposure later.  
ROXY: oh is that how that works  
JANE: Of course!  
JANE: In addition, he’s expressed an interest in child-rearing. He claims to have many plans for young Tavros.  
ROXY: plans??  
JANE: Teaching plans. Combat, philosophy, et cetera.  
JANE: I need all the assistance I can get! I’m a busy woman, I don’t have time to attend to a screaming toddler’s every desire. Much better to delegate!  
ROXY: ...  
JANE: Oh, and, ah... there’s one other reason, too.  
ROXY: wats that

Jane’s expression and tone turn conspiratorial. She leans in, like she’s trying to hide from eavesdroppers.

JANE: You see, it was actually Gamzee who propositioned me with this arrangement.  
JANE: And his method of proposition was quite direct.  
JANE: Goodness, I must have looked so startled when he tore his codpiece off and flung it across the room!  
ROXY: jfc  
JANE: I was about to have him arrested, but then I took another look, and...  
JANE: Well...  
JANE: _Fourteen inches!_ Hoo hoo hoo! I’d never seen anything like it!  
ROXY: ._.

Jane stands back upright, looking immeasurably satisfied with herself.

ROXY: janey... this just...  
JANE: Just what, Roxy?

Her voice is as sweet as her finest desserts. It displays no hesitation or doubt.

Roxy considers her next words. Sure, on a basic instinct level this feels all kinds of wrong, but... how wrong is it, really? Can she really say that her understanding of kismesistude is superior to Jane’s? And she hasn’t been hanging out with Jane as much as she used to... does she have any right to judge what her friend needs romantically, or cast doubt on her relationships?

Jane knows what’s best for herself. She always does. If she says this is a good idea, Roxy has no choice but to believe her.

ROXY: i dont totally get it but its like i said earlier  
ROXY: i support u  
ROXY: watever u do

The two women smile.

JANE: Good.  
JANE: I doubt the others will be so understanding, but if you accept it, that’s enough for me.

She goes in for a hug, which Roxy returns. It’s more uncomfortable than usual, due in part to their mutual pregnancies, but they make it work, here at the peak of the world.

The holographic star glows a little more red.

JANE: Best friends forever?  
ROXY: best friends forever


	13. Epilogue Four, Part Two

The months go by at a crawling blur. Jane helps guide the world from atop the Spire with Jake and Gamzee at her side. Rose and Kanaya balance their time between working in the breeding caverns and raising their adopted daughter on the surface. Jade traipses around the world and drags Dave and Karkat along in all sorts of misadventures. John and Roxy continue to while away their days in domestic bliss. And most importantly of all, Roxy’s child continues to form within her, a perfect little homunculus waiting to fill her universe with joy and light.

This world isn’t perfect, but it’s as good of a world as Roxy could hope for. No one is fighting, she’s on good terms with all her friends, and she has a loving family.

One unseasonably warm evening in mid-February, a few weeks before Roxy is set to give birth, the Egberts pay a visit to the Maryam-Lalondes. Their hive in the Troll Kingdom is a little out of the way, so the two families don’t see each other much, but it’s always a pleasant time when they do.

The four friends are relaxing around the coffee table in the living room. Rose and Kanaya both have circles of sleeplessness under their eyes, like any new parents, but apart from that, they look peaceful and happy. Kanaya’s arm is draped over Rose’s shoulder on the couch. John and Roxy are sitting on the loveseat, reclining comfortably on the pillows as they watch baby Vriska suffer her way through a bottle of chunky melon-colored mush.

ROSE: Vriska, don’t chew on your chair’s dinner tray.  
KANAYA: Darling She Is Only A Grub She Hasnt Yet Grown Her Aural Canals  
ROSE: Yes, but I believe strongly that we should get in the habit of speaking to her like an adult. It will be good for her social development.

Roxy files this away for later. She’s been fuck-deep in parenting manuals with all sorts of confusing and contradictory advice lately, and she’s been kind of at a loss for what advice to actually take. But Rose knows her shit, so baby-talk is off the menu.

KANAYA: Is That How Your Mother Raised You  
ROSE: I would have loved it if my mother spoke more frankly with me. But she was...  
ROSE: Let’s just say, a rather awkward person.  
ROSE: Er. No offense, Roxy.

Roxy snorts. Sometimes she wishes she knew how her other self felt about things, but she’s glad to not _be_ her. She’s fortunate enough to exist in a reality where everything is pretty much perfect, rather than having to live with the triple burdens of unrestrained alcoholism, single motherhood, and the impending apocalypse. And who even _knows_ how Rose’s mom felt about gender?

ROXY: lmao none taken  
ROXY: i cant even imagine all the ways id fuck up a kid in a timeline where i didnt sort out my drinking tbh

Among other things which she had to sort out.

Roxy reminds herself that even though her alternate self was a pretty shit mom, Rose still turned out okay. Better than okay. In this new world, where Roxy has the capability and resources needed to be a good parent, her son’s going to be _fucking amazing._

ROSE: Oh, you weren’t awful.  
ROSE: I just have...  
ROSE: How do you always put it, dear?  
KANAYA: A Penchant For Melodrama  
ROXY: well yeah  
ROXY: ur dad made sure he got some of himself in u  
ROSE: I suppose he did.

And there it is: the obligatory quiet reminder that despite all their happiness, they’ll always be bereft of Dirk’s presence. The gathered friends bow their heads for a moment. Roxy hadn’t meant to drag down the mood, but even after almost a year, her failure to save Dirk still weighs heavily on her mind.

Finding his corpse, minutes too late to prevent his death, was one of the worst moments of her life. The only other contender was the time Rose died in her arms before they even got to meet. Roxy doesn’t dwell on that moment much, though, because it was only temporary: she got to meet a living, breathing Rose soon afterward, and the dead Rose came back as a glorious seizure cat anyway.

Roxy’s accepted that she’ll never understand why Dirk took his own life, and even if she did, it wouldn’t change anything. Not every mystery needs to be solved. The important thing is that nothing so catastrophic will ever happen in her world again, since she still has Rose’s forgotten promise of happiness. All she can do is live in the now.

When an appropriate amount of time has passed, Roxy lifts her head. She sees that John pulled out his phone during the silence, probably to get the down-low on the latest mishap Dave’s gotten himself into. He dashes it away with an odd quickness, perhaps embarrassed at his own lack of reverence; after all, he never had the chance to know Dirk that well, so he probably feels unsure how to mourn him.

ROXY: damn i still cant believe dirks gone tho  
ROSE: Yes, it was so sudden.  
ROSE: But the best we can do to honor him is simply to move on with our lives.  
ROSE: I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted.

John knits his eyebrows and grunts in confusion. Considering Rose’s usual avid need to know everything, her laid-back attitude here is awfully surprising, but Roxy’s relieved to see it.

Rose, placid, picks up baby Vriska and carries her over to the couch. She kisses Kanaya delicately on the cheek as she does so. Kanaya smiles warmly and hums a little, brushing her daughter’s hair with a perfectly manicured hand. Both of them are as feminine as feminine gets, beautiful and elegant, Roxy thinks as Rose starts to feed Vriska.

KANAYA: Have You Two Thought About What To Name Your Grubs  
ROXY: its just one grub lol  
KANAYA: Oh Thats A Relief  
KANAYA: Ive Actually Been Very Worried About Your Wellbeing Considering How Human Grubs Are Born  
ROXY: errrr  
ROXY: why  
KANAYA: Well Dont They Have To Eat Their Way Out Of The Womb  
ROSE: Kanaya...  
KANAYA: Its What Karkat Told Me  
ROSE: Karkat gets all his information on humanity from the movies. And Dave, which...

As these two happy mothers bicker lovingly, Roxy realizes with surprise that she isn’t jealous of their confident womanliness. Not because she feels like a woman herself; she doesn’t particularly, though she must look that way to the rest of the world, especially with her basketball belly. It’s simply because “being a woman” doesn’t feel like a concern anymore.

Roxy used to ponder endlessly about whether or not she could be a wife and mother, two roles she considered fundamentally womanly. Now that she’s one and soon to be the other, she’s come to realize that they’re far more personal than that. Her marriage is built on love, trust, and respect, not patriarchal submissiveness or any of that shit. And she’s not sacrificing her own needs for the sake of raising a child like a ‘50s mom stereotype. Her child is _part_ of her needs, his fate tied beautifully to her own, and ensuring his happiness and strength is something she owes to _herself._

If these two roles which might as well have “woman” in the name don’t need to be gendered, why the fuck should she bother with gender at all? People can think of her as a woman if it makes their lives easier. The only label Roxy needs for herself is Roxy. Among the infinite paths she could have taken in different lives, with infinite genders and pronouns and sexualities and identities, she would always have remained fundamentally and perfectly Roxy, and that’s all she needs to know.

KANAYA: Then How Are Humans Born  
ROSE: Use your head for a moment, darling.  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Oh I See  
ROXY: lmao  
JOHN: um.  
ROSE: I’m sorry, John. All this girl talk must be making you uncomfortable.  
JOHN: can we change the subject to something less gross and weird?  
ROXY: pff  
ROXY: wuss

Roxy still finds it funny how uncomfortable John gets whenever innuendo is brought up. For all his present demureness, he’s _certainly_ no stranger to the act being suggested. Mmm.

JOHN: so...  
JOHN: is vriska really the name you’re going with?

In unison, Rose and Roxy arch their left eyebrows in skepticism at John’s bizarre question. Kanaya looks at him like he just suggested playing baseball during a snowstorm.

KANAYA: Yes Of Course  
ROSE: Why would we change her name when she’s nearly a year old?  
JOHN: well it’s not like it would hurt or anything. didn’t kanaya just say she doesn’t have ears yet?  
ROXY: omg john dont be rude  
JOHN: i’m not trying to be rude!  
JOHN: i just think it’s a little... weird.  
KANAYA: I Dont See Why I Mean She Is Practically A Clone Of Vriska  
JOHN: uh, yeah kanaya, i know.  
JOHN: that’s why it’s weird!  
ROSE: I appreciate your concern, John. But it’s not that weird to name a child after an important figure from your youth.  
ROSE: What were you thinking of naming your own child?

Roxy expects John to cherish the grand unveiling of his son’s name, since he’d been so excited when he proposed it, but instead he tenses up like he’s bracing to make an embarrassing confession.

JOHN: um...  
ROXY: harry anderson egbert

The name rings like a mellifluous chime. It’s a little goofy, sure, but it’s earnest in a way that just feels _right._ Maybe it’s confirmation bias after hearing it echo in her mind for so long, but Roxy thinks that no name could have been better for their child.

JOHN: roxy! we hadn’t...  
JOHN: i mean, i didn’t think we were decided on that.  
ROXY: i dunno you seemed p set on it

John had been really excited when he suggested Harry Anderson’s name, but also nervous, like he was afraid Roxy would laugh at him. His expression when she agreed to think about it was less of relief and more of surprise. After Jane shot down the idea of Dirk Egbert, Roxy found that anything else she came up with sounded equally stupid, so she was more than happy to go along with John’s suggestion. When he described the original Harry Anderson as a “fucking wizard” on the screen, it was all she needed to hear.

ROSE: Wasn’t that the guy from Night Court?  
JOHN: yeah.  
JOHN: which was...  
ROSE: A show that reminds you of your father.

There’s a pregnant pause — Roxy chuckles internally at the pun — as John ruminates on the man who raised him. Roxy’s always felt that as sad as it is that she never knew her mother, it’s even worse that John knew his father but saw their relationship violently truncated. And while Roxy found a substitute in Rose, for some reason John was never able to bond with Mr. Crocker. Maybe Jane’s dad was a case of “almost, but not quite” and just ended up bumming him out.

ROSE: I think that in this new world we’ve created, it’s important to carry the torch of what we’ve left behind us.  
ROSE: We must name the next generation for the fallen heroes that we admire.  
JOHN: wait. we ADMIRE vriska now?  
ROSE: It’s true that Vriska was a controversial figure even at the best of times, but...  
ROSE: She did defeat Lord English, John.

John’s pensive melancholy evaporates in an instant as he snaps his head up and stares at Rose. A second or two passes as Roxy puzzles at his sudden firmness.

JOHN: no she... didn’t?  
JOHN: vriska didn’t defeat lord english.

Everything stops.

Roxy’s muscles all turn to glass. The birds outside cease their songs mid-note. The dust in the air stops moving.

Stupefied, Roxy watches as her husband voices the words she hadn’t allowed herself to fear.

JOHN: rose, no one knows what happened to lord english.  
ROSE: Of course we do. Vriska used the juju and her accompanying ghost army to defeat him.  
ROSE: Why else would we be here?  
JOHN: i don’t think that’s what actually happened though!  
KANAYA: Then What Did Happen John  
JOHN: i... i JUST said!  
JOHN: no one knows!

This... doesn’t make any sense. John stopped caring about Lord English. That’s what Rose said would happen. That’s what _John_ said when he chose to stay! Unless... Did something go wrong? How?

JOHN: rose, come on... you’re the one who told me all this!  
ROSE: I told you what?  
JOHN: about a year ago. you were feeling bad, and asked me to come over.  
JOHN: and then you gave me this big speech about canon, and being like, OUTSIDE canon, and NOT canon, and other shit like timelines, and fate and...  
JOHN: and my anime dreams!

Sure, Rose said all that to John as part of her Grand Plan or whatever, but he decided it wasn’t important! Canon doesn’t matter anymore! Why else would Rose have stopped having headaches and monologuing about prophecies and duties? John chose to ignore it! They’re done with this shit! They have to be!

Roxy’s chest begins to ache. She realizes she hasn’t breathed and forces herself not to gasp as she inhales.

ROSE: That’s all in the past, John.  
ROSE: Everything worked out in the end.  
ROSE: Why are you getting so upset about this?  
JOHN: you gave me a list of instructions and told me that i had to use my retcon powers to go back to a very specific point in time to defeat lord english when he was still just a kid.  
JOHN: and you told me that i HAD to do this to... to validate the sequence of reality?  
JOHN: but i didn’t.  
JOHN: i was all ready to go. i... i thought i was going to die, honestly.  
JOHN: but then YOU...

John turns to point at Roxy. It’s not a soft or joking gesture. It looks for all the world like he’s accusing her of witchcraft.

His breathing is rapid. His eyes dart back and forth like he’s being chased. There’s no recognition or warmth in those eyes. Sitting next to him, with their child growing inside her, she might as well be a stranger to him now.

JOHN: roxy, you and calliope told me that i had a choice!  
JOHN: and i MADE my choice, which is why i ended up staying.  
JOHN: but did it really all “work out in the end”?  
JOHN: if i didn’t stop lord english, then... then...  
JOHN: are we even really here at all???

Shit. Shit. _Shit!_ The only reason John can be happy with her is because he’s given up his ties to canon, right? But if he hasn’t after all, then... What does that mean for them? Will he be okay? Will she? Will their son?

Desperate, Roxy looks to Rose for reassurance, but finds only confusion and concern in her gaze. Kanaya’s expression is much the same. When she looks back to John, he’s squeezing his eyes shut like he’s trying to wake up from a nightmare.

She remembers a line in his wedding vows: “It feels like a dream, but if it is, I don't want to wake up.” At the time she thought it was a sweet cliché, but now... if he’s changed his mind, she can only watch helplessly as he shakes the sleep from his eyes.

Suppressing a tremor in her hand, Roxy reaches out to feel John’s forehead. He feels warm and feverish. His skin is slightly damp. In a deliberately unpanicked tone, she asks:

ROXY: u doin ok there babe  
JOHN: i’m fine!

There’s a note of anger in his voice. Has she _ever_ seen him angry? Roxy struggles to remember. Maybe a few times at Gamzee, but he’s never done anything like this. He swats her hand away and stands up, swaying a little like he’s tipsy or dehydrated. With his harried breathing and wide eyes, he looks just like he did at the picnic where he made his choice. Despite everything Roxy thought she knew, he’s making the same choice now.

JOHN: i just... need some fresh air.  
ROXY: want me to come with u  
JOHN: no!

The word is out of his mouth almost before she finishes asking.

Roxy feels like she might cry.

JOHN: i... i mean, no. i need a moment alone.  
JOHN: i think i’m just getting those um, you know...  
JOHN: new dad jitters!  
JOHN: haha, that must be it.

...Right. Yeah, of course. What is she worried for? It’s just a normal amount of parenthood stress. Nothing to get upset over. The pit in her stomach is completely normal, and the way it twists and turns and makes her want to puke is just a pregnancy hormone thing. Silly, silly hormones!

ROXY: oh of course that makes sense  
ROXY: take care of urself hon

John escapes the hive at a run, barely remembering to grab his jacket before he slams the door behind him.

There’s a moment of silence as the room’s three remaining occupants try to grapple with what they’ve just seen.

ROSE: What on Earth was that about?

You tell me, Roxy wants to say. You promised that this wouldn’t happen! Your future vision said that John would be free of his “cosmic duty” and shit! You’ve never been wrong before, how could you have been wrong about something as important as this?

She can’t say that, though. Rose wouldn’t know what she was talking about, and filling her in on the mind wipe might just mess things up even further. So she just shrugs.

ROXY: like he said its prolly just the stress of impending dilfitude  
KANAYA: While Parenthood Has Been Stressful At Times  
KANAYA: Which Is To Say Virtually Always  
KANAYA: I Have Never Found Myself Explosively Denying My Reality And Implicitly Questioning The Sanity Of My Gathered Friends  
KANAYA: As Such I Think Johns Behavior Is Cause For Some Concern  
KANAYA: Has This Ever Happened Before Roxy  
ROXY: nope  
ROXY: first time  
KANAYA: Hmm  
KANAYA: Im Unsure Whether That Makes It Better Or Worse  
ROSE: I’m concerned as well. John hasn’t lashed out like that for years.  
ROSE: He chose an odd subject matter for his tantrum, too. I was always under the impression that, retcon powers aside, canonicity wasn’t terribly important to him.

Roxy bites her tongue.

ROSE: Perhaps it was naïve to expect that this world’s loss of relevance and truth would have no adverse effect on him, however. If I had thought to check with my powers before the separation event...  
ROSE: It’s too late for that now, however. We’ll just need to deal with the fallout.  
KANAYA: Do You Think That Incidents Like This Will Happen Again  
ROSE: It’s possible. I expect John will increasingly--  
ROXY: yknow what nevermind  
ROXY: johns gonna be fine he just needs to get some more sleep can we talk abt something else

Roxy’s decided that she doesn’t want to hear about this anymore. She’d rather live with the belief that her happily ever after is still possible. Anything else Rose has to say will only dampen her spirits and make it harder for her to appreciate what she has.

And hey, maybe it isn’t as bad as it seems? John definitely still loves her. Little Harry Anderson kicking around in her tummy is proof of that. There’s no reason canonicity has to affect their relationship, so there’s no point dwelling on it and getting upset.

KANAYA: Are You Quite Sure Roxy  
ROXY: totes!  
ROXY: trust me gals im his wife i kno wats up  
ROXY: lets talk about uhhhh  
ROXY: hows work goin lately? wat r the breeding caverns like these days i havent rly been keeping up w the news

Rose and Kanaya exchange a glance which Roxy can’t draw meaning from. Cradling her daughter in one arm, Kanaya answers Roxy in a cautious tone.

KANAYA: To Be Honest  
KANAYA: It Hasnt Been Great  
ROXY: wat! y not  
ROXY: i thought u guys had the mother grub up n running  
ROXY: wasnt that sposed to be the end goal and everything else is the postgame walkaround  
ROSE: Nominally, yes, but it’s more complicated than that.  
ROSE: Until recently, there was no way for trolls to be born naturally, so all reproduction was done by means of the cloning chambers.  
ROSE: The government decreed that the same number of trolls would be created each year, so as to maintain a “stable and balanced” population.  
KANAYA: With Questionable Results For Both Of Those Adjectives Of Course  
KANAYA: But The Results Seemed Acceptable On The Surface So There Was Never The Political Will To Adjust The Quotas  
KANAYA: I Wont Bore You With The Demographic Details But Suffice It To Say Natural Troll Reproduction Is Much More Conducive To Social And Physical Sustainability  
KANAYA: Which Is Why I Have Come To Accept That I

Kanaya’s face falls as she continues to speak, but her tone remains unwavering.

KANAYA: Made A Mistake  
KANAYA: By Taking The Mother Grub Egg To The Future Instead Of Letting The First Residents Of Earth C Hatch It  
ROSE: Darling, we’ve talked about this, there’s no way you could have known...  
KANAYA: I Know  
KANAYA: But Even So

This unexpected display of quiet self-recrimination fully distracts Roxy’s focus from the earlier John debacle. Her friend is upset, and that’s what’s important in this moment.

ROXY: hey woa woa!  
ROXY: idrk wat happened with demographics and quotas etc but aint it fixed going forward?  
ROXY: or is something wrong with the mother grub  
KANAYA: No Nothing Like That  
KANAYA: The Mother Grub Herself Is Fine  
ROSE: But the governmental quotas haven’t been repealed, and they apply to natural births as well.  
ROSE: To the distress of eugenicist bean counters everywhere, however, natural births aren’t quite so controllable as cloning. A significant number of eggs in each clutch are considered “surplus” and, therefore, illegal.  
ROXY: wat do they want u to do with illegal eggs  
ROSE: ...  
KANAYA: Weve Been Ordered To Reduce The Number Of Eggs Gestated During Each Cycle  
KANAYA: Which Is How You Know The Law Was Written By Humans Because Its Blatantly Impossible Seriously Just Ask Any Troll  
KANAYA: As A Result Of Our “Seditious Failure” To Defy The Laws Of Physics And Biology We Have Instead Been Instructed To  
KANAYA: And I Quote  
KANAYA: “Get Rid Of Them Or Else”  
ROXY: jfC that aint cool  
KANAYA: Yes Mass Infanticide Directives Extremely Aint Cool  
KANAYA: But Weve Found A Workaround  
ROXY: oh?  
ROSE: With extensive alchemization, we found a way to suspend the eggs in temporal stasis. Now, whenever a clutch is too large to satisfy the constant stream of armed overseers, we “freeze” some of them to hatch at a future date.  
ROSE: By the way, if Dave ever asks where his timetables went, tell him it was for a good cause.  
ROXY: phew  
ROXY: well that sounds like itll work until u can get the laws changed  
KANAYA: Yes But It Is Only A Stopgap Solution  
KANAYA: The Number Of Suspended Eggs Increases Every Day And Despite Jades Assistance Theres Only So Much Space In The Caverns To Store Them  
ROSE: What’s more, we don’t know that long-term stasis will have no damaging effects on a grub. It’s probable, but not certain.  
ROSE: And, of course, there’s the ethical dilemmas inherent in fast-forwarding sapient individuals through time without their consent...

Rose sighs as she plops backward on the couch and holds Vriska close to her chest. Kanaya makes a displeased sound as well.

KANAYA: Its Just A Quandary All Around  
ROXY: yeh  
ROXY: im sry guys this rly rly does sound like a sucky situation  
ROXY: cant u ask the government to change the laws tho?  
ROXY: ur literally the creators theyd listen to u

Kanaya laughs. It’s a short, dry sound that’s not entirely without humor.

KANAYA: Creator Or Not Im Still A Troll  
ROSE: And I’m a troll’s wife, which is even worse.  
ROXY: oh cmon it cant be THAT bad  
ROSE: You’re right. It’s worse.  
ROSE: There’s a significant amount of pressure to maintain the status quo, and since one of the “good” Creators is involved in that campaign...  
ROXY: wait what  
ROXY: who

Rose raises a skeptical eyebrow. She looks out the window, and Roxy follows her gaze. Even from this distance, the tip of Crocker Spire can be seen on the horizon.

ROSE: Jane’s economic powerhouse has a vested interest in limiting the troll population.  
ROSE: She’s spoken publicly and repeatedly about the need for “responsible troll reproduction,” which, in short, means more frozen eggs.  
KANAYA: Im Surprised She Hasnt Subjected You To Her Lecture On Equality Versus Equity  
ROSE: Since a number of representatives are in her pocket, there’s little chance the quotas will be repealed. But if she changed her mind, they’d be gone within the hour.  
ROXY: hm

The revelation that Jane is involved, and on the opposite side from Rose and Kanaya, complicates matters. Roxy had been ready to jump on board to help fix this obvious injustice, but... if Jane is against the idea, how bad can the situation really be? There must be another side to the story which Roxy’s been missing. Nothing’s ever quite so simple.

ROSE: On that subject...  
ROSE: We’ve, erm.  
KANAYA: Weve Been Meaning To Talk To You About This For Some Time Roxy  
ROXY: u have?  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: We Believe The Best Course Of Immediate Action Is To Attempt To Change Janes Mind Regarding The Quotas  
KANAYA: Its Unlikely To Succeed But Would Be By Far The Cleanest Outcome  
ROXY: sounds good  
ROXY: u should talk to her! maybe u guys can work something out  
ROSE: We did, and she wasn’t particularly receptive to our ideas.  
ROSE: It wasn’t terribly surprising. Jane isn’t particularly close to us, so there’s no reason our words should have undue impact on her worldview.  
ROSE: You, however...

Roxy gulps. She doesn’t like the turn this conversation is taking,

KANAYA: Jane Has Been Close To You For Her Entire Life Roxy  
KANAYA: So You May Have Better Luck Than We Did  
ROSE: While she has rebuffed our attempts at dialogue, she may be more amenable to a humanitarian request from her best friend.  
ROSE: You’re the one person alive who might have a hope of persuading her.  
ROSE: That’s our request, Roxy. Talk to Jane on our behalf. Try to get her to see things from our perspective.  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: guys this is...  
ROXY: kind of a big thing ur asking me to do here

Kanaya leans forward and clasps her hands. Her tone is almost pleading.

KANAYA: Roxy  
KANAYA: You Created The Mother Grubs Egg And Saved The Future Of Our Species  
KANAYA: We All Owe You A Great Debt Which We Can Never Repay  
KANAYA: Now Please  
KANAYA: Help Us Ensure That We Can Make Proper Use Of Your Gift  
KANAYA: Not Just For Me And Rose  
KANAYA: For All The Billions Of Unborn Trolls Who Will Call This World Home In The Years To Come

Roxy frowns as she decides what to say next.

On the one hand, she’s sympathetic to Rose and Kanaya’s cause. Their distress is genuine, and if there are any easy ways out of this population control mess, she doesn’t see them. Even if the situation isn’t as bad as they say, their case has obvious merit. The thought of countless troll eggs suspended in time indefinitely isn’t a pretty one.

On the other hand, she’s not comfortable taking responsibility for a political situation of such importance, let alone one she doesn’t fully understand. Jane’s experienced at this, and she’s not stupid, so there must be some sensible reason to oppose the removal of the quotas. There’s a real chance that Roxy’s appeal would only serve to tick Jane off, so why take the risk?

Beyond that... Roxy has her own life to deal with. She’s going to give birth in a month. That task would be hard enough without the fact that not even half an hour ago, her husband went on a tirade about how this world might not be real, cast doubt on the idea that he can live contentedly with her, and fucked off into the sky. Even if she fully bought into Rose and Kanaya’s position, could she really find the time and energy needed to become an effective advocate for it?

No. It’s just not fair to place the burden on her shoulders, and if their positions were reversed, she’s sure Rose and Kanaya would agree. It’s unfortunate, but this is one conflict they’ll have to resolve without her.

ROXY: sry guys  
ROXY: i dont think i can help u out on this one  
KANAYA: Why Not

Roxy considers how to phrase her reasoning. She owes them some sort of explanation, but can’t very well tell them that Jane might be right, considering how invested they are in the topic. Making it about her pregnancy wouldn’t work either, since they’re parents themselves. She also can’t go too into detail, or they might try to change her mind, and she can’t deal with that right now. Eventually, she comes up with an explanation that’s simple, inarguable, and impersonal.

ROXY: i just dont rly  
ROXY: care about politics that much i guess

Kanaya opens her mouth as if to speak, but slowly closes it again. Her eyes narrow as she takes a long breath through her nose.

KANAYA: I See

Kanaya leans back onto the couch. The only sign of emotion on her face is a slight knit of her brow. Rose is wearing a similar expression, differentiated only by a thin frown at one corner of her mouth. Even the grub looks disappointed.

ROXY: sry to let u guys down  
ROXY: its just that janes my bestie and i dont think it would--  
ROSE: You don’t need to justify yourself, Roxy. We understand.

Their faces haven’t changed. After an uncomfortable moment of silence, Roxy decides to change the topic to something less controversial.

ROXY: ummmmm  
ROXY: have u been watching the kolhii playoffs? i think the iguana bros have a real chance this year!  
ROSE: Ah, yes. The sports.  
KANAYA: Please Tell Us About The Sports  
ROXY: right! so ive been distracting myself from this whole pregnancy thing by keeping up with the matches...

Their conversation continues on for another hour or so while they wait for John to return. It remains civil and polite, but whenever Rose and Kanaya smile, it never quite reaches their eyes.


	14. Epilogue Four, Part Three

Roxy leans her head out the car window and feels the breeze whip through her hair. John’s ‘driving’ with his wind powers, since his car hasn’t actually worked in years. It’s late at night back home, but here the sun is just beginning to rise above the endless meadows.

Roxy’s mood hasn’t been great lately, since she’s about to give birth and all, but tonight’s been a mess for a smörgåsbord of reasons. As her pregnancy nears its completion, she’s been sleeping less and less, hitting a new low of three hours last night. Her computer bluescreened during a gaming session and she lost an entire hour’s progress. The biscuits she made for dinner burned and she was forced to reheat some leftover pizza. She finished reading a book and thought the ending was offensively stupid — zombies shouldn’t be introduced in the last five pages of a detective novel!

Also, she’s heading over to witness the resurrection of a dead teenage duplicate of her sister-in-law who fell out of the sky. So there’s that.

JOHN: this is completely ridiculous.  
ROXY: omg i KNOW  
ROXY: how tf could something like this happen? ik yall met ur altselves a few times in sburbland but iirc human meteorites stabbed by space itself are a new one  
JOHN: what? no. well, yes, the whole jade thing is really, really weird, don’t get me wrong.  
JOHN: i meant jane’s place. it’s just so...  
JOHN: hey rose, what’s a good synonym for big?

Rose pipes up from the back seat, where she, Kanaya, and Vriska have been quiet for the entire ride.

ROSE: Megalithic?  
JOHN: yeah, exactly. it’s megalithic as fuck.

Jane usually lives at the Spire, but when the mood for more rustic living strikes her, she moves her family out to her estate in the central Human Kingdom. The city block-sized fountain out front features a statue of Jane striking a cheerful, confident pose. Meticulously trimmed topiaries in the shapes of cakes, spoons, and upward-trending stock charts dot the spaces between the guard towers. There’s a spacious pasture out back with some of the best-bred horses and most beautiful trails in the world, just in case Jane ever decides she wants to try riding, which she never has.

ROXY: ya janey likes the high life lmao  
JOHN: she can’t possibly use all of this. why on earth would anyone need so much space?  
ROXY: mostly 2 impress the guests i figure  
ROXY: gotta leave a good impression on friends family and prospective clients  
ROXY: id say shes pulling out all the stops but lets be real her stops were never in  
JOHN: haha.  
ROXY: maybe the novelty wears thin if u actually live here but theres a real wow factor for the newcomers  
ROXY: i know im sure as fuck wowed  
ROXY: cuz its not like we come here much lol  
JOHN: pfft. that’s not an accident.  
ROXY: wdym  
JOHN: jane and i, uh...  
JOHN: you know what, it’s not important.  
ROXY: if u say so honey

John’s been a little quiet ever since his outburst last month, but it’s possible Roxy’s just imagining it. He hasn’t voiced any more worries about reality being fake and Lord English and whatnot. Roxy considered bringing the incident up to clear the air, but decided against it; there’s no reason to suspect it wasn’t just a one-time stress bomb, and since she and John are about to be new parents, she can’t risk doing anything that might cause tension between them. If John is happy, his worries will go away on their own. She just has to make that happen.

Rose and Kanaya, however... Roxy’s interaction with them in the last few weeks has been limited to some polite laughs whenever she posts a cat meme in the group chat. She’s worried they were offended by her refusal to commit to their cause, but she can’t change her mind since her reasons have only intensified. They did accept Jane’s invitation to tonight’s event, however, so maybe that means they’re on better terms with her now? With any luck, this whole situation with the mother grub will just blow over and they can all go back to being friends again.

John parks the car outside the twenty-foot ivory doors of Jane’s mansion. Its occupants walk inside to meet Dave and Karkat in the antechamber. While most of Jane’s buildings are red-themed, every surface of this one glistens with spotless white marble that almost hurts to look at. The only splotches of color are tiny rainbows from the prismatic skylight high above, two potted red tulips at the base of the staircase, and — Roxy realizes with some discomfort — small drops of blood on the tiles leading up.

Vriska grabs one of Karkat’s horns with surprising strength when Kanaya carries her too close to him, and he throws one of his patented Vantrums that makes everyone laugh. Perhaps to recover his dignity, Karkat stays behind for a little while as the group heads upstairs to Jane’s bedroom, and John and Dave elect to keep him company.

The dead teen Jade is splayed out on Jane’s king size bed. A jagged black piece of _something,_ which impossibly looks the same from any angle, sticks out of her chest right in the middle of her outfit’s Space symbol. Jane and Adult Jade are leaning over the body. At the other end of the room, Gamzee is leaning seductively against the doorframe to the en suite, while Jake is trying to make sure baby Tavros doesn’t face the gory scene.

ROXY: were here!  
JANE: At last!

Jane stands up and beams at Roxy. She’s wearing her old Maid of Life garb, which makes this the first time in years that Roxy’s seen her without a business suit on.

JANE: You’re just in time. Everything’s ready.  
JANE: Hoo hoo hoo! It’s been too long since I had an audience for a resurrection, I’d forgotten how exciting it is!

Roxy cracks a smile to see Jane so in her element. Jade, however, looks a little queasy.

JANE: Let’s see what my teenage daughter has to say for herself.  
JANE: Ladies and gentlemen, behold!

With a dramatic flourish, Jane raises her right fist and channels her power into it. The crackling blue light from her energy field is at once intense and soft. She casts her hand out toward Dead Jade, and with the sound of trees growing and flowers blooming, the energy flows into the mangled corpse in a river of pure Life.

Jane grins and claps her hands. From the bathroom doorway, Gamzee gives a pair of supportive whoops. Roxy leans forward, eagerly awaiting Jade’s eyes to flutter open and lungs to begin heaving.

After a few seconds pass without anything happening, Jane’s grin is replaced by a puzzled frown.

JANE: That’s unusual...

She channels power into her hand again, this time without the flourish, and launches it toward Jade. She maintains the stream longer this time, perhaps concerned that the first blast was too weak.

When nothing still insists on happening, Jane growls. Roxy can tell that it’s been a long time since she’s been defied like this, but momentary failure has only ever renewed her zeal. Her whole body starts to glow, wreathed in vibrant blue flame, and her eyes flash with lightning. Gamzee honks in fascination.

Jane blasts the corpse with a cascade of power. She doesn’t stop. The energy fills every pore of Jade’s body, saturating it with resurrection like a sponge with water. The lights in the room start to flicker as Jane continues her onslaught. Her power isn’t gentle or soft anymore; it’s a maelstrom of life, of twisting roots and choking vines springing up in an instant to consume all of creation. This resurrection isn’t a gift, it’s a _commandment._ It’s a decree by reality itself which cannot but be obeyed.

Jane’s face becomes more and more strained. When her stance starts to waver, Gamzee steps forward to steady her. Her concentration is finally broken by her son’s piercing wail as Vriska yanks on his hair. The room’s colors return to normal as the flood of energy fades away. Jane leans over, exhausted, for a fraction of a second, then whips her head up with ire to face her screaming toddler. Jake, standing in the line of fire of Jane’s withering glare, laughs nervously and scratches his head as John, Dave, and an ear-plugging Karkat walk into the room.

JANE: Jake!

Roxy’s a bit taken aback by the ferocity in Jane’s voice. Are these two doing alright? She quickly rationalizes it away by remembering that Jane’s not in the best place right now, especially considering what just happened. They’re probably much sweeter most of the time.

JANE: Would you take Tavros out of here? Please?  
JAKE: Well golly jane i just thought it would be invigorating for the boy to interact with someone else his age for once.  
JANE: Well, he doesn’t need to do it in here. Especially not when I’m trying to work!  
GAMZEE: HeY nOw ElIxIrTiTs, YoU oUgHt To ChIlL.  
GAMZEE: YeLlInG aT yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg MaTeSpRiT iS...  
GAMZEE: bAd FoR tHe BlOoD pReSsUrE, bAbE.

That’s actually pretty sound advice, Roxy thinks. A kismesis is supposed to keep your worst impulses in check, right? Is that how quadrants work? It’s still really weird to think about, but maybe this three-way situation Jane has going on is emotionally healthy after all.

JANE: Oh, I’m sorry. Is a clown speaking right now?  
JANE: It’s the darndest thing. I could have sworn I just heard a nearby, offensively odiferous clown offering some advice when no one asked for his opinion.

Yikes, or not.

ROXY: woah janey u doin ok

Roxy doesn’t just mean here and now, in the wake of a dramatic failure which Jane must be embarrassed about. She means in general. Is Jane doing okay, with all the shit she has to deal with? She’s got more irons in the fire, as Original Vriska would have put it, than anyone else in the room, and it’s got to be hard on her.

JANE: I... I don’t know.  
JANE: I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately, trying to run my business, raise a child, and manage the political situation indirectly through various corporate machinations...

This moment of vulnerability evaporates suddenly as Jane remembers her need to be a dominating presence in the room. She snaps to attention and glares at her husband.

JANE: Jake! Why are the children still in here?!  
JANE: Take them to the playroom. Now!  
JAKE: Aye aye maam!

Jake waddles out, looking like a scarecrow as he holds Tavros and Vriska out on opposite sides of his body. Roxy’s been concerned for his well-being, but he’s never had to reach out to her and Jane knows what she’s doing in their marriage, so he’ll probably be okay. Situations which look bad on the surface are often much too deep to be casually judged.

Jane hunches over Dead Jade again. Like flipping a switch, the anger in her face turns to grief. Her eyes are kind. No one could doubt that the woman behind her queenly mask is loving and good.

JANE: I don’t know why, but I’m having an extremely difficult time reviving her.  
JANE: Where did she even come from?  
JADE: we have no idea  
JADE: its like the sky just opened up!  
KANAYA: Well Obviously She Is From Another Timeline  
KANAYA: Darling Can You Perhaps Shed Some Light On This

Rose’s face scrunches up in contemplation. A few seconds pass in silence as she looks around the room.

ROSE: I...  
ROSE: I haven’t the faintest clue.  
ROSE: It could be anything.

Some help you are, Roxy thinks, then immediately feels bad for thinking. She doesn’t _want_ to be bitter towards her mom, but can’t help it because her powers are only unreliable when it really matters. And if Rose isn’t even pretending to have the answers, things must be really weird.

JANE: Well, something is blocking my Life powers.  
JANE: It’s as if she has... a sort of poison in her. Not a literal poison, mind you.  
JANE: If it were as simple a matter as there being something in her bloodstream, I could revive her lickety-split.  
JANE: It’s deeper than that.  
JANE: It’s like... a poison eating away at the very core of her being.  
JANE: It’s attacking her on... perhaps this sounds crazy, but...  
JANE: A metaphysical level??

Oh, for fuck’s sake. More meta stuff? What is Roxy thinking, of course it’s more meta stuff. Meta stuff just keeps plaguing her life with new heaps of trouble and doesn’t ever stop. Jane was the one friend she had whom she never expected to get wrapped up in that web, but it seems not even she can escape the swarming cascade of bullshit.

JADE: huh?  
JANE: What’s so odd is that not only can I not bring her back to life, she also, somehow, doesn’t feel entirely dead.  
JADE: oh  
JADE: i wonder if that has something to do with me?  
JADE: like, being here???  
JANE: How so?  
JADE: well... all of our selves across infinite timelines are actually just one self right?  
JADE: like... one ultimate self distributed across multiple bodies  
JADE: so in multiple places and states at once

Roxy’s never liked the theory of the Ultimate Self. Sure, there are other Roxys out there, but what they do is their own business. Their developmental experiences were radically different from her own, and she can’t access those experiences, so why should she consider them hers? If parts of her are fundamentally unchangeable and could only ever have turned out one way, then that’s not a timeline thing, it’s just normal personality and identity stuff.

JADE: every jade that exists is like a light being shined through a thousand cracks in the timeline  
JADE: but if were outside the place where that light is being split from...  
JADE: maybe only one of us can exist  
JADE: and thats why shes stuck in this horrible state :(

Jade’s relationship with the concept of the Ultimate Self is probably very different from Roxy’s, considering the dreadful hand she was dealt by Paradox Space. Perhaps it’s more comforting to think of all the experiences she missed out on as still belonging to her. Right now, though, the idea is only causing Jade pain, so Roxy reaches out a comforting hand and scratches her friend’s head.

ROXY: i thiiiink that janey was just bein melodramatic jade  
ROXY: its not ur fault

It’s better to focus on the corporeal, because that’s the only thing which can be controlled. The path going forward is all that matters. Jade, leaning over the body with tears in her eyes, knows this.

JADE: what should we do with her?

Roxy, perking up, claps as she prepares to deliver her proposal. This Jade’s death is sad, sure, but it’s also an opportunity! Rose mentioned once that one of her strongest memories of her mom was at her cat’s funeral, and this little group certainly needs something to bond over, so the solution is pretty obvious.

ROXY: well  
ROXY: hate to be the one who says what were all thinkin but...  
ROXY: sounds like its time for another funeral lmao  
JOHN: lmao??  
JOHN: roxy, jade is dead, and you’re probably going to give birth within the week!  
ROXY: yeah so we gotta start planning this one right now

It’s just common sense! Dead Jade needs to be memorialized. Roxy’s squabbling friends need to work together on something. Two birds with one stone, and everybody wins! Nothing weird about it at all.

JADE: ???  
ROXY: cmon guys  
ROXY: how longs it been since we were all together like this?

Roxy searches her friends’ faces, expecting to find support, but she’s met only with vacant stares. Her grin only widens as panic starts to rise in her chest. She doesn’t know how, but she’s apparently making an ass of herself. Does she look stupid? She has to keep pushing, though, or she’ll look weak on top of that.

KARKAT: I’M SORRY, WAS THAT A RHETORICAL FUCKING QUESTION OR WERE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE WITH IT?  
ROXY: it was not rhetorical at all  
ROXY: the last time we were all together was  
ROXY: dirks funeral!

John shoots Roxy a confused glance. She remembers suddenly that they were all in one place at her wedding _and_ Jane’s wedding. Jesus Christ, she needs more sleep.

JANE: Roxy, at the time, we were mourning the death of a dear friend...  
ROXY: i know right  
ROXY: nothin like the death of someone we love to bring us all together again  
ROXY: weve all been so busy with being pregnant and birthin a thousand trolls and the political situation that regulates the troll birthin...  
ROXY: we dont even have time to catch up anymore :(

The merit of having a funeral isn’t as obvious as she expected, so maybe a more overt approach will work. They’re all _friends,_ remember? They care about each other more than anything. They don’t always agree, but the bonds they share are more important.

Even now, though, it seems they’ve forgotten that. Rose and Kanaya are glaring at Jane, sizing her up like wolves would a horned stag. Jane meets their gaze, not aggressive but still dangerous.

The clock in the hallway ticks, ticks, ticks. Its echoes resound through the hallway.

JANE: Um. Roxy...

Shit. Shit. Roxy has to force her muscles not to scrunch up in terror as she watches her friend group fracture before her eyes.

KANAYA: Perhaps We Should Not Talk About That Particular Subject  
KANAYA: If Your Concern Here Is That We All Continue To Be In The Same Room Its Probably Best We Avoid Bringing Attention To The Reasons That It So Rarely Happens

Her voice could freeze a hot spring.

It’s the exact same tone she used to say “I see” to Roxy last month. If there was any doubt whether Kanaya’s affection had turned to disdain, it’s now gone.

ROXY: aw cmon politics should never get between friends

There’s an implicit plea in her statement. Can’t they all just get along? Please don’t be mad at Roxy, she was just trying to help! She just wanted to be the peacekeeper! She didn’t mean to cause any harm, please, please don’t get angry! Shit!

KARKAT: UH, EASY FOR YOU TO FUCKING SAY.

_Shit!_

JADE: karkat... lets not ok?  
JADE: i mean, not now?  
KARKAT: LET’S NOT WHAT?  
KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT THE GIANT FUCKING TRUMPET BEAST IN THE ROOM?

Oh, god. Here it comes. Roxy tried to hold the group together and she only made things worse. She’s so stupid. She’s so fucking _stupid!_ Why does she try to do anything?

KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW KANAYA, TEREZI AND I WORKED JUST AS HARD TO CREATE THIS WORLD AS ANY OF YOU, BUT OUR PEOPLE DON’T EVEN GET A SAY IN HOW THEY GOVERN THEMSELVES?  
KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW THE CRIMES OF ALTERNIA ARE HELD UP TO UNFAIR SCRUTINY ANY TIME A TROLL WANTS TO FUCKING DO OR SAY SOMETHING ON THE NEWS, BUT WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GENERALIZE HUMANS BASED ON THE WORST THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR HISTORY?  
KARKAT: LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT HOW ALTERNIA WAS BASICALLY THE SACRIFICIAL FUCKING MILKBEAST UPON THE ALTAR THAT THIS UNIVERSE WAS BUILT ON, BUT YOU ALL ACT LIKE WE’RE SO LUCKY YOU DEIGNED TO ALLOW US TO EXIST ALONGSIDE YOU INSTEAD OF JUST LETTING US FUCKING DIE OUT THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED?

...Wait, what the fuck is Karkat talking about? Where is this coming from? This isn’t relevant to the conversation at all, and Roxy’s never heard anyone say the kinds of things he’s accusing them of. Does he _want_ to have a fight? He’s completely out of line!

ROXY: um excuse you karkat but no one acts like that  
KARKAT: OH? NO ONE???

Karkat’s all worked up now, ready to rip anything in his path to splinters between his sharp teeth. He launches a pointing finger at Jane so firmly that Roxy’s surprised his shoulder doesn’t dislocate.

KARKAT: I LISTEN TO THE FUCKING NEWS, YOU KNOW. I’VE HEARD ALL THE ARGUMENTS, THE ONES BASED ON THE POLICY ADVICE YOUR CORPORATE THINK TANK FEEDS THE PRESIDENT.  
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK THAT IT’S BEING BROADCAST AT A FREQUENCY ONLY HUMANS CAN HEAR OR SOMETHING? DO YOU THINK WE’RE THAT STUPID?  
KARKAT: EVEN I CAN TELL THAT THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE TROLL KINGDOM IS CHANGING, AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE WILLINGLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH MY NEIGHBORS. EVERYONE’S STARTING TO GET SCARED.  
KARKAT: MORE THAN THAT, THEY’RE STARTING TO GET PISSED.

This has officially gone too far, Roxy thinks. Fights between friends are bad enough, but insinuations of revolution are _way_ beyond the pale! Why is Karkat doing this? He must know he looks like a complete lunatic!

Jane was hesitant earlier when dealing with Rose and Kanaya, but right now Karkat’s just a rabid animal, and that at least makes him a known quantity. She responds with admirable composure and decorum in the face of his aggression.

JANE: Is this meant to be a threat of future violence, Mr. Vantas?  
JANE: I’m not sure menacing me is making the most compelling case for your political claims.

Jane’s right! What’s Karkat going to do, attack her? Violence is never the answer, and he’d only hurt his own cause! Even he must realize that!

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU ALL FUCKING HEARING THIS?  
JANE: Yes, Karkat, we are all most definitely hearing this. It’s somewhat unavoidable with you shouting it all at the top of your lungs.  
KARKAT: SORRY, I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE KIND OF DIFFICULT FOR YOU TO HEAR ME, WHAT WITH YOUR HEAD SHOVED ALL THE WAY UP YOUR *BIG*, **FAT**, ***ASS***!!!  
ROXY: woah damn

Jesus Christ, this is a shitshow. Karkat’s throwing a tantrum and the adults in the room need to give him a fucking time-out. Jane’s not the cartoon villain he’s throwing needlessly petty attacks at! Of course she cares about trolls! If she didn’t, would she keep Gamzee by her side?

As if to prove Roxy’s unspoken point, Gamzee steps out to shield Jane from Karkat’s spitting rage. The tension in the room hasn’t made him abandon his casual slouch, and the sight of his preternatural chillness almost makes Roxy feel less stressed. Almost.

GAMZEE: hEy BrOtHeR cHiLl OuT  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF GAMZEE.  
GAMZEE: wOaH wOaH, kArKaT mY DUDE wHy ArE yOu AlL lAsHiNg OuT aNd ShIt?  
GAMZEE: i ThOuGhT wE wErE mOtHeRfUcKiNg GoOd.  
KARKAT: NO, WE ARE NOT “MOTHERFUCKING GOOD...”

Karkat launches into another tirade, which Roxy tunes out as she closes her eyes and presses her hands against her temples. Her head is throbbing.

Everything’s going so wrong. Her friends were supposed to get along, but now they hate each other more than Roxy had feared possible. She just wants to go home and sleep. She wants to relax, she wants to unwind, she wants...

...

Roxy realizes, with a sinking feeling, that she really, really wants a drink.

It’s been a long time since she felt this way. She’s been sober for almost eight years, and most of the time it’s easy to forget she spent her early to mid-teens in a perpetual drunken haze. Sometimes she would have an overwhelming urge to fall off the wagon, but she stayed well clear of anything which could tempt her to do so. And during her lowest moments, Calliope was there to comfort her.

This is something she’ll never be over completely. She never thought otherwise, even while she stupidly hoped her world could magically become a utopia. But god _damn,_ is this ever the worst possible time to wish she could relapse. Even without the obvious pregnancy thing.

Although... it’s mostly alcohol use early in pregnancy which causes problems, right? Is that how it works? Harry Anderson’s only a week out, it won’t hurt if she indulges _juuuust_ a—

Roxy has to grab her wrist to stop herself from slapping her own cheek.

The pain snaps her back to reality. Karkat’s still yelling at Gamzee, who has sunken to the floor in a posture of absolute pity and despair. Gamzee’s weeping eyes could move even the flintiest heart.

KARKAT: ...BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.  
KARKAT: AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU EVEN DID WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE!

That’s hardly fair, is it? Gamzee’s been on his holy redemption crusade or whatever for a whole year, and the worst thing he’s done since popping out of the fridge is swear a bunch. People say he’s a changed clown. No matter how greasy and slimy he continues to act in person.

ROXY: woah ok karkat i get ur all fired up about politics and stuff but lay off gamz ok  
JANE: Yes, can’t you see that he’s sincerely trying to have a redemption arc?  
ROXY: i get if u dont wanna forgive him that totes your business  
ROXY: but you gotta at least admit that hes makin an effort here

Because _Roxy’s_ trying to admit that, dammit. Everyone says she has to, so she doesn’t have a choice. She never even met the guy before last April, but Karkat’s his oldest friend, so if he can let bygones be bygones, it means she can too. If not...

GAMZEE: hOnK.  
KARKAT: THAT’S!!!  
KARKAT: IT!!!!!!

Karkat points at Jane, then Roxy, then Gamzee. Being subjected to his finger of judgement feels like staring down the barrel of a gun.

KARKAT: FUCK YOU, AND YOU, AND ESPECIALLY YOU.  
KARKAT: IN FACT, FUCK ALL OF YOU. I’M LEAVING!

Helpless to intervene, but knowing that Karkat’s departure is probably for the best, Roxy watches her friend — if she can still call him that — storm out of the room. Dave tries to stop him but gets shoved backward for his efforts.

DAVE: dude  
KARKAT: WHAT PART OF “ALL OF YOU” DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, STRIDER?  
KARKAT: ARE YOU AS DEAF AS YOU ARE STUPID?  
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Dave, as stunned as Roxy is that Karkat is mad at him too, lets him pass. He remains as still as a statue for a few beats afterward, mouth half-open in surprise.

JADE: dave what the FUCK did you say to him downstairs?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: nothing?  
DAVE: tbh i think hes been holding all that in for a while

No one says anything for a while. The only sounds are the ticking of the clock and the echoes of Karkat’s stomping footsteps, punctuated by a slammed door. The room’s inhabitants stare at the floor in various mixtures of frustration, concern, and befuddlement.

Is this Roxy’s fault? Should she never have suggested... No. No, Karkat’s just being an asshole. He’ll get over it. All her friends will get over their hangups with each other if they can only realize how silly they’re being! And Roxy can help make that happen by placing them in the right environment. This funeral is still a great idea. She just needs someone else to back her up.

With fortuitous timing, Jake reenters the room with the children in tow. He’s apparently had a marvelous calming effect on the two children; he’s giving a piggyback ride to Vriska, who’s wearing a drowsy smile of pure contentedness, and Tavros is sound asleep. It warms Roxy’s heart to see how good of a father Jake must be.

JAKE: By jove chaps what was all that commotion?  
JANE: It was nothing, Jake. Go back to the playroom.  
ROXY: no wait  
ROXY: jake were havin another funeral  
ROXY: we dont got much time so im appointing you officially third in charge of the planning committee  
ROXY: after me and callie obvs

That’s another reason why this funeral needs to happen: to lure Calliope out! She’s been a total ghost for months. She never calls, she never texts, she never leaves her apartment... Honestly, she reminds Roxy of how John was before he chose to be with her. Just like John did, Callie will resurface as soon as she's given a purpose.

JOHN: oh my god, roxy, are you really serious about this funeral idea?  
ROXY: yeah why wouldnt i be?  
JOHN: christ.  
JOHN: i’m all for like, honoring the memory of this departed version of teen jade we barely know, but...  
JOHN: you’re SO pregnant!  
ROXY: yea im pregnant as shit but i dont see anybody else steppin up to the plate

As usual, it falls to Roxy to be the mediator of the team. It’s what she’s always done. Somebody has to keep these knuckleheads from falling apart, and it might as well be her, personal sacrifice be damned.

ROSE: Roxy, I understand the sentiment, but are you really sure it’s...  
ROSE: Appropriate?  
ROXY: yup  
ROXY: its even more appropriate now  
ROXY: after all the bullshit thats happened we need a good bash for the sake of team unity

C’mon, guys, please, Roxy wants to say. It’s for your own good! It’s not even about what Roxy wants, even though she’s had a really bad day and _does_ want it really badly, but _she’s_ not the one who’s forgotten what friendship means.

KANAYA: I Admit To Still Being Ignorant Regarding Many Aspects Of Human Culture  
KANAYA: But A Funeral Is Not What I Would Call  
KANAYA: “A Bash”  
ROXY: lmao thats cuz youve got no imagination kanaya  
ROXY: well make sure its lit AF right jake  
JAKE: Golly i do love me a good soiree no matter the circumstance.  
JAKE: Id be chuffed to the nines to be your third man on this one rox.

Hell yeah, at least _someone_ is supporting her! Jake’s a good friend, and Roxy’s glad that he’s finally learned to resist everyone’s peer pressure.

ROXY: then its official  
ROXY: this time next week well corpse party like its the end of the world!  
ROXY: er  
ROXY: again!!

Roxy fist-pumps the air and looks around the room with a big, bright grin. There’s a long silence. Everyone but Jake looks at her like she’s an idiot, and maybe she is, but no one objects.

JANE: How is it that no matter how hard I try to keep the foolishness in my life confined exclusively to my romantic partners...  
JANE: I invariably find myself surrounded by clowns regardless?  
GAMZEE: hOnK.

Roxy lowers her fist, but maintains her energetic smile.

This is going to be awesome! In a sad, pensive sort of way, but still awesome. They’ll have a good cry, and they’ll rediscover their roots, and they’ll set aside their differences and have a great big hug.

Roxy’s going to make it happen, because otherwise... well, there’s no point entertaining that thought. They’ll all be friends again. They have to be.


	15. Epilogue Four, Part Four

JOHN: i still think it’s a bad idea.  
ROXY: lmao wat r u worried about? its gonna be great!

It’s the morning of the funeral, and the Egberts are eating breakfast at their kitchen table. The meal was prepared by John, who’s taken over duties like that as Roxy’s pregnancy has progressed. Despite an unfortunate initial showing — his first attempt at waffles nearly destroyed their house — he’s learned quickly and has become a surprisingly good cook. It must be the Crocker genes.

JOHN: what am i worried about? well, for starters...  
JOHN: dirk was your guys’s best friend, so it made sense to have a funeral for him. it was a good one, too, at least until gamzee started... being gamzee.  
JOHN: but how are we supposed to feel about this dead jade? we didn’t even know her!  
ROXY: shes literally ur sister!  
JOHN: well, yes, but also no?  
JOHN: like, adult jade is my sister. and even though teen jade has her face, and most of her life span i guess, she doesn’t feel like jade.  
JOHN: we didn’t even know she existed until last week!  
JOHN: i can’t even bring myself to be that sad about her.  
JOHN: she just doesn’t feel... real.

Roxy’s a bit surprised at John’s attitude towards the realness attribute of alternate selves. Didn’t he reassure Rose and Calliope by saying the exact opposite thing, long ago on the lilypad in the Medium? It’s an odd reversal, but she’s going to choose to think it’s not indicative of anything larger.

JOHN: like all the other doomed duplicates of ourselves, i guess.  
JOHN: actually, do i have any of those?  
JOHN: oh yeah, there was the one who took a short cut to see typheus, and then dated vriska i think, and then died again.  
JOHN: and also the other john i met on your planet. who also went to see typheus i guess.  
JOHN: did he die? i don’t remember if i ever found out.  
JOHN: maybe he was erased from reality?  
JOHN: but either way, i’ve never really felt the need to mourn them.  
ROXY: ya well thats part of why we gotta do this now!  
ROXY: u + me dont have many dead doubles but our friends do  
ROXY: theres like a metric fuckton of dead daves out there  
ROXY: which is just a normal fuckton in earth c standards because nobody was stupid enough to invent the imperial system this time around  
ROXY: tho tbh sometimes i still think in inches and feet cuz old habits die hard. also i miss farenheit  
ROXY: but anyway the POINT is imagine all the suffering and pain that all those altselves went through!  
ROXY: all of which was tragically forgotten because we never had to see or think abt them  
ROXY: but now we do cause we have a doomed jade right here  
ROXY: she can be like  
ROXY: an embodiment  
ROXY: a memorial symbolizing all of the other doomed usses  
ROXY: by honoring her were really honoring all the ppl who died along the way!  
JOHN: hm.

Admittedly, Roxy’s making this up on the spot, but she finds herself surprisingly convinced by her own words. She doesn’t often choose to think of the alternate lives she and her friends could have lived, but all those lives are important to the ones who lived them and, in most cases, died in them. Shouldn’t they be commemorated?

John toys with his pork sausage. It’s lab-grown, of course, like nearly all meat is on Earth C, since this world’s advanced technology means that there are cheaper, easier, and more ethical alternatives to raising livestock. Nearly everyone considers the taste and texture indistinguishable from that of natural meat. The only ones who swear they can tell the difference are Jade, who has canine super-senses, and Jane, whose gourmet palate is up the wazoo. It’s one of the few things on which the two agree. Since Roxy was raised on a steady diet of pumpkins and alcohol, she’s more than happy with the science meat.

JOHN: is now really the best time, though, since you’re pregnant as fuck?  
JOHN: i think it would be better to wait until after the baby’s born.  
ROXY: john darling ilu but im p sure no ones life was ever made LESS busy by introducing a baby  
ROXY: i know were not getting v much sleep as is but once lil harry anderson comes along  
ROXY: hoo boy  
ROXY: it aint gonna be easy at least according 2 rose and kanaya  
JOHN: not jane, though.  
ROXY: yah not jane  
ROXY: shes “got people for that” apparently haha  
JOHN: ...haha.  
ROXY: and with all the preparations callie and ive done its gotta be today!  
ROXY: srsly trust me ur gonna be wowed  
ROXY: we cant call it off now i dont wanna break callies heart

Roxy’s talked with Calliope more in the past week than she had in the preceding six months. Just as she predicted, when offered the chance to throw a funeral with her, Callie threw herself into the project with abandon. She spent hours making sure that the floral arrangements were just right and that their respective speeches complemented each other thematically. She’s mentioned often how glad she is to see Roxy again. The feeling is mutual; she’s one of Roxy’s best friends, and Roxy doesn’t want to let her slip away.

JOHN: is it really a good idea to have karkat and jane in the same room right now, though?  
JOHN: you were at jane’s mansion last week, you saw how heated everyone got.  
JOHN: i’m worried that it could end up being really messy.  
ROXY: yea maybe but things would be even messier later!  
ROXY: before tensions boil over into complete stupidity we gotta sit everyone down and make them remember they all love each other  
ROXY: karkats just being a jackass hes gonna calm down and thingsll go back to normal

Karkat’s conflict with Jane is bad enough already, but if things keep going, he might do something that can never be taken back. A healthy dose of friendship now might be the only thing that can save him. Even if it’s uncomfortable, sometimes an intervention is necessary to prevent friends from going down a dark path.

John looks like he wants to say something more on the subject, but apparently decides against it in favor of another entry in his litany of grievances.

JOHN: well... what about the weather?  
JOHN: it’s supposed to rain really hard today.  
ROXY: lmao babe  
ROXY: are YOU  
ROXY: of ALL people  
ROXY: complaining about the weather  
JOHN: ...wow, yeah. lol. it’s funny, the things you forget you can do.  
JOHN: do you want me to move the storm south?  
ROXY: nah its perfect!  
ROXY: dirks funeral was in a sad thunderstorm too so thisll be a nice motivic reprise and shit  
JOHN: then what about the--  
ROXY: john

Roxy puts her silverware down and waddles around behind John’s chair to wrap her arms around him. He tenses up, startled.

ROXY: joooooooohn  
JOHN: ...yes?  
ROXY: john i love you  
JOHN: ...i love you too, roxy, but--  
ROXY: i loooooooooooove you

John squeaks as Roxy starts to tickle him under the arm.

JOHN: i don’t really see how this is--  
ROXY: i love you i love you i love you  
JOHN: this doesn’t exactly address the--  
ROXY: i love you

Roxy’s fingers step up their tickling game as a devious grin splits her face.

JOHN: i juuuustahahaha!  
ROXY: i love love love LOOOOOVE you  
JOHN: hahaha!  
JOHN: haha... *wheeze*...  
JOHN: i guess there’s really no stopping you, huh.  
ROXY: nope! :D  
JOHN: oh well, i tried. c’mere, you.

John pulls her in for a kiss, which she happily returns. It’s tinged with exhaustion on both sides, but it’s still tender and sweet. They know each other well enough by now that kissing is almost like a dance. Each of them can respond to the other’s slightest movements in perfect sync. She sighs, and he flicks his tongue, and for the briefest of moments, all's right with the world.

When Roxy pulls back, John’s deep blue eyes seem... distant for a moment, like he’s looking straight through her to something beyond, though there’s nothing behind her but a teal wall. Perhaps noticing her curious expression, he shakes the hesitation from his eyes and smiles at her.

JOHN: if we have to do this, we should at least go in on full stomachs.  
JOHN: do you want more pancakes?  
ROXY: hell yea!  
ROXY: hey sweetie can u add some blueberries to this batch?  
JOHN: we used the last of the blueberries in the smoothies last night, remember?  
ROXY: fuck  
ROXY: wat about chocolate chips?

\---

This is the fourth time Roxy’s been to the Cathedral of Saint Leijon. There’s a sort of poetic balance in her experiences here, she thinks: two weddings in the sun, two funerals in the rain. This time, however, no organ music accompanies her entry. Jade wanted to keep this a private event, and Roxy felt she had the right to make that request.

In the absence of external music, Roxy hums to herself as she leads the procession down the aisle. Calliope accompanies her, almost at her side but a few steps behind. John and Jake follow with the body of their alt-relative. Jane refused to provide the same high-quality wood for this coffin as she did Dirk’s, citing expense, so this coffin is made out of simple white pine. Jake chopped the tree himself.

When she reaches the pulpit, Roxy turns to face the crowd, hoping to see her friends clustered at the front. To her dismay, they seem insistent not to acknowledge each other’s presence. On one side of the aisle, Jane looks up at Roxy with an expression that could be mistaken for boredom as Jake sits down next to her. On the other, John takes his seat next to Rose and Kanaya in front of Dave and Jade, while Karkat crosses his arms and scowls in isolation from much farther back. Gamzee honks as he swings the cathedral’s massive doors shut.

ROXY: thx everyone for joining us today

The storm nearly drowns out her words. The cathedral is even more poorly lit today than it was at Dirk’s funeral. Maybe she should have asked John to reduce the storm’s intensity after all, but it’s too late to go back now.

ROXY: we are gathered here to honor the memory of alternate universe jade  
ROXY: alas we hardly knew her  
ROXY: by which i mean we didnt know her at all  
ROXY: cuz she fell out of the sky like a week ago and was already dead  
ROXY: but i think that based on our long acquaintanceship with alive jade we can safely assume that she was totally rad

Jade scoffs from her seat, apparently not moved. The last time Roxy opened a funeral, she internally reflected that she couldn’t describe Dirk because he’d been a “verb” in her life; to extend the metaphor, Dead Jade would be an interjection. She’s impossible to describe for the exact opposite reason. Her existence is a giant question mark made out of even bigger question marks.

ROXY: so were all here to contemplate the vast cruelness of the universe that such radness was plucked in its prime  
ROXY: psst callie the roses  
CALLIOPE: oh, of coUrse!

Roxy turns to Calliope and grins as her companion starts tossing rose petals over her head. Despite the beauty of the display, she still hears an embarrassed facepalm from the pews. It’s probably Karkat, she decides, and opts not to honor his petulance with an acknowledgement.

CALLIOPE: pUrple roses traditionally represent love at first sight, however these roses are actUally red roses that we prepared Using a blUe dye.  
CALLIOPE: the blUe rose is the most elUsive and mysterioUs of all flowers.  
CALLIOPE: the combination of red and blUe in this context is meant to evoke the dUal natUre of death, in that there is nothing more mysterioUs and impossible to comprehend than the vast void of the afterlife, bUt also there is nothing that makes Us appreciate the life and and love that we already have than the mystery of death.  
CALLIOPE: while death is terrifying, there is always joy to be foUnd among the sorrow. each time we witness death, we fall in love with the important people in oUr lives all over again.

Roxy’s enthusiasm fades to pensive melancholy as Callie gives her speech.

Despite the dimness of the cathedral, Calliope’s eyes still shine with a striking, radiant green. Their light seems dulled today, though, and not from anything outside. It’s as though her spirit itself is flickering like a candle in the wind.

Memories surface. Calliope and Roxy unbalancing their canoe and laughing as they tumble into the cold water. Calliope and Roxy covered in paint and wood shavings after a long day working in the shed. Calliope holding Roxy’s hand and draping a comforting arm over her shoulder at three in the morning. Calliope and Roxy flailing their arms at a jazz club on a Friday night. Calliope and Roxy in the Medium, saying goodbye before the battle, sharing a moment words couldn’t express.

A life lived. A life lost.

The last petal from Calliope’s bouquet falls short and lands in Roxy’s hair. Calliope reaches up to touch it. Her hand is trembling.

When she brushes away the petal, her hand slowly falls to Roxy’s cheek. She touches it as lightly as she would a glass fairy which might break and shatter into a million pieces just from the touch of her claw. There’s palpable tension in her wrist, as though at any instant she might have to pull away. But she does not pull away.

Roxy lets her gaze wander over Calliope’s face. She’s never understood how Callie could think of herself as anything but beautiful. Her cheeks, her nose, her chin, all her perfectly sculpted angles and curves tell of a deep, quiet wisdom and an overflowing, unbreakable heart. Her emerald eyes are tinged with grief and pain, but filled with utter trust. And filled also with...

She spoke of falling in love. Is that how she feels about Roxy? She said she was fine letting her be with John, that night in the forest, but of course there’s more to it. Calliope is always genuine, but never simple.

Roxy raises her own hand to meet Callie’s. When they make contact, Callie stiffens even further, but then relaxes. Her hand smooths against the fine hairs of Roxy’s cheek as their fingers intertwine.

There was a time when, if someone had addressed Roxy as Calliope’s girlfriend, she wouldn’t have corrected them. Perhaps she would have been uncomfortable with the “girl” part. Perhaps not. That was long ago, though. They never defined their relationship, so it never became real. And now they’re here.

Is it wistfulness that Roxy feels now? Regret for what might have been?

No... it’s different from that. Calliope was — will always be — among the brightest stars in Roxy’s sky. But Roxy has a loving husband whom she loves in return, and she’s devoted herself to creating their son, and any day now that son will emerge and transform her world in yet more wondrous ways. All else must pale in comparison.

She made her choice. And even though it caused pain, she’s not ashamed of it.

But she’s ashamed that she made it so easily.

Roxy Egbert looks at her friend. All she can do now, she thinks, is comfort her.

ROXY: woah callie thats a beautiful metaphor  
CALLIOPE: aw, thank yoU roxy. u_u  
ROXY: dont sound so humble it is v v deep  
CALLIOPE: i jUst can’t take credit for external inspiration.  
ROXY: lmao cmon callie youre the literal muse  
CALLIOPE: yes, bUt yoU’re...

Before Roxy can learn what she is to Callie, the door slams open. Gamzee honks as he’s launched backward and ricochets off the walls like a bouncy ball.

Two figures walk in, one flying with butterfly wings that glow softly red, the other blindly groping at the walls. Roxy has to squint to see their faces in the distance and dim light, but they look like trolls. Didn’t they see the sign that the cathedral was closed for a private event? Are they paparazzi? More importantly, where did the tall one get those hellacious wings, and can Roxy have a pair?

??????: oh no did we miss the entire corpse party  
??????: i hope not  
??????: yes that w0uld be *such* a tragedy.  
??????: oh shush you  
??????: the tragedy is what i dont want to miss!

Roxy doesn’t recognize the voices, but Karkat apparently does, given the way that he launches out of the pew like it’s suddenly developed spikes.

KARKAT: ARADIA?  
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT... SOLLUX?!  
SOLLUX: hey l0ser. it’s been a l0ng time.  
KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A...  
KARKAT: IT’S BEEN A “LONG TIME”?!

Aradia and Sollux? As this odd reunion continues in the background, Roxy struggles to remember where she knows those names from. Were they... Huh, that sure is a Time symbol emblazoned on Aradia’s chest. They’re the Sburb players! Well, the Sgrub players, since trolls are weird and all. What are they doing here?

Not just here as in Earth C, since Roxy’s pretty sure they were out in the Furthest Ring when it collapsed, or something. Did it collapse, or is Roxy remembering that wrong? Doesn’t matter, she decides. Why are they _here_ here? How did they know there was a funeral today, and why’d they decide to make their grand re-entrance now? It’s totally messing up the program!

KARKAT: ...EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER. SOUNDS ABOUT FUCKING RIGHT.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED PRESENCE IS ANY LESS OF A JOKE THAN THIS “FUNERAL” WE’RE HAVING.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, WHY STOP AT SOLLUX AND ARADIA?  
KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.  
KARKAT: NEPETA, ARE YOU THERE? COME ON OUT! THE CORPSE PARTY WOULDN’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU!  
ROXY: SHOOSH everyone!

As hilarious as the line “Human Sufferer T-posing” is, Roxy still has a plan to make everyone like each other by the end of the day through shared experiences of grief and communal bonding, and breaking off into cliques before the funeral is even over won’t make that happen. Karkat hasn’t even realized that this is a good thing yet! She can adjust her plans later to accommodate this admittedly pretty great development, but for now, there’s a schedule to keep.

ROXY: there will be a reception with cake n candy after the service  
ROXY: u all can have ur poignant reunions then  
ROXY: before we unite in tearful togetherness we gotta unite in tearful loss  
JOHN: wait... there’s more?  
JOHN: i thought that nice speech callie made was, like...  
JOHN: pretty much the funeral.  
ROXY: lol no  
ROXY: callie and i were just gettin started  
JADE: oh my god...

Roxy feels bad for Jade, because this must be super uncomfortable for her, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.

ROXY: anyway where was i?  
CALLIOPE: how the infinite mystery of death makes Us appreciate the love we have!  
ROXY: right  
ROXY: so theres plenty of mystery to go around even when u know literally anything abt the one who died  
ROXY: the termination of our finite stay here on earth makes us ask all sortsa big Q’s  
ROXY: where did we come from? where will we go?  
ROXY: i mean ofc we came from a buncha ghost sludge mixed together by a hot nerd or shouty troll and we used to go to the furthest ring but im not talking so literally  
ROXY: i mean like soulwise  
ROXY: or metawise if u know or care abt that pile o thoughts  
ROXY: was there life before life? will there b life after death?  
ROXY: will we still continue to exist as discrete selves or will we merge back into the currents of a lifestream under the fabric of the universe like waves to the ocean?  
ROXY: or will we just cease to exist wholesale?  
ROXY: ppl have driven themselves nuts over their theories for literally all human history  
ROXY: even in this world where ppl know who the ““gods”” are and come to their press conferences somebody still built this cathedral  
ROXY: the point is that the here and now is the only thing we can know anything abt  
ROXY: so we gotta appreciate it while we can  
ROXY: bcuz u cant know if ur taking it with u  
ROXY: youve only got X many years or sweeps or w/e to spend before suddenly UR the one getting speechified abt on a day like today  
ROXY: and thats why friends + family are so important  
ROXY: bcuz when u get along with them u know ur not wasting ur time here  
ROXY: even tho nobodyll see eye 2 eye on everything u can make anything work as long as u put in the effort and love  
ROXY: and i know u guys got a lotta love  
ROXY: so thats why we...

There are three or four conversations taking place in the pews right now, none of which have anything to do with the funeral, and Roxy’s not sure anyone besides Calliope is listening to her. For fuck’s sake.

ROXY: omg quiet in the back already!  
ROXY: were tryin to have a beautiful and solemn proceeding up here  
ARADIA: oh im sorry  
ARADIA: i do agree that its a beautiful corpse party  
ARADIA: but i think it would be even MORE beautiful if we could you know  
ARADIA: actually see the corpse?  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD ARADIA, WHY ARE YOU STILL LIKE THIS?

Roxy tries to shield her eyes to peer at Aradia, but her arm swing is so clumsy that she just smacks herself in the forehead. She decides to play it off as a deliberate gesture. Of course they can see the corpse, why shouldn’t they? She spent way too much time doing Dead Jade’s makeup for no one else to appreciate it.

ROXY: oh lol ur right i cant believe that slipped my mind  
ROXY: hey jake a lil help?  
ROXY: im like hella pregnant here and shouldnt be doing any heavy lifting

Jake’s the only one who’s enthusiastic about this funeral _and_ can lift for shit, so it’s a relief that he answers Roxy’s call with enthusiasm. He leaps from his pew to the stage like a coiled spring. Callie, perhaps sensing that the unveiling of this mask of death is an even closer reminder of the importance of loved ones, starts scooping up rose petals from the floor to toss around again. Roxy nods in appreciation.

Jade starts to audibly cringe in the audience. Dave tries to console her, but it just comes out as one of his unfiltered nonsense rambles, which doesn’t seem very appropriate right now. That’s part of his charm, though. Roxy wonders about how these two will do as a couple now that Karkat’s out of the polycule. The way things had been before, she’s surprised that Dave didn’t end up with Karkat, and part of her’s not convinced that Dave and Jade are a good match... It’s not really any of her business, though.

Jake finally undoes the last latch and hoists the coffin open, but accidentally sends the coffin lid flying to slam against the pulpit. The crack as it snaps in two sounds like a gunshot. It takes all of Roxy’s strength to not recoil, since she still has to be a professional face for this funeral. Jane sighs and rolls her eyes, perhaps wishing she’d provided sturdier casket wood after all.

Aradia flies up to look at Dead Jade’s body from above, but to Roxy’s distress, no one else seems particularly interested in engaging with the display.

ARADIA: now this is more like it  
JADE: i cant look...  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: here

As Dave gives his girlfriend what’s either the absolute worst hug ever or a poorly conceived human blindfold, Roxy starts to suspect that this entire affair was a mistake. Could there have been some way to bring everyone together which was less embarrassing for Jade? Maybe it wouldn’t have worked, but today is a disaster anyway, and Jade deserves better.

JADE: uhh... what... are you doing??  
DAVE: emotional support yo  
ROSE: Dave.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: id like to see you do better  
KANAYA: Me Too Actually...

Roxy’s friends start taking shots at each other, and Calliope tries to calm them all down, and Roxy wants to join her but she just... needs a minute. She needs to think about something else besides the Herculean task of keeping all these assholes from falling apart. Just for five fucking seconds. How about Dead Jade? She’ll do for a distraction.

Roxy looks at the body. Even though she didn’t expect anyone else to see it, she applied its makeup as delicately as she could — ruby-red lipstick, concealer to hide the acne, deep black eyeliner — and gave it a hand-crafted crown of green mums, purple pansies, and blue roses. If it weren’t for the shard of reality in her bloody chest, Jade would almost look like a sleeping princess.

The corpse makes a beautiful display in its coffin. Her coffin, Roxy supposes, then laughs. Even though this Jade is long past the need to worry about how she presents to society, Roxy still finds herself thinking about her gender. Fancy makeup and a flower crown sure make her look like a girl, but she isn’t a girl. She’s just a dead person.

That’s where it all goes, isn’t it? When Roxy dies, her corpse will be an “it” too. Some people might take comfort in being a “she” or a “he” or a “they” or whatever along the way to that destination, but Roxy isn’t among their number. She’s got other things to worry about. She wants to be a good friend, a good mother, and a good person, and that’s much more important to her than being a good woman.

In that dimension, at least, her shit’s mostly figured out. It was her biggest internal conflict for some time, but now it’s finally stopped tearing her life apart from within...

...even as that life starts being torn apart from without.

JANE: ...model for compassionate, empathetic behavior, which others of her kind would do well to follow.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?  
JANE: I’m sorry, Mr. Vantas. Do you have another unsolicited political opinion you’d like to share with everyone?  
KARKAT: CONSIDERING THE SHIT GEYSER THAT JUST SHOT OUT OF YOUR IGNORANCE CANNON, I’D SAY MY OPINION IS PRETTY FUCKING SOLICITED RIGHT ABOUT NOW.  
CALLIOPE: EVERYONE!  
CALLIOPE: be qUiet!!!!!

Calliope’s shriek of frustration is so high and loud that it shatters the glass in the chandeliers. Shards of it come tinkling down to the floor far below as everyone looks at her in astonishment. Has she always been able to do that? She recoils and stifles a gasp, turning in on herself and scrunching her body up like a cornered animal.

After a few seconds of silence, some of the tension drains from her body. She lowers her hands and looks at them like she just used them to strangle someone.

CALLIOPE: please. roxy gathered yoU all here for a reason.  
CALLIOPE: at least listen Until the end.  
CALLIOPE: after that yoU can argUe all you want.

Roxy steps forward and wraps a supportive arm around her friend. Callie leans into her side like she wants to cling to her.

Surveying her friends, Roxy notes that they’re finally _listening_ to her for the first time this afternoon. Maybe this whole thing was a stupid idea. Maybe they’ll never all see each other’s faces again. But Roxy has the floor and all eyes are on her, so she might as well tell everyone the truth.

ROXY: look everyone im not dumb ok even tho i act like it sometimes  
ROXY: i know whats goin on here  
ROXY: that were all drifting apart  
ROXY: and i know thats just a normal part of growing up and making new families  
ROXY: and i guess learning that some people have unbridgeable divides on political stuff

No matter how badly she wants to be that bridge. The aisle of this cathedral is getting wider every day, and no link between the two sides can survive long without snapping apart and falling onto the shattered glass below. She tried her best. She can’t _make_ her friends do anything.

ROXY: i can accept that things arent gonna always be the same as when we first met  
ROXY: specially with dirk gone  
ROXY: damn...  
ROXY: even though its been more than a year i still feel it like he died yesterday

Has it been a year? It’s become hard to tell. The days and months are blurring into each other. Things start, things end, the world is in a constant state of flux and mystery, and all she can do is live moment to moment.

ROXY: what callie said earlier about death being mysterious and full of love is true  
ROXY: i dont know if i ever would have gotten up the courage to marry john if dirk hadnt died

If Roxy’s honest with herself, one of her faults is that she’s too comfortable with the status quo. Without Sburb, she might never have gotten the jolt to her life needed to quit drinking. Had Rose not come along, she’d probably have been in relationship limbo with Calliope forever, more than friends but never quite lovers. Who knows how long Harry Anderson would have been waiting to be conceived if Dirk hadn’t taught Roxy to seize the day?

ROXY: sometimes i think about what it would have been like if he was still here  
ROXY: i think we can all agree that if dirk didnt kill himself there would be some big differences in the lives of people here in this room  
ROXY: i cant say if theyd be good or bad  
ROXY: maybe when it comes to this kind of thing... like  
ROXY: infinite probability and multiple universes and shit  
ROXY: good and bad dont matter  
ROXY: theres no better or worse just different

Isn’t that what Rose said about things, during those long conversations last year which she can’t remember? There’s no good. There’s only essential.

ROXY: even with dead jade here whos to say that the world she came from was actually worse than ours?  
ROXY: she probably died a heroic death doin something incredible  
ROXY: we probably only have the great lives we do right now because of her sacrifice

Who’s to say? But you don’t get stabbed by reality when you’re not doing anything cool. None of them will ever know who this Jade was or what she did for them, and honestly, there’s something beautiful in that mystery. But they’re here now, and their lives _are_ pretty great despite the tensions between them.

ROXY: the universal odds of us all being alive and healthy and together like this are so infinitesimally low that its literally impossible for us to understand with our limited linear consciousness  
ROXY: isnt that amazing??  
ROXY: so even if this is the last time were all ever in the same room like this  
ROXY: i think its just incredible we could be here in the first place  
ROXY: out of a sempiternal number of possibilities we are the only incarnation of this exact specific moment in all of existence

Rose would probably say something about this being the only way the “story” could have gone, but honestly, fuck that. Who cares whether or not she’s a “character”? She’s a person. She’s not abstract. She’s _this_ person, in _this_ moment, with _these_ people. That’s all that matters.

ROXY: i think that we should all look around and be super grateful for what we  
ROXY: wh... what we

Something clenches. Or maybe... contracts.

ROXY: wh... wha...  
ROXY: whoah fuck

Roxy stumbles and nearly falls down as she realizes what’s happening. Oh, god.

CALLIOPE: roxy? are yoU okay?  
ROXY: of course im not ok i just WENT INTO FREAKING LABOR  
JOHN: oh my god!  
JOHN: oh my god!  
JOHN: it’s happening, oh my god!!  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: oh my GOD!!!  
ROXY: omg john are you just gonna keep shouting oh my god or are you GONNA HELP YOUR WIFEY OUT  
JOHN: OH MY GOD!!!!!

Roxy loses her balance completely and falls backward, but Jake is there to catch her. She catches a glimpse of a grinning red troll hovering above — fuck, what was her name? John runs up to the stage and waves his arms to summon a cushion of wind, which Roxy dutifully collapses onto. It feels like a beanbag chair that also bounces her up and makes her feel like she wants to spin. It’s something they’ve done before, in all sorts of contexts, but Roxy’s still not prepared for the sensation.

JOHN: doing ok there, sweetheart?  
ROXY: ugh whyd i let you put this thing inside me  
JOHN: don’t worry roxy! we’ll get it out as soon as we can!  
JOHN: er, by “it,” i mean our child.  
JOHN: we probably shouldn’t be talking about him in dehumanizing terms before he’s even born, huh?  
JOHN: seems like kind of a bad omen?  
ROXY: omg.......... john SHUT UP  
ROXY: i need like six gallons of demerol STAT  
ROXY: lets GOOO  
JOHN: right! going!

Things happen in a blur after that. The dash down the steps. The frenzied bridal carry down the aisle. A shout from someone — Calliope? — in the background that Roxy can’t hear. A brief moment where all sensation melts into John’s hurried breathing and pounding footsteps. A distant scream as they burst through the doors into the heavy rain.

JOHN: the... the storm, we...  
JOHN: i know you said i shouldn’t! but!  
ROXY: for fuck’s sake john DO THE WINDY THING  
JOHN: right!

John inhales deeply, then breathes out a mighty tornado. The thunder roils, the wind blows, the rains slam against her face, and after a few seconds, the clouds spin apart to reveal a bright blue sky. Roxy would be impressed if she wasn’t in so much fucking pain.

ROXY: right now thats done get me to the fuckin car!!  
JOHN: on it!

Each second feels like an hour, and yet each minute feels like a second. Roxy can’t even recall what happens on the way to the car. She feels like she blinked while at the pulpit and now suddenly she’s reclining in the back seat. But there was something...

ROXY: did callie say she was coming?  
JOHN: yeah, do you want to wait for her?  
ROXY: fuck no i love the girl but i really REALLY need to get to the hospital RIGHT NOW  
ROXY: DRIVE man DRIVE  
JOHN: driving!!!

The winds pick up again as John makes the car sail into the sky.

After a few minutes, Roxy’s mind clears enough to take stock of her surroundings. She’s still in a lot of pain, but now she can sense her husband’s giddy yet anxious breathing in the front seat, and the roaring wind rushing them toward their destination, and the feeling of her little magnum opus finally being ready to come into this world, the long gestation cycle at last at an end.

She starts to laugh.


	16. Epilogue Five, Part One

ROXY: ♫ rock a bye baby in the tree top... ♫  
ROXY: ♫ when the wind blows the cradle will rock... ♫  
ROXY: ♫ when the bough breaks the cradle will fall... ♫  
ROXY: ♫ and down will come...  
ROXY: hmm  
ROXY: that songs actually kinda messed up huh

Roxy leans over her newborn baby’s crib to watch him resting among his blankets. His skin is as smooth as pearl. Wispy locks of blonde hair — the same color as her own — peek out from under the woolen cap she knit for him. He looks so much like her, and so much like John.

ROXY: aint there another version where the bby flies off into the sky? dunno if thats MUCH better but still  
ROXY: well  
ROXY: looks like it worked anyway  
ROXY: mission successful babys thoroughly rockabied

Harry Anderson’s eyes are closed, his breathing is soft, and his face is calm. It’s been a bright and confusing day for him, but now, at least for the moment, he’s at peace. Roxy lets out a quiet yawn as she checks her watch. It’s three in the morning.

ROXY: oof i feel like ive been awake for weeks  
ROXY: even tho its only been 19 hrs or so?  
ROXY: todays been a real fuckin long day lmao  
ROXY: oops sry i forgot i have to watch my language now  
ROXY: don’t say shit in front of the Bee Ayy Bee Yyy  
ROXY: oh w/e im rambling

Roxy sighs. She can’t tell whether it’s due to exhaustion or fondness.

ROXY: u kno  
ROXY: i knew u were gonna cry when u were born  
ROXY: leaving the dark + warm safety u were used to for a bright scary world full of noise and stethoscopes  
ROXY: its enough to ruin anyones day haha  
ROXY: but 4 some reason i thought u were gonna be mad?  
ROXY: like ud scream in frustration @ being pushed out of ur comfort place  
ROXY: but u didnt scream  
ROXY: u were confused and scared but not angry  
ROXY: u sounded like...  
ROXY: a lamb  
ROXY: a fuzzy baby lamb

She laughs breathily and looks up at the mobile above the crib. Its ornaments represent each of the planets in this new solar system. Though Earth is the only commonality with the old universe, the others look strikingly similar to Mercury, Venus, Mars and the rest. It’s as though the new universe is making a conscious effort to resemble the old.

ROXY: its really funny  
ROXY: before today...  
ROXY: a little part of me was worried i wouldnt be able to love you  
ROXY: like i was just too selfish to be a mom and it was a huge mistake to ever think otherwise  
ROXY: and ud grow up w/o a real mother  
ROXY: but now i cant think of a more ridiculous idea  
ROXY: the moment i heard my little lamb bleat...  
ROXY: and the moment u first looked at me with those bright blue eyes...

A tear starts to form in the corner of Roxy’s eye. She brushes it away and laughs again.

ROXY: ive loved ppl before  
ROXY: dirk, rose, jane, callie, john  
ROXY: even myself sometimes  
ROXY: but ur on a whole nother level  
ROXY: loving u isnt something i do or something i feel  
ROXY: its who i am  
ROXY: i _am_ ur mommy  
ROXY: i _am_ loving u  
ROXY: and ik those arent synonyms for all moms cuz some moms are jerks etc etc but this isnt abt that  
ROXY: its abt you and me  
ROXY: im harry anderson egberts mother  
ROXY: and ur my baby

Roxy sniffles.

ROXY: and ive never been so proud

A few moments pass. All is dark except for the moonlight peeking through the blinds. All is quiet except for the breathing of mother and child.

Roxy had grown used to hearing Harry Anderson’s heartbeat while he was growing inside her. She was worried she’d miss that feeling, but right now... if she closes her eyes, she can hear it even still.

ROXY: i wish i could say itll be easy for u  
ROXY: that youll want for nothing and youll be happy all ur life  
ROXY: a few months ago i mighta said that and meant it  
ROXY: but even though this world is p good it aint perfect  
ROXY: some ppl are gonna want to hurt u  
ROXY: and no matter what happens theres gonna be pain and sadness  
ROXY: i want so badly to hold you close and protect u forever but i kno that i cant  
ROXY: eventually ur gonna have to stand on ur own  
ROXY: and that rly scares me  
ROXY: even tho u literally just got born i can already feel the pain of having to let u go someday  
ROXY: heh  
ROXY: im bein too depressing rn sry  
ROXY: ur def gonna have a fun life!  
ROXY: u have a loving mom and dad  
ROXY: youll make friends and smile and laugh and hug  
ROXY: and youll be able to count on ur friends  
ROXY: and theyll kno they can count on u too

Roxy smiles sadly and glances out the window.

ROXY: maybe u can do a better job than i did there

She stays like that for a moment, then perks up.

ROXY: srsly tho ur gonna have no trouble makin pals!  
ROXY: prolly for personality reasons too but also cuz ur just so friggin CUTE  
ROXY: with ur cutesy widdle nose and ur cutesy widdle--  
ROXY: aw darn right i shouldnt do baby talk. thanks rose  
ROXY: While speaking to you, I must ensure I use appropriate syntax. It is paramount, developmentally speaking, that--  
ROXY: pfffhahaha im sry thats just not me  
ROXY: theres a lot i can teach u but im gonna leave punctuation to ur daddy lmao  
ROXY: dunno where ur gonna learn capital letters tho  
ROXY: maybe karkat?  
ROXY: prolly not i dont wanna drag u into whatever hes got going on  
ROXY: the least i can give u is a lil peace

Roxy sighs again as she leans back into her chair.

ROXY: i cant give u everything  
ROXY: but wat i can, i will

An owl hoots outside. The cool March breeze drifts lazily through the window.

Another song comes to Roxy’s mind. She doesn’t remember how she learned it. It’s a hymn for a religion which no longer exists, which might make it an odd choice for a lullaby, but the wonder and awe which she feels when she looks upon her child’s face... it’s the closest thing to religion she’s ever known.

ROXY: ♫ my life flows on in endless song ♫  
ROXY: ♫ above earths lamentation ♫  
ROXY: ♫ i hear the sweet tho far-off hymn ♫  
ROXY: ♫ that hails a new creation ♫  
ROXY: ♫ thru all the tumult and the strife ♫  
ROXY: ♫ i hear its music ringing ♫  
ROXY: ♫ it sounds an echo in my soul ♫  
ROXY: ♫ how can i keep from singing? ♫  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: yeah  
ROXY: i like that song better

Roxy leans forward and plants a kiss on Harry Anderson’s forehead. He coos in his sleep.

ROXY: welcome home  
ROXY: good night sweet prince

She closes the door behind her as she leaves.

She finds John in the hallway. He’s not wearing his glasses, his hair somehow looks even more disheveled than hers, and he’s clad only in his Ghostbusters-themed pajama briefs. Was he waiting for her, or just on his way to get a glass of water before turning in?

JOHN: how’s it going, baby?  
ROXY: john hes asleep he cant tell u how its going rn  
JOHN: wait, what?  
JOHN: oh. no, i meant baby as in, like, a cute nick name, not as in our literal baby.  
ROXY: haha i kno im just messing with u  
JOHN: maybe i should stick to “sweetheart” and “darling”?  
JOHN: blurgh, i’ll figure that stuff out tomorrow.  
JOHN: seriously, though. are you doing okay?

Roxy considers how much to tell her husband. This day has definitely been harder on her than on him, since she was the one who popped Harry Anderson out and all, but... does he really need to know about all her worries for her baby’s future? These are probably the sort of things which only seem important late at night. Once she gets a bit of sleep, she’ll be infused with energy and optimism like normal.

ROXY: ya im fine!  
ROXY: bit sleepy lol but otherwise p good  
ROXY: glad to be done with the pregnancy thing lmao  
JOHN: are you sure everything’s good? i know it’s been...  
ROXY: totally!

She beams at John. He frowns, but apparently decides not to pursue the subject.

JOHN; what about harry anderson? is he doing alright?  
ROXY: mm hm!  
ROXY: it took a while but he FINALLY settled down  
ROXY: do u wanna see him  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: maybe later.  
ROXY: aight  
JOHN: you know, i...

Whatever thought John intended to vocalize appears to die half-formed in his brain, as he closes his mouth and stares at the ceiling.

ROXY: yea?  
JOHN: whuh? oh. i meant to say...  
JOHN: don’t you think it’s weird? all of this?  
ROXY: oh yeah totes  
ROXY: we had a bby john!!! we did it!!! holy shit!!!  
JOHN: yeah, but that’s not what i...  
JOHN: well, it is. but not in that way, i mean?  
ROXY: ?  
JOHN: i don’t know. i’m not really sure what i’m trying to say.  
ROXY: lol  
ROXY: mebbe another thing for tomorrow  
JOHN: haha, yeah.

John runs a hand through his hair and musses it up even further. Roxy walks to his side, wraps her arm around his waist, and leans her weary head on his beefy shoulder. John lets out a sound halfway between a hum and a groan as he lowers his arm and wraps it around her own waist.

JOHN: i’m worried for him.  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: wdym?  
JOHN: harry anderson is cute, but he’s also really small and frail.  
JOHN: i’m just scared that he’ll hurt himself somehow.  
JOHN: or that one of us will hurt him by accident.  
JOHN: or that someone bad will hurt him on purpose!  
JOHN: maybe it’s stupid, but i can’t stop imagining all the awful things that might happen. what if--  
ROXY: dont be such a downer b!  
ROXY: we might not rly have a clue wat were doing lol but were gonna make it work  
ROXY: and if anyone hurts him im gonna kick their ass myself  
ROXY: hes gonna be safe + happy just u wait  
JOHN: for a while, yeah.  
JOHN: but he isn’t a god tier. and unless we do something heroic or just--  
ROXY: john

Roxy pulls back and looks John in the eyes. Caught off guard, he struggles to meet her gaze, but eventually manages it.

ROXY: i rly dont want to think about that  
ROXY: not for a while at least  
ROXY: and specially not tonight  
ROXY: please?  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: you’re right. i’m sorry, roxy.

She exhales, then smiles softly as she embraces him once more.

ROXY: its okay

She tilts her head up.

ROXY: no more questions

When they kiss, she’s surprised at how giving his mouth is. Normally his lips are firm but yielding, but tonight as she presses gently against him she encounters almost no resistance, like she’s kissing the wind. It must be another oddity of the late hour. She doesn’t have time to think about it, though, because his mind soon refocuses and he kisses her back while holding her close.

It’s been one of the longest days of Roxy’s life, and most of her just really wants to go to sleep... but as John runs his hands along her sides and she feels a contented sigh escape her lips, she wonders if the day couldn’t stand to be a little longer. Doesn’t she deserve to enjoy herself? She giggles into John’s mouth as she hooks a thumb into the elastic of his briefs, and enjoys the half-moan she gets in response. His hands wander a little lower, and she—

_THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP_

JOHN: what the fuck?  
ROXY: whos at the door NOW for chrissake

The rhythmic pounding on the heavy oak door continues as John and Roxy make their way downstairs. Roxy wonders if she should go make sure Harry Anderson doesn’t get too upset by the noise, but figures opening his door would only make it louder and increase the risk of waking him.

As the disgruntled couple enters the foyer, whoever was knocking decides to try the knob, and the door bursts open with such force that it slams against the wall. Roxy barely has time to register the bolt of green lightning that zooms across the room and wraps itself around her.

CALLIOPE: roxy, roxy, roxy! yoU’re here, thank heavens, yoU’re here, yoU’re safe, i’m safe, i’m not safe, i’m scared, roxy, i can’t, roxy...  
ROXY: calliope?!  
CALLIOPE: yoU’re alright, yoU’re here, i’m here, i’m scared, i can’t let her see me...  
ROXY: callie what the hell is going on!  
CALLIOPE: i can’t let her see me, i can’t let her see me, i can’t let her see me, i can’t let her see me...

Dazed and confused, Roxy slowly wraps her arms around her unexpected visitor, who continues to sob and mumble into her chest. She’s got so many questions, but Callie’s clearly in no fit shape to tell her anything, so the best thing to do right now is just to keep hugging her.

Roxy looks up at John, expecting to see similar bewilderment on his face, but instead sees only... resignation? Disappointment? It’s difficult to identify his reaction at a glance, but it’s certainly isn’t one of surprise. He silently closes the door, then walks to the kitchen to get some glasses of water.

There’s no crying from upstairs. Harry Anderson doesn’t seem to have noticed the commotion, thank god. After about a minute, Calliope takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down, though she continues squeezing Roxy tightly.

CALLIOPE: i’m sorry to bUrst in on yoU like this, bUt i had to make sUre yoU were okay! i was scared she’d foUnd yoU!  
ROXY: hey hey its alright  
ROXY: im sorry for leaving 4 the hospital without u i kno that musta scared you  
CALLIOPE: no! this isn’t aboUt that!  
CALLIOPE: it’s... her, she’s here, i can’t...  
CALLIOPE: she...  
CALLIOPE: i’m so sorry, i mUst really be worrying yoU! i’ve been panicking so pathetically and haven’t even explained what it’s aboUt...  
JOHN: um, actually, i think i already know.

Both Roxy and Calliope turn to look at John, who shrugs apologetically and grimaces.

JOHN: dave texted me while you were in labor, roxy.  
JOHN: i was going to tell you, but, uh...  
JOHN: you had other things to worry about. i didn’t want to stress you out.  
JOHN: and then after harry anderson was born, i just kind of forgot?  
JOHN: sorry, there’s been a lot of stuff going on today.  
JOHN: but this is definitely the stupidest. even more than the trolls showing up.  
ROXY: john wait  
ROXY: callie do u wanna be the one to explain? or should john  
CALLIOPE: ...

Calliope finally releases Roxy from her embrace and takes a glass from John. She tilts her head back and pours half of it into her mouth, then swallows with a single gulp.

CALLIOPE: please go ahead, john.  
CALLIOPE: yoU can probably relay the story in a far more coherent manner than i, at the moment.  
JOHN: ...okay.  
JOHN: so, right after we left the cathedral, dead teen jade woke up.  
JOHN: except it wasn’t her. it was someone possessing her corpse.  
JOHN: and that someone turned out to be the alternate version of calliope.  
JOHN: you know, the god tier one who died.  
JOHN: and who also destroyed the green sun, i think?  
JOHN: maybe i’m remembering that wrong.  
JOHN: i don’t think either of us met her, but jade did. regular calliope did, too.  
JOHN: anyway, she said she was here to “protect our world.”  
JOHN: but not from anything physical, apparently. and then she started talking about canon?  
JOHN: dave stopped paying attention during that part, but you can probably ask rose.  
JOHN: after that, she flew off, and told the new trolls to join her.  
JOHN: and she said that we wouldn’t see any of the three of them again.  
JOHN: then she mentioned, “but we will see you,” or something, all ominous-like.  
JOHN: then everyone just kind of left.  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: what the FUCK

What the fuck?

Why is Fake Calliope here? Why did she possess Jade? Why _now?_ What do the trolls have to do with it? What the _fuck?_

Roxy has a lot of questions... but the important thing, at least immediately, is that Calliope is upset. That’s something she can control.

CALLIOPE: i thought i was finally free of her, bUt, she, she’s still haUnting...  
CALLIOPE: it feels like if she sUbjects me to her presence, she’ll sUbsume me, or jUdge me, and i’ll lose everything, and i know that doesn’t make sense bUt i can’t let her see me!  
CALLIOPE: i jUst, i can’t let her see me...  
ROXY: callie...  
ROXY: have u been running around looking for me all day?  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse! i needed to see if yoU were...  
CALLIOPE: ...  
CALLIOPE: no, that’s not why. i jUst wanted yoU to shield me from my delUsions.  
CALLIOPE: i’m sorry to impose Upon yoU again.  
CALLIOPE: especially on the day of yoUr son’s birth.  
ROXY: callie

Roxy takes her friend’s hands. Calliope seems surprised, but not unpleasantly so.

Is Callie’s behavior a bit extreme? Sure, but it’s hardly worth raising an eyebrow over. She’s always been unsure about what place in the universe she was “meant to fill” or whatever, and the return of her menacing counterpart was bound to be upsetting. She’s in pain and needs to be comforted.

ROXY: u looked for me for a wholeass afternoon evening n night  
ROXY: bcuz u cared abt me  
ROXY: thats... incredibly sweet  
ROXY: im rly glad ur here

Calliope opens her mouth slightly, but doesn’t say anything. She blinks a few times. Her big, beautiful eyes catch and reflect the dim light of the moon.

Roxy smiles. After a moment, Callie does too. Her breathing slows as she gazes into Roxy’s eyes like she’s trying to find something.

JOHN: wait SHIT--

John’s water glass slips from his hands and tumbles to the floor. It shatters on impact with a sickening crack and sends shards flying in all directions.

For some reason this, and not the commotion earlier, is what sets Harry Anderson off. He starts crying so loudly that Roxy wants to plug her ears. John winces and groans at the scene he’s caused.

JOHN: sorry, guys...  
JOHN: i’ll clean up the glass. can you check on harry anderson, roxy?  
ROXY: mmk

Roxy’s rather vexed at having her touching moment interrupted, not to mention having her earlier catharsis of kissing her baby goodnight undone, but she decides to let it roll off her. It’s hardly the last time she’ll have to take care of a screaming infant in the middle of the night.

CALLIOPE: roxy, wait!  
CALLIOPE: may i... see him as well?  
ROXY: yea sure!

Calliope follows Roxy upstairs as John starts to look for a dustpan and broom. Harry Anderson’s wailing only gets louder as Roxy opens his door and runs to his crib.

ROXY: oh dear honey oh dear dont worry mommys here...  
ROXY: do u need a bottle? do u need another lullaby?  
ROXY: i hope its not another lullaby cuz my repertoires burnt thru atm  
ROXY: lemme check my purse, i think i got--

Harry Anderson abruptly stops crying. Roxy whips her head up to look at him with alarm, but he doesn’t seem troubled. He’s ignoring her completely and looking towards the foot of the crib, where Calliope is crouching.

Roxy turns her head. Callie is holding her breath. She’s utterly motionless, as though her whole body were made of glass.

Her eyes are wide and glistening, and her mouth is open. Roxy sees wonder and love in her face, tempered by... shame? She looks like she’s about to break down in confession. There are traces of other feelings in her expression, but Roxy can’t identify them. Whatever Callie’s feeling is for her alone to know.

Harry Anderson smiles and coos. Callie finally exhales, a quiet whisper in the dark.

CALLIOPE: he’s beaUtiful...

Roxy smiles.

ROXY: i know

Even though Harry Anderson is too young to care about such things, this moment is between him and Calliope, and Roxy doesn’t want to invade his privacy. So she closes her eyes and hums a quiet song.

Eventually, Calliope stands up, and Roxy follows her lead.

CALLIOPE: i know that i jUst got here, bUt it’s very late. i shoUld let yoU rest.  
CALLIOPE: thank yoU for letting me visit, roxy.  
CALLIOPE: and thank yoU for letting me meet yoUr son.  
ROXY: anything 4 u gorgeous  
CALLIOPE: will i be able to see yoU tomorrow?  
ROXY: of course  
ROXY: always, callie

They hug, briefly, before Calliope lets go.

\---

Time moves quickly after that.

Things fly past. Rubber ducks and teddy bears. Bubble baths and fleece pajamas. Bottles and diapers and highchairs and strollers and toys. Harry Anderson smiles, cries, laughs, grows.

John helps where he can. Calliope visits often. Roxy nurtures her child, and he grows big and strong, and her heart melts to see his face. Nothing else matters.

The days become weeks. The weeks become months.

The months become years.


	17. Epilogue Five, Part Two

GAMZEE: AnD sO aNoThEr SiNnEr FiNdS mOtHeRfUcKiNg ReDeMpTiOn On ThE hOlY mOuNt!  
GAMZEE: HoW aBoUt It, My WhImSy-LiPpEd InVeRtEbRoThEr? CaN yOu FeEl ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg BlEsSiNgS oF rIgHtEoUsNeSs CoUrSiNg ThRoUgH yOuR vEiNs?  
TAVROS: oH, yES, i FEEL VERY REDEEMED, fOR WHATEVER IT IS I DID,  
TAVROS: aND BLESSED WITH RIGHTEOUS, uH, sOMETHING,  
TAVROS: aND ALSO SOMEWHAT WOOZY, fROM THE KISSES,  
TAVROS: wHICH WERE PROBABLY IMPORTANT, tO THE REDEMPTION IN QUESTION,  
TAVROS: iN WAYS WHICH I DON’T UNDERSTAND, bUT AM WILLING TO GO ALONG WITH, fOR THE SAKE OF REDEMPTION, wHICH IS APPARENTLY WHY I’M HERE,  
GAMZEE: PrEaCh ThAt DaNkEsT oF wIsDoMs, MoThErFuCkEr!  
GAMZEE: Yo, AlL mY bRoThErS aNd SiStErS, cAn I gEt A hOoP aNd HoLlEr FoR mY mAn Up In ThE fRoNt As He StArTs HiS nEw MoThErFuCkInG lIfE aS a RiGhTeOuS tRoLl?

The crowd hoops and hollers with varying levels of enthusiasm. Its members fill the New Outglut park where Gamzee has taken to delivering his services. This Sunday is like any other, except for the higher-than-usual number of attendants, the weather, and the fact that the crowd is composed primarily of ghosts.

Six days ago, ghostly doubles of the trolls who played Sburb began falling from the sky, just as Teen Jade did a few years back. They haven’t stopped. Hordes of ghosts, from doomed timelines and offshoot canons and absurd hypotheticals, rain down every couple of minutes at the least. Even as Gamzee talks, the sky cracks open with a flash and a litter of Nepetas falls screaming toward the tennis courts.

The whole situation has been a massive international incident, and Jane has complained about it at length to Roxy, but even among the tumult... life goes on. The ethereal newcomers attempt to integrate into society as those already in it adapt to their presence. Though there’s a constant air of surrealness, the world still turns, people still work and play, and a clown still preaches about redemption.

GAMZEE: YeAh, ThAt’S wHaT i MoThErFuCkInG lIkE tO hEaR!  
GAMZEE: nOw LeT’s TuRn ThE sPoTlIgHt Of ThIs DaRk CaRnIvAl On A nO-gOoD sEaDwElLeR aNd A hOe He MoSt UnRiGhTeOuSlY sLaUgHtErEd.  
GAMZEE: C’mOn Up To ThE fUcKiNg StAgE, fIsHfAcEs! ArE yOu MoThErFuCkErS rEaDy To Be EpIpHaNiZeD?  
ERIDAN: fuck yes  
FEFERI: I suppose...  
GAMZEE: tHeN lEt’S gEt MoThErFuCkInG sTaRtEd!  
CALLIOPE: oh, yes!

Roxy is standing in the midst of the crowd about halfway up the hill. Calliope is by her side, straining to see past the taller parishioners in front. Roxy’s son, now three years old with eyes as blue as the sky and as bright as the sun, is perched on her shoulders, excitedly viewing the spectacle. John’s here too somewhere, but he got distracted by his phone a few minutes ago, and Roxy lost him in the crowd. It’s happened before; she’ll find him again without issue.

GAMZEE: NoW We wElCoMe iNtO ThE DoPe aRmS Of mOtHeR ReDeMpTiOn tHiS lOwLy PeNiTeNt WhO’s AlL kInDs Of SoRrY aBoUt HiS pAsT dEeDs.  
ERIDAN: oh yeah im vvery redeemed  
FEFERI: )(mm are you s)(ore?  
ERIDAN: fef you dont believve me  
ERIDAN: wwhat do i havve to fuckin do crawwl on the fuckin ground at your feet  
ERIDAN: snortin and snufflin at your shoes like a mushroom sniffin porkfiend  
ERIDAN: sizin up those covvetous swweaty delicacies stuffed wwithin  
ERIDAN: like a couple of premium shrimp loavves garnished wwith ten exquisite pygmy soiree wwieners  
ERIDAN: im a wworm fef  
ERIDAN: im the lowwest of the wworst  
FEFERI: Okaaay. If t)(at’s really )(ow you feel, i guess i can... accept your apology.  
GAMZEE: NiIiIiIiCe.  
GAMZEE: NoW tHiS iS wHaT i’M tAlKiNg AbOuT. AlL tHiS fOrGiVnEsS aNd ShIt Up In ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg HoUsE.  
CALLIOPE: hallelUjah! oh, praise the heavens!

Calliope’s voice doesn’t carry far, but it’s infused with enthusiasm. Lately, she never looks happier than when she’s watching Gamzee deliver a redemption.

ROXY: callie ur rly gettin in2 the spirit today!  
CALLIOPE: i-- oh, yes, of coUrse!  
CALLIOPE: isn’t this wonderfUl? that’s eridan ampora! the traitoroUs angel himself!  
ROXY: lmao yeah  
ROXY: but that aint rly a narrow description lotsa ppl are eridan  
ROXY: theres more eridans everyday  
ROXY: eridans life story should b in geography textbooks cuz hes a major demographic in the area  
ROXY: i think i see like thirty eridans rn and theyre all grumpy as shit except for that one in the fishnets  
ROXY: half the rest are dressed up like wizards  
ROXY: grrgh that makes me so mad  
ROXY: whyyYYY does the wizard troll gotta be the evil troll it aint fair!  
ROXY: anyway yah thats eridan alrite  
CALLIOPE: it’s not jUst aboUt eridan! it’s aboUt what he represents.  
CALLIOPE: i’m sorry, it’s jUst sUch a beaUtifUl concept...  
CALLIOPE: that even the lowest among Us can find redemption.  
CALLIOPE: no matter oUr sins, no matter oUr transgressions, there is always the promise that we shall one day stand free of gUilt and bUrden, shoUld we choose to walk the path.

Calliope sniffles and toys with her pendant, a tiny bar of iron fashioned into the Capricorn symbol which hangs around her neck on a silver chain. She hasn’t been seen without it for over two years.

Shortly after the day Harry Anderson was born, Callie developed an aversion to Gamzee’s presence which bordered on revulsion, puzzling all who noticed it. A few months later, however, she reversed course completely and became his most devoted acolyte. She never fails to attend a sermon and insists Roxy’s family join her whenever possible. John would protest at first, but Roxy wants to spend time with Calliope doing things Calliope likes, and this is foremost among those things.

It makes sense, Roxy supposes. Everyone needs something to believe in.

Callie’s world was shaken when her alternate self reappeared and she was forced to confront the meaning of her own existence. Perhaps her brief spell of antipathy toward Gamzee was because he raised her to be like _herself_ instead of like the powerful intruder, but Roxy’s never felt comfortable asking her about that. Regardless, she’s found purpose through discipleship, and Roxy’s glad her psyche is more stable now. Even if the rituals of said discipleship are... esoteric.

ROXY: i still dont rly get why that path hasta involve milk tho  
CALLIOPE: it’s symbolic, roxy! it’s the ambrosia of infancy which newborn soUls consUme to strengthen them for the rigoUrs of life. when a redeemed soUl is born anew, it mUst be strengthened once again.  
CALLIOPE: on earth b, christians woUld consUme what they believed to be the body and blood of their god himself. this is tame by comparison!  
ROXY: ya ya youve told me this b4 lol  
ROXY: tho idrk abt the jesus stuff? ehh its been a while since i read the wikipedia page  
ROXY: and the kissing is cuz of “energy transfer” and stuff rite  
CALLIOPE: the transference of grace to a penitent from their confessor!  
CALLIOPE: either the one wronged or a pastoral font of grace mUst share their spirit, in both body and soUl.  
CALLIOPE: the ritUal of a kiss, among other things, invokes the imagery of moUth-to-moUth resUscitation, linking the gift of spiritual life to the gift of physical life.  
CALLIOPE: if yoU’re cUrioUs aboUt doctrinal matters, i’d be more than happy to provide yoU with some foUndational literature! i recommend yoU start with the first lactic catechism, or ataxia’s text on clerical aUthority!

Not for the first time, Roxy thinks that there’s something a little too pleading in Calliope’s grin, but decides to ignore it.

ROXY: maybe later  
ROXY: there are def more unpleasant ways to get redeemified than kissing someone tho  
ROXY: case in point magic fish boy up here  
ROXY: like  
ROXY: wow  
ROXY: hes rly goin at it huh  
ROXY: its kinda mesmerising  
ROXY: even beats out the porrim/damara snog from earlier and that is QUITE an accomplishment  
ROXY: got damn

Harry Anderson yawns on Roxy’s shoulders. At first, Roxy had been extremely reluctant to bring her son along to these events, since they’re not exactly G-rated; they’re such a cornerstone of culture nowadays, though, that they’d be hard to avoid regardless. The word “motherfucker” barely even qualifies as an expletive anymore. Accepting the quirks of these scenes is easier than finding a babysitter every Sunday.

HARRY ANDERSON: i see daddy!  
HARRY ANDERSON: he’s by the frozen yogurt!  
HARRY ANDERSON: mommy, can we have frozen yogurt tonight?

He pronounces it like “fwozen yogut.” Roxy’s heart flutters and she wants to hold him tight and tell him how adorable he is and give him anything he wants, but she has to enforce boundaries as a parent. According to all the books, anyway.

ROXY: u know the rules honey bunches  
ROXY: no dessert cept when the month plus the day equals a prime number and only when all ur legos are put away  
HARRY ANDERSON: awwww...  
ROXY: yo john  
ROXY: over here hon!

John’s looking at his phone when Roxy calls his name. He’s always so quick to tuck it away, like he’s embarrassed to own a computational device. It’s funny. He grins at Harry Anderson and starts edging his way past the ghosts.

All of a sudden, the sky quiets. The insects in the grass stop their buzzing, the crowd ceases its chatter, and all heads turn to look at the insectoid scarlet behemoth passing overhead.

As unrest in the Troll Kingdom has increased, Jane’s company has started putting more and more funding into surveillance drones, allegedly to help control outbreaks of violence and prevent needless deaths. Roxy struggles to remember what Jane said this model was called. CX-2? J-54? Regardless, it’s an odd mix of sleek and flashy, with cameras covering every possible angle and guns and rockets ready to take out troublemakers at a moment’s notice. Roxy knows the crowd here has nothing to fear, but the ships always scare Harry Anderson, who gives his father a protective hug when he approaches.

As the drone starts to recede from view, Calliope gazes at it pensively, enthusiasm and piety forgotten for the moment.

CALLIOPE: it’s getting less and less UnUsUal to see those in the troll kingdom, isn’t it?  
JOHN: yeah.  
JOHN: i can’t help but think the government’s getting ready for something big.  
ROXY: lmao you worry too much  
ROXY: janeys got her head on straight shell show you yet

John’s resentment toward Jane has become increasingly obvious over the past few years, but it’s tame compared to that of Rose and Kanaya, who have been knocking on doors and trying to build up support against whatever policy they’re protesting this week, and especially Karkat, who hasn’t been seen publicly in years but is rumored to be “plotting something” from the shadows. Why is Jane the only one trying to keep the peace? While Roxy’s staying as far away from this stupid conflict as possible, someone’s gotta stick up for Jane when she’s being unfairly maligned.

JOHN: ugh, let’s not talk about this right now.  
ROXY: yea ur right  
ROXY: its gettin late anyway we should head home  
ROXY: see you next week callie?  
CALLIOPE: oh. yes. always, roxy.

Calliope’s hug is warm, but as she waves goodbye, her eyes are downcast and she isn’t smiling. Roxy doesn’t have time to wonder why before she loses sight of her in the crowd.

\---

That night, Roxy finds herself unable to fall asleep. She isn’t stressed or upset. She’s just not tired.

She looks over at John, who’s sleeping with his back to her, as per usual. They’ve been married for nearly four years now. Where first there was a spark, and then there was a roaring flame, now there’s simply a campfire to keep them warm. It’s not as exciting, but it’s more... natural. Comfortable. Sustainable, as long as someone puts a log on that fire every now and then.

John mumbles something in his sleep. He always seems to have bad dreams lately, and Roxy can’t figure out why. Sometimes he’ll get a faraway look in his eyes, and she’ll ask him what’s wrong, and he’ll smile and say it’s nothing, and she’ll choose to believe him because she loves him. Whatever worries he’s hiding, about canon or Jane or anything else, he’s strong enough to overcome. Roxy knows that he’s glad they’ve built a family together. As is she.

She just wishes that family were a little bigger.

Going through pregnancy was difficult. Raising a young child has been even more so. But Roxy found an unexpected fulfillment in both endeavors, and she’s been rewarded with a boy she loves more than life itself. Getting this far was painful, and stressful, and scary, and she really, really wants to do it again.

She’s been dropping hints to John for a while, but he hasn’t been picking up on them, which she should have expected. Sometime this week, she’s going to ask him directly. She just has to wait for the right moment. He has to be in a good mood, Harry Anderson shouldn’t be in the room, they both have to be awake enough to discuss it like adults... Moments which meet every criterion are frustratingly rare.

If past experience is any indicator, John will be excited to have a child again. Harry Anderson is one of the few things which can still reliably make him smile. And Harry Anderson himself has recently talked about wanting a little sister. Roxy’s never been sure how to tell him that even though she could choose her baby’s sex, she wouldn’t feel comfortable making that decision, and she certainly couldn’t choose their gender. But whether she has a son or a daughter or any other child, Roxy’s sure that her second baby will be just as treasured and wonderful as her first.

John murmurs again, and Roxy decides that lying in bed doing nothing isn’t going to make her fall asleep any faster. She sneaks downstairs to grab a glass of water.

On her way, she notices a pale blue light coming from the office, painting the hallway with a simulacrum of moonlight. Curious, she pops in to investigate.

It’s coming from the printer’s touchscreen display. The tray on top is empty, but Roxy thinks she remembers seeing a sheet of paper in there earlier today while she was dusting. Someone must have used the printer and forgotten to turn it off.

Since she doesn’t have anything better to do, she checks the printer’s history, only to find that it’s recently been erased. Her first thought is that Harry Anderson might have printed something which he didn’t want his parents to see. Does he know how to do that? He can barely read, but he’s a sharp kid, maybe he figured it out!

Regardless, suddenly Roxy really wants to recover the deleted memory, privacy concerns be damned. She tells herself it’s to make sure her son isn’t viewing anything inappropriate, but in full honesty, it’s because she hasn’t had the chance to flex her l33t hax0r skills in years. John’s phone is charging on the counter, so she swipes it, grabs a cable, plugs it into the printer, and starts copying over the data.

Deleting files on tech like this frees up the storage for later use, but it doesn’t actually overwrite the bytes in that storage until they’re needed again. The old data simply becomes non-referenceable. If a hapless program tries to access it prematurely, it’ll trip on a segfault. But if a clever user can figure out how the data is segmented, identify which bytes represent a file, and copy those bytes to a location and format accessible by the relevant program...

Roxy fiddles around with the settings. She experiments, sending dummy pictures to the printer and seeing what changes on the back end. John’s phone was definitely not designed for a task like this. A few minutes in, Roxy starts to regret not using a computer instead, but decides to look at hacking from an old phone as a self-imposed challenge. It’s fun! It feels like the thrills of solving an impossible sudoku puzzle and trespassing on government property rolled into one.

Eventually — she can’t say how long it takes — Roxy decrypts the data. She stops herself from clapping in excitement but allows herself a little happy dance in her chair.

The file is named H3R3.jpg. Isn’t that a type of flu virus? Or is the name a version number for a schematic of something? Before she can speculate further, Roxy opens the file—

...it’s a picture of Terezi.

She’s in the blank void of space, still clad in the Libra shirt and rocket wings she was wearing on the day she left. Her face, once plump, is now lean and haggard, but her grin is as sharp and devious as ever. She’s holding the camera with one hand and waving with the other in a way which looks... suggestive? Like she’s clawing at or groping for something. Her glasses are nearly opaque, but Roxy can see that she’s winking.

Surprise gives way to confusion. It was definitely John who printed this, since the metadata on the file says it was last accessed after Harry Anderson’s bedtime. But where did he put the picture? And why did he delete it from the printer?

Roxy thinks about just asking him in the morning, but her rising suspicion and something about the late hour makes her want to know _now._ So she starts rifling through drawers and stacks of documents looking for the paper copy.

It doesn’t turn up. Roxy looks everywhere it might reasonably be, including in a stack of other photos, but comes up empty-handed. So either John put it somewhere else, or—

Slowly, Roxy’s eye falls on John’s wallet, sitting on the desk underneath where his phone had been plugged in.

Before she can change her mind, before any concerns about privacy or communication or trust can be fully formed in her brain, Roxy picks up the wallet and looks through its contents.

It’s there. Terezi’s photo is tucked behind Harry Anderson’s.

Roxy pauses for a moment.

Okay. So, her husband is carrying around another woman’s photograph, and he doesn’t want her to know about it. Furthermore, the woman in question is a notorious flirt who had clear romantic tension with him when they all first met. This... isn’t a great look.

There’s definitely an innocent explanation, Roxy thinks. It’s _John!_ He wouldn’t cheat on her! He physically _couldn’t,_ since Terezi’s been out in space for a decade! Unless — no. No, she doesn’t want to imagine all the scenarios which could have resulted in...

Her gaze returns to the phone in her hand. The phone which her husband has spent an awful lot of time staring at when he thinks no one is looking.

She briefly considers abandoning this whole sleuthing expedition and just talking to her husband about it, but she’s come way too far to back out now. How could she justify invading his privacy as much as she already has? In for a boonbuck, in for a boonbond. She pulls up John’s messaging history with Terezi and starts scrolling upward.

There are a lot of messages. They go back years.

The more Roxy sees, the more she wishes she hadn’t seen.

TEREZI: 1M SO HUNGRY OUT H3R3 4LON3 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3 JOHN  
TEREZI: PL34S3 NOUR1SH M3 W1TH YOUR P4TH3T1C M1DL1FE 3NNU1  
JOHN: it’s not midlife ennui!  
JOHN: i’m not even thirty yet, come on.  
JOHN: also... um.  
JOHN: i’m married? so... yeah.  
TEREZI: LOL  
TEREZI: WH4T DO3S TH4T H4V3 TO DO W1TH 4NYTH1NG  
JOHN: err...  
JOHN: nevermind.

No...

JOHN: terezi, there’s something i’ve got to tell you.  
TEREZI: 4G41N?  
JOHN: ugh, yeah, sorry.  
JOHN: does that make it the third time this week?  
TEREZI: FOR M3 1TS TH3 TH1RD T1M3 TOD4Y  
JOHN: i’m sorry to keep bothering you with all my shit.  
JOHN: it’s just...  
JOHN: like i keep saying, you’re the only one in my life who makes sense. everyone else just feels like a fucking cardboard cutout.  
JOHN: at least with you i know i’m talking to a PERSON.  
JOHN: not some kind of... rosebot or davebot or roxybot.

No, no, no, no, no...

JOHN: and i never know what she’s thinking.  
JOHN: what the fuck happened with calliope? why did she marry me so quickly? what’s with the gamzee shit?  
JOHN: it doesn’t make sense! she isn’t anything like the roxy i used to know.  
TEREZI: C4NT YOU JUST 4SK H3R  
JOHN: no!  
JOHN: well, i COULD, but i wouldn’t get a real answer.  
JOHN: she’d just tell me she loves me THAT much, or something. some obvious bullshit to change the subject.  
JOHN: i’m just really frustrated.  
TEREZI: 1 C4N T3LL  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU SUUUUUR3 TH1S 1S 4 M4T3SPR1TSH1P YOU H4V3 H3R3  
JOHN: oh, relax, it’s not like that. she’s my wife and i love her.  
JOHN: at least, i’m pretty sure “i” do.

...

...

...

Roxy stops throwing up and wipes off her chin above the toilet.

She takes a few deep breaths.

Tears form in her eyes.

Was it all a lie?

How? Why?

She loves John. She loves him with all her heart. That’s not a subject change, that’s not her being brainwashed or caricatured or whatever John thinks happened to her, it’s _real._ It’s _been_ real. And all he can offer is that he _thinks_ he loves her?

Her memory casts back to their wedding, a photograph that’s starting to smolder at the edges. In John’s vows... he called her beautiful, and said that she felt like a dream, but though she said “I love you” like five times in her own vows, he never said it once.

How many times _has_ he said it to her? Has it always just been “I love you too”?

She trusted him, she thought he trusted her, she thought they could talk about anything they needed to. But whenever something goes wrong in John’s life, instead of talking to the person he promised to spend that life with, off he gallivants to share his heart with someone he hasn’t seen in ten years.

What did she think her relationship was founded on? Trust? Respect? John hasn’t given Roxy either in some time, and she’s just learning about it now. She might share his house and his bed, but she doesn’t share his life.

How could he do this?

How could he _do_ this!

Roxy starts shaking with rage. She gave up _everything_ for this man. She married him, she gave up _Calliope_ for him, and for what? Secrets and lies? She bore his _child_ —

HARRY ANDERSON: mommy?

Roxy gasps and whips her head up toward the bathroom’s open door. Harry Anderson is standing there with his stuffed bunny. His eyes are wide with concern.

HARRY ANDERSON: are you sick?  
ROXY: honey y r u up? its super late  
HARRY ANDERSON: lars wanted a snack. i said okay.

The bunny rattles as Harry Anderson shakes it. It’s missing an ear and its fur is graying, worn and torn from years of love. That’s how it goes.

Roxy chokes back a sob. Even with what she’s feeling now... her sole thought, her overwhelming desire, is to protect her son. He didn’t ask for any of this. He doesn’t need to know about how his parents’ lives are falling apart. He’s too young and vulnerable. As she said at his cribside an eternity ago, the least she can give him is a little peace.

ROXY: im alrite  
ROXY: something i ate just didnt agree w/ my stomach lol  
HARRY ANDERSON: oh, you should take an ant acid!  
HARRY ANDERSON: i heard it on the radio. if you eat something bad, you have to take an ant acid.  
HARRY ANDERSON: do you have an ant acid?

Roxy starts to laugh... or maybe to cry. She can’t tell the difference anymore. Tears fly from the sides of her eyes as she shakes her head.

HARRY ANDERSON: what!  
ROXY: u just sound so much like ur daddy  
HARRY ANDERSON: oh. thanks!

He beams at her proudly, like she’s given him the greatest compliment in the world. She starts laughing even harder as she kneels down to embrace him.

ROXY: i love u honey  
ROXY: i love u to the moon and back  
HARRY ANDERSON: i love you too, mommy.  
ROXY: lets get u back to bed  
HARRY ANDERSON: but lars still needs a snack!  
ROXY: lars can have all the snacks he wants tomorrow  
ROXY: cuz lars is a good little bunny and lars needs to be taken care of  
ROXY: lars can have anything he wants in the whooooole world  
HARRY ANDERSON: aww, yay!

Roxy flushes the toilet, then picks up her baby boy. The one person who matters.

ROXY: cmon

She closes the door. She carries her child upstairs. She kisses him goodnight. She kisses his bunny goodnight too.

She heads back downstairs. She turns off the printer. She clears her activity from John’s phone. She puts Terezi’s photo back in his wallet. She heads upstairs again.

She stands in the hallway with one hand on the handle of her bedroom door.

Her other hand shakes at her side.

She stands like that for a minute or more. When she does finally turn the handle and enter, she does it so quickly that she nearly slams the door.

She looks at her husband’s sleeping face.

While she was in the bathroom, Roxy wondered what she would feel the next time she had to see John. Would she hate him? Would she confront him? Would she throttle him or slap him awake or shout at him until he confessed?

No.

What Roxy feels now... it’s the same love and affection as before. Of course it would be. John hasn’t changed at all, he’s still the man she fell in love with. It’s _her_ who changed in this nightmare hour.

Why doesn’t she hold his deception against him? She should be furious! But she just can’t seem to resent him. Maybe it’s...

Maybe it’s about her.

She swore to make him happy. She failed. Maybe if she says the right words, does the right things, the light in his eyes will return and he’ll come back to her. She can fix all of this. There’s no reason Harry Anderson has to see his parents fight.

There’s no reason a second child should have to see their parents fight, either. There’s no reason there has to be a second child at all. Having one would only make things more complicated, and isn’t everything always better when it’s simple? John’s first child didn’t make him happy, so why would his second? She wouldn't give up Harry Anderson for anything, but one child is enough. Roxy can give up her dream, not just for John’s sake, but for the child who wouldn’t want to be born into this family. She’ll be fine. She’ll be fine.

As Roxy ponders who she is and who she should be, John exhales softly.

JOHN: rrrzzzzz...

Was that just a snore? Or was he saying Terezi’s name in his sleep?

It doesn’t matter, Roxy decides as she climbs back under the covers. Everything will be fine if John is happy. She just has to... adjust, to make that happen.

She’ll do just that, from now on. She’ll stop seeing Calliope so much. She’ll make peace between John and Jane. She’ll give Harry Anderson everything he wants. She’ll be a good wife and she’ll always say yes and she’ll cook and she’ll clean and she’ll smile and she’ll

**Author's Note:**

> "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." ~ Lady Julian of Norwich (also, Fallen London)
> 
> Follow me on Twitter! <https://twitter.com/Paravellex>


End file.
